Mostly venting, but seeking advice too

There’s so much going on with me I guess. I’m probably not really allowed to complain about my life, it’s not like it’s absolutely horrible, but it’s not exactly happy or fulfilling either. A lot of that has to do with me, and if I can’t figure out how to control myself I may lose everyone around me, even the more stubborn ones that practically refuse to leave me behind. As a result of that I may either grow extremely bitter, or quite depressed, not seeing the point in actually being here anymore (which that has actually crossed my mind recently). While I’m sure I have commitment issues, and this is one aspect of why I push people away so harshly, there’s also like a separate personality. I like to call this personality “The B!tch” as that’s basically what I turn into. My brain snaps and I go to a state where making someone angry or miserable seems almost entertaining (probably in an attempt to make sure I don’t feel guilt for it and try to go back and stop myself from severing that link, as I used to easily be effected by guilt). This part of me is becoming increasingly present, to the point where I easily snap at those closest to me, even if not a romantic relationship (of which I’ve never really had any because I push them away so fast, even though a part of me would like at least one). It’s becoming so much more common that I’m starting to think that’s exactly who I am and can never change. Part me just scoffs at it, like it’s a whatever thing, and another part of me feels deeply broken hearted about it. I guess if I’m not in a quiet, content state, then I’m either in an angry, frustrated state or a sad state. I just don’t know what to do at this point. After feeling content I realize how alone I really am, and know that that is because of myself, makes that part of myself want to either run away or just vanish off this planet. I try to quiet that part, music helps with this, but then something will go and trigger the b!tch part, I’ll get angry and arrogant towards those around me, then I’ll come back down to realizing again how alone I truly am. This cycle doesn’t end. I’m the only one trying to figure it all out, but I just think things are getting worse. I’m getting more bitter, and more distanced. I don’t know what to do.

Here, a song to describe this particular moment:
Tarja Turunen - Oasis - YouTube

I don't have much to offer but to say I read your words. I do not know what you prefer to do. You must have an idea of what to do.

I just have-what I think: "1. do you a think a therapist is required? 2. do you want to find why you have this pattern of behavior? 3. what would the best way to work at this? for example, would distracting type of activities help you when you feel triggered to start the angry thing?"

Sorry I am asking more questions than giving you answers, but you have insight into what you have talked about and are concerned enough to post your thoughts. So, I feel asking a few questions would help to eventually find a way that you will be more satisfied with yourself-with who you are.

Sorry, I usually say any questions are welcome, I must have forgotten this time. Let me answer your questions

I've tried therapists before, I just left frustrated each time. Like I felt I was wasting their time, or that they thought I was lying and they couldn't accomplish anything for me. Just so many different thoughts that told me to leave the therapist. While I think that would be most helpful, I do have that history of running, and I don't have money.

I want mostly to solve this pattern of behavior. A name for it would be nice, would give it explanation, but now it's just getting so intense that I'm losing everyone, and if I let it get worse I truly will be alone for good, and that will only be my fault (plus this behavior seems to make it hard to hold a job without people thinking bad of me and wanting me fired).

Best way to work at this? Distracting it doesn't help, as the issue will still be there next time. Just trying to find solutions to it all. I've tried distracting myself, I've tried calming myself down, to try to see reason, I've tried a therapist, none of it has worked as I don't know the exact root of the issue, and I don't know more effective ways of controlling it.

Ask whatever questions you may have (this applies to everyone that may respond).

You are totally allowed to complain.

I think it's interesting what you say about therapy. Have you considered the possibility that you are in a cycle and you felt ignored, pushed away or not believed by therapists because of how you feel about yourself? I'm not blaming you - I'm saying your reaction to therapy may be a demonstration of the problems you need to solve. You think you don't have the right to complain. So it's logical that you feel a therapist agrees. Therapy works by bringing out our issues and interpersonal problems. The challenge is then to find new ways to solve them.

I have similar issues. I expect to be ignored and abandoned. So I get into a cycle where I am convinced my therapist is ignoring and abandoning me. Gradually I am learning to a) do reality checking (does he really think x or am I guessing) and b) tell him how I feel, to question my assumptions and suspicions and ask him if they are correct, but this is a very slow process. It takes a long time to work through it in therapy and it's very hard.

It seems from your post that you are struggling to accept that others can see you differently to the way you see yourself.

It sounds to me like you are very depressed! I'm wondering if an antidepressant would work. Have you ever been on any?

Since you don't want to see a therapist, why not talk to your doctor about anti-depressants? The chemicals in your brain might be messed up, and the anti-depressants correct that and make things feel more "normal" so we don't have those horrible lows or highs --- in your case the horrible lows. I think it would be worth talking to your doctor about it.

Why not give it a try? I hate to think of you living like this. I remember when I too felt like that, and it was awful! I've been on anti-depressants now for about 40 years! I have clinical depression, and I'll probably be on them til the day i die.

I wish you the very best my friend. Please keep us informed. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Bambo Red panda, I see that you have been posting and have been a member since APR 2012. I'm new to this site and I am encouraged by you being able to write about what 's going on for you. It seem's intense what you are feeling and I only wish that I could express myself as well as you have. The more you question this dilema and try to figure out the solution I think it will all come together and make sense. I read alot of sincere posts on these forums and people truly care. warm thoughts.

Bambo red panda I've been there and back to. The things that changed me were the T's and doctors who put me on meds. You don't sound as bad as you think you are, if you can see it in yourself and explain it so well like you have, you're taking the first step in getting better soon.Maybe you don't want meds? When you feel like a b****, stand back from the situation and take a breath and ask yourself if it is better to let loose on somebody when you know in the end you'll feel bad about yourself instead. Then you can maybe change what you were going to say into something the opposite, like something nice or nothing at all. You basically need to control you emotions?

I am not diagnosing you, I don't know you, but the fear of being rejected or left, the rage, and the changing emotions on a dime are all traits of BPD. It is something I would look in to.