[inkblot]

I saw my T last night. I am getting better about coming out and saying/admitting things to him over time. I wonder how much he realizes? I really should do more, to show him more, in some way. They are all little steps. Unfortunately, I still don't have all my gear on for climbing Mt. Everest; but I do have a good pair of hiking shoes!

So, it was kind of hard to bring up, but I did it and I am proud of myself! I told him that when I was worrying about money and everything on Tuesday night, that I had the thought about overdosing(as a form of Self-Injury--NOT suicide) on the Vicodin Rx I was given early this week for a very painful virus. If anyone remembers, it happened a few too many times about a year ago. I never went to a hospital. But I think T was on the verge of sending me. I don't remember if he even knew just exactly how much I did--but he does remember it happening.

The thought came to my mind toward the end of Doc's chat. The topics in chat along with all my regular worries was getting to me. T looked very serious, of course, when I said it. I know that no matter how I feel about something or how much something scares me, I trust my T to make appropriate decisions on my behalf. If he would ever recommend for me to go a hospital, I can't guarantee that I would do it on my own. I might agree or disagree, but if I am scared, I might tell him any info he desires--car make/model, license plate, etc--and tell him to call the police to take me. I wouldn't be mad at him or anything because he's looking out for me--whether I agree or am scared of his decision or not. It's like parents and kids. You know, now I am kind of wishing that Fathers Day was coming up soon. I'd like to remind him about what he does for me and how much it's appreciated. Guess I still can. Have to do some thinking...

[Christina86]

Good job inkblot - I know how hard that can be to tell a T some things!

[(JD)]

Pat Pat Pat Pat on inky's back!! Good for you!

(Hey, be careful about thinking about that form of self harming... many ppl have died that way, even though they didn't intend to!)

I'm sure the T has some mountain climbing equipment held back for you TC!

[inkblot]

Thank you so much guys! {{{HUGS}}} Hey, wanna come over and help me throw T a surprise celebration party?! :-D

[eskielover]

Inky, glad you are able to open up to your T about the OD'ing. Vicodin isn't a good choice. It really messes with the kidneys.....I know...I OD'ed on it several times & ended up in the hospital...medical part first to stabalize me. It is the tylenol in the vicodin that does the damage. It can mess up kindeys for life & that would be a horrible SI which I am sure you know about since you have worked with meds in a pharmacy

I am glad that your T would consider puting you into the hospital. It is a great feeling to know that he cares. I hope you can start feeling better yourself so you don't want to OD. I am glad that you are able to open up to your T & talk to him about your feelings. It is important & hopefully he will be able to work with you by helping you deal in a better way with your problems than OD'ing.

I know that not eating well is something else we have in common. I found that even though I have been hospitalized medically for anemia & malnutrition as many times as for OD's, it is much better than how I would end up feeling after OD'ing.

Take care of yourself & be good to yourself. We don't want you to be hurting....it's sad to realize that you are hurting that bad that you feel the need to hurt yourself. I can definitely understand with all you have been going through that you could feel the way you do. Sometimes it seems like life is just all to much to deal with.

Maybe your T could have you go into the hospital just for a break (timeout) from your life right now. Sometimes it feels good to be in the hospital where they take care of you. Meals are brought to you 3 times a day. They have group sessions throughout the day when you can talk through what is going on. Sometimes having a safe place to be for at least a while is a very good thing. Sometimes it can even relieve some stress at least for awhile. It might even be a good help for you.

I know it is hard to discuss things like that with a T, but it might be something for you to think about & maybe discuss with your T....I am sure he wants to do what is best for you. I know when I feel overwhelmed, my pdoc would & still does suggest going into the hospital to take a break from the situation I am in. He suggested my going into the hospital last year when I was dealing with the year anniversary of my Mothers death & the flashbacks & nightmares about the trauma were haunting me constantly. Sometimes being in the hospital can break the place I feel trapped in & is actually a good thing.

Take care of yourself above all else (((((((hugz)))))))),
Debbie

[inkblot]

I have thought about a hospital option, but 1 or 2 things have prevented me from going farther with it. 1st I am afraid to ask for a vacation there. I am also afraid of my ex and his wife joking about it--either to me or to themselves and family--and of them using it against me for being with my kids, which they already severely restrict. If it were to happen I would want it under medical. I am sure that if I confess everything to my primary doc and he brainstormed and got creative, he just might be able to come up with something for an excuse. I know my time is coming. Someday.

Yeah, I am aware of health issues with OD'ing--because of my pharmacy and nursing backgrounds. I am sure that I should have been in the hospital at least once or twice. True, a person can feel worn out and like crap afterwards. A
caseworker who knew what I did asked once very concerned if I was okay to drive. I answered that I was able to drive there. In reality, tho, I doubt that I should have been driving.

[JustAPixie]

(((((((((((((( inky ))))))))))))))

I'm glad you can trust your T so much!

[eskielover]

I agree with you about being in the medical hospital rather than the psych ward is much easier. I know when I was having horrible anorexia problems about 10 years ago, my med Dr had me in the hospital with the central line, & then they made me go to the groups in the psych ward.

Last year when I was medically hospitalized for the anorexia I was dealing with....the hospital didn't have a psych ward, but my Dr called in a consult with the hospitals pdoc & psychologist. They were having to help me with more than the eating issues because my Mother had just died & I had just gone through a horrible trauma with the fraud & ID theft. They had the psychologist come in every day & spent about an hour with me. The pdoc was a jerk & my Dr & my own pdoc through he was a jerk too. But in both situations, I was able to get help both physically & mentally & was still able to be in the medical part of the hospital.

Just a thought also......if your hospital has a psych ward, there isn't anything that they can find out because medical records like that are confidential.....if nothing is let out about it being the psych rather than the medical I wouldn't think that anyone could prove which part of the hospital you were in. The psych ward can't let out any information if you are there.

Please take care.....hugz,
Debbie