[DreadK]

Let me preface this by saying that I already know I have depression, but it's something that is sometimes overwhelming and sometimes just a minor factor in my life. Some nights I'm so depressed that I don't want to do anything, but that's usually like once a month or so. As a logic oriented, self-reflective person, I realize that I'm just having an episode and seclude myself for the time so I don't blow up on anyone like I likely would if I saw them. I know I'll be fine in the morning. Ordinarily, however, it's just a latent thing that I take criticism harder than other people and, well, most negative events harder than most people. Also, I'm always tired, but can only sleep for relatively short periods of time (6 hours average, and I'm in the 18-20). I do try to nap to make up for it, but that's all rolled up in the depression package.

However, that's not what I'm here about, as I consider that under control enough. I don't take any medications for it for a variety of reasons, but I would if I considered it a big enough issue. It just may be that the depression is a misdiagnosis, or that the other phenomena I've been experiencing lately would fall under that. Or perhaps I have a lack of sleep or something. That would be a relief.

I've just been finding it hard to think lately. Like, to state an example, in my film course, I had a couple of pressing questions to ask about my essay. When the teacher got around to me, however, I completely forgot all of them and couldn't really form a comprehensive answer for what I needed to know.

No big deal, right? In general though, I've been finding it harder to express myself. Lately, I'll say something and realize that it makes little sense, and the person I'm talking to will understandably say "uhh..what do you mean?" due to my phrasing, etc. I could generalize this into I'm finding it hard to find the words to express my thoughts, when this use to be a strong suit of mine.

Furthermore, I've started lying about weird things and I don't even realize why. I've taken up lap swimming as exercise, and when talking to a new friend of mine I said "Yeah, lap swimming has been my exercise for awhile." It was weird, and immediately after, I had no idea why I said that. I wasn't trying to impress the person, to my knowledge. Then recently, I went outside without a shirt on since it was hot out. Rather than thinking that however, I instantly thought that I would tell anyone I had just woken up or had just gotten done swimming. I had to actively stop myself from lying to people about that when it was something that didn't even matter.

Another thing is that I'm generally a closed book about my depression and other personal issues. Or at least, I am to a standard level, like I don't meet someone and say "Hey I have depression!" I usually only tell my relatively close friends since it shouldn't matter to anyone else anyways. When talking to the same new friend though, I told her not only about my depression, but my personal family issues just sort of to create conversation. This is hiiiiighly uncharacteristic of me.

Finally, I am pacifistic intellectual. I don't believe in any form of fighting. Oddly enough, though, last night someone did something to me that your average angry person would start a fight over. I had to exercise my complete will not to fight this person when I have never ever wanted to fight someone in my life.

I have a strong will and I am good at reflecting upon myself, luckily. For example, one day I decided eating meat was against my principles, and from that day forth have not had any meat. That was 3 years ago. I wouldn't ever do something stupid simply due to my logical nature. I realize that anger or sadness are temporary states and stop myself from acting upon them.

So ultimately my question is, am I slowly going insane? Is this the sign of something else? I don't want to make a doctor's appointment based off of the fact that I boasted about how long I've been swimming, you know what I mean? I am worried though. So finally, could this just be my depression manifesting itself in new situations, a sign of something else, a lack of sleep, or am I just being weird? I suppose if no one has the answer, that's alright too. I just want to set my mind at ease, because I can't figure out why I'm not being myself. Thanks guys.

[bwkeys45]

I have depression and GAD and I get this as well. I lie about "not knowing" the answer to a lot of simple questions for no reason whatsoever, I forget things the moment I need them, and am terrible at expressing ideas. I thought it was my anxiety for the most part; I figured my mind was just blanking or I was trying to avoid conversation. If it isn't something you do out of fear or avoidance, though, I would say it's just in your nature. I know that anyone with a mental illness can go through changes every so often, so I don't think it is anything to worry about. You are certainly not going crazy, your mind is just trying out new things and adapting to new situations

[DreadK]

Thank you, I'm really glad to hear that. It's entirely possible (and now, in fact, probable) that I have a more minor form of anxiety. My friend has GAD and I do feel like I'm probably at half of where he is. I only have had one "panic attack" and I'm not even sure if that's what it was. I got chest pain and was fully convinced I was having a heart attack and was going to die, and I was like 12 at the time so it was highly unlikely, and I knew that, but I still feared it. Maybe it's just a bit of anxiety that comes with depression, I don't know. Thanks though, you've really put me at ease.