[theportraitifalady]

I have just come out of the ringer. I am twenty years old, a female, and too poor for therapy, but here is a quick over view.

When I was a child I grew up in an insane life, ranging from frequent moves to cult involvements to pedophilia to incest. I am coming out of this now as a rational adult, but still having trouble putting the pieces of myself back together.

One of the issues I have is that I can't seem to find somewhere to go to help me with trauma related to the things I have experienced. I suffered the abandonment of my Mother at aged fourteen when (after a sloppy divorce from a messed up step father, and being evicted from our home) she sent me away to live at my Father's across the country so she could marry a man who was 24, religious, and had been in a romantic relationship with me. I was very close to my brothers and sister and it sucked, to say the least.

In high school in the City I felt that I had finally come to a place where I'd be ok, but got into another scrape with a teacher who started to come on to me romantically. After that I met a boy who I thought was the best thing that ever happened to me. I fell for him and we were together three years before strange conduct started to ensue and he developed a pattern of abuse which took me far too long to put a stop to.

After all of this, I am extremely embittered and mistrustful of other human beings. Several people's parents have judged me because of my unconventional background (my ex's family called me 'that trash' for 'using him for his stability') etc.

At the moment I am dating a wonderful guy (actually wonderful....I hope?) I feel that he is at a healthy place in his life and I am at a better place in mine. But I can't shake the feeling that everyone everywhere I go is out to hurt me.

I feel like people want to hurt me. I feel like I don't deserve it per say but they think I deserve it. It's a pretty convuluted thing and I would like to get some feedback.

I am consistantly trying to work my way through my social phobias but I would like to know if anyone has had any similar experiences. If you have, please share them, and know that you are not alone in it. I certainly feel alone.

hello and welcome to the forums.

sounds like you've been through a lot of stuff- i'm glad you joined us, we're all listening

[Iamhealingme]

Everything you have been through is carried in your body language. If you are feeling everyone is going to hurt you, you send out(unconsiously) the vibes that you are in a weakened state and all the bastards that are looking to hurt people pick it up like radar and come zooming at you! You have to try to break the body language cycle even if you have to fake it until you feel it.

[Doingmybest]

Lady,
I am sorry about your past and although, I cannot relate I want to welcome you to this forum. Have you tried to get counseling through nonprofit agencies..sometimes womens shelters and rape crisis centers can provide counseling at no cost even if the abuse happened years ago. It may be different in your state but I think it's worth a shot. I wish you the best...

[dailyhealing]

Hello and welcome to PC, I'm so glad you have found your way here! What you are experiencing is not unusual considering your past. People react to trauma in many different ways, and you have been through a tremendous amount of trauma. The fact that you are looking for help at this early stage of your life speaks to your courage and drive for wellness! In addition to looking into the counseling through a shelter or some other agency perhaps looking into a support group? There are 12 step groups that may fit a need you have (emotions anonymous, adult children of alcoholics, perhaps others???). Even if your parents weren't alcoholics I used to go to that group and many were people who just grew up in chaos. NAMI is also a group that offers support groups for people with mental illnesses. You don't have to have a diagnosis to go.

I hope you will stick around here also and keep posting about how you are doing. People here really care and want to support each other. Take good care of yourself!

[hiddeng3nius]

Originally Posted by Iamhealingme

Everything you have been through is carried in your body language. If you are feeling everyone is going to hurt you, you send out(unconsiously) the vibes that you are in a weakened state and all the bastards that are looking to hurt people pick it up like radar and come zooming at you! You have to try to break the body language cycle even if you have to fake it until you feel it.

Do you have any other reading material about this? I find it interesting when people start to find patterns in their lives they start seeing it as "proof" that they are a magnet (or in my case repellant) for certain kind of people.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. You've had a very rough life, to say the least. The way you feel is quite normal, considering what you've been thru!

I think I'd worry about you if you DIDN'T feel something like this! LOL But seriously, I'd advise therapy sweetie. The fact that you are having trouble trusting anyone is definitely a sign of PERHAPS PTSD or something similar. So I would suggest you see a therapist. He/she can help you learn how to deal with your issues and help you learn how to cope.

I hope you are able to get into therapy. You won't regret it and it WILL do you a lot of good, believe me. God bless you dearheart, and please take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee