[roxyanne1]

my children...in there 30s...me59 wont speak to me...being borderline i can come out with some pretty crazy delusions about relationships which i did.Iveapologized but still no contact.Ilove them so much and they are causing much depression...they wont acknolidge i have a mental interest...just dont want to know about it and i dont talk to them about it.i guess ill just have to wait till they forgive and come around...i live alone and really needjust a phone call...........what do you think..........roxyanne1

[yellowted]

maybe a card letting them know you are thinking of them and are there if they want you, no more no les than that. that way you are keeping the door open and letting them know when they are ready you will be there for them.
lots of people find it difficult to accept a loved one has a mental health condition. it is even harder if that person is one who is meant to look after you.. yes even in their thirties you are the one they would turn to in a crisis and now they probably feel grief for the loss of the stable figure you were in their eyes.

Originally Posted by roxyanne1

my children...in there 30s...me59 wont speak to me...being borderline i can come out with some pretty crazy delusions about relationships which i did.Iveapologized but still no contact.Ilove them so much and they are causing much depression...they wont acknolidge i have a mental interest...just dont want to know about it and i dont talk to them about it.i guess ill just have to wait till they forgive and come around...i live alone and really needjust a phone call...........what do you think..........roxyanne1

Wow Roxyanne1 I could have written the post you wrote! I'm older, single, with children in their 30's and have had a real hard time over the years maintaining contact. It hurts and gets so lonely at times. What I was advised to do was to send hand written notes and cards, which I have done, and try to focus more on what they are doing, not what I am going through. When I talk about myself with them it really turns them off, quickly. So I try to find out what their interests are and talk more about that. I've slipped up a couple times and had to call and apologize, but they have been pretty forgiving, mostly. I know they will appreciate any positive attention you can give them, even if it's just "I love you and miss you". Hope this helps

[elliemay]

This is a tricky one. You've got to respect where your children are for sure. As the others have suggested, I would send a hand written note. Keep it very short and about them. What you miss about them. Not what their absence is doing to you.

My mother has bipolar disorder. She, too, has made "mistakes" when in the manic phase. She can be quite mean. Understanding of mental illness does grant one some measure of understanding. I know my mother is not completely in control of what she says and does, however, she is still responsible for it. Not fair, but that's the way I see it.

Sometimes people have to retreat in order to protect themselves from hurt. People get to do that. It's their right.

Again, leave the door open, focus on your kids and not you. I can promise you that they would like to come back to you and miss you. They are doing what they are doing for their own mental health. That gets to be respected for sure.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by roxyanne1

my children...in there 30s...me59 wont speak to me...being borderline i can come out with some pretty crazy delusions about relationships which i did.Iveapologized but still no contact.Ilove them so much and they are causing much depression...they wont acknolidge i have a mental interest...just dont want to know about it and i dont talk to them about it.i guess ill just have to wait till they forgive and come around...i live alone and really needjust a phone call...........what do you think..........roxyanne1

I hope this helps. I am sorry to read you are suffering so. You might write each of them a letter and tell them what you have written here: that you love them and wish you had a better relationship and would they call you every so often? You could also direct them to NAMI.org which can give them the information and support they need.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I hope this helps. I am sorry to read you are suffering so. You might write each of them a letter and tell them what you have written here: that you love them and wish you had a better relationship and would they call you every so often? You could also direct them to NAMI.org which can give them the information and support they need.

From where I stand, this is not the best advice. I know if my mother did this I would view it as "excusing" her behaviour.

I think it's important to realize that there is hurt involved here - on all sides. It is possible to completely understand mental illness (I do) and still be hurt. People get to chose what they can stand and what they can't.

If the OP is going to write a letter I think it is very important to write exactly what she misses about her children - in terms of who they are and NOT what they do for her.

For instance, saying "I really miss your spirit and sense of humor" would be great. Saying "I miss the way you made me laugh" is not. The latter focuses on self, the former on the child. Children do not exist for their parents.

It's something my mother has never learned and she continues to this day to be incredibly self centered.

I do have contact with her, but set very clear boundaries about it. It's the only way I have found that it would work for me.

I can't think about her that much. She's definitely got that base covered.