[Bluesummers]

I have Asperger's Syndrome, and Depression, just to get that out of the way.

I find myself in a position where, under normal circumstances I would have crashed about a couple of months ago. Yet, to my credit. I find myself still going strong, somehow.

This has come about due to relationship difficulties, which would be, just an absolute essay to write. When they were well, they seemed very happy with me, and treated me wonderfully. I've known them for about 3-4 years or so on and off I would say. The person, has removed themselves from my life and that of others too, as things stand.(This happened 4 weeks ago now) I have been told via a mutual friend, not to take it personally, and that it is their depression and social anxieties. Broadly typing anyway.

Anyway, rather than just give up when the initial point of hurt happened(though I believe it was not with intent to hurt), I picked myself up. Not just that, but fought my own depression as best I could in the face of both my and their difficulties.

I have in fact increased my positive actions. From continuing to attend my local mental health building, regular social interactions and perspective with two valued friends, and another two on the computer, projecting positive on a social media site I use about my day to day life, restarting Saxophone lessons/practice, and even taking better physical care of myself. I even have an appointment with my practice's counselor.

The catch is this. I find myself brooding constantly, in my own time. I find my mind is running away with itself when it does so. So focused on thinking about why they have done that. Obviously I cannot ask her. And it would be healthiest regardless of whats going on for her to keep on with my good progress in my life.

I suppose I just really mean what I feel for her. And so I really care about what may or may not happen next. So my mind just cannot seem to let go when I'm in my own personal time. It infuriates me, yet I struggle to stop it.

Not just that, but I feel really isolated and disconnected from people.(Not to say I am in actuality, but this is what I feel) I feel like no one cares. Not just that, that I'm bland and repulsive, that things must be my fault, because I'm feeling this way. It makes me feel resentful, because, when I think about it logically, I know I've only been as good a person as I can be. That I'm a good person, and don't really deserve to feel how I am.

It's like when you have all those wires at the back of the T.V, they all seem to connect together, but I just can't get a picture. You end up just wanting to kick the T.V.

From what some of my closer friends tell me, I'm doing all the right things, and I've not really done anything wrong, and am indeed a good person. I just don't understand why I keep coming back to feeling so icky. It makes me want to give up, even though I know that won't do me any good.

My energy levels are so low, so often. It's struggle to get out of bed, it's struggle to do anything. Somehow I am just about keeping myself together. I really don't know how anymore. The only real immediate hope of respite is this appointment with the practice counselor I have on Friday. I know that even that won't magically fix things.

I feel such a burden. Social interaction is often massively hard work, and that's no disrespect to anyone in my life, it seems it's just that way full stop. I have tried recently to reconnect with a few people in my life, to help break down my feelings of isolation and disconnection, and that has offered some success. I still feel so close the edge though.

I recently had my medication upped, but alas no change so far.
I don't know what to do. I seem to be doing everything I can, it's just, not happening for whatever reason. Or I'm it is, and I'm just numb to it. I honestly don't know anymore. It's a very confusing time in my life.

I'm sorry this so long, and probably all over the place, it's the best I can come up with to broadly describe whats going on right now. If someone can just offer thoughts or advice, or whatever, that's great.

Sorry, I don't know where to put this, so I just put it here.Thanks for reading me out if you have.

[Travelinglady]

Well, depression can lead to brooding about the bad things in our lives. It can be like a vicious circle.

You sound as if you are doing what you can to work with whatever social skill difficulties that go along with asperger's. I know from what other folks with it tell me that it can be very frustrating.

I suggest you take the person as honest as to what was said to you--and continue to seek out friends.

I am glad to hear you are going to get some help.

I hope my comments made some sense. I am feeling rather drained myself.

[Bluesummers]

Thank you for taking the time to respond and the hug. Thanks also to Carrie Ann for the hug from earlier. I appreciate it.

I feel like I'm doing all that I can right now. The people close to me tell me as much too. That I'm pretty much doing what I can, and to stick with it.

Anyway, I'll do that, and, I will try to continue seeking out friends, it's just proving heavy going, due to how fatigued I'm feeling. Social interaction with anyone at the moment seems to have that effect. Even though I've been having some nice conversations/interactions with people.

I'm hopeful that the help will prove a constructive outlet for me, and allow me to get my mind in a bit more ordered and healthier place. Definitely would be nice to have that at the moment.

I appreciate your thoughts on things. It helps, so thank you.