Current Status (ramble/update)

I'm in a much different place now then I was in 1,2,3,4 years ago. There were so many ups and downs during this episode and my emotions were brought to the brink. Reality is now reality and nothing tainted by off-course perceptions. I had went down the rabbit hole and now I am out of it, free? I can still look back, see those same things, feel those same feelings, almost as if it happened yesterday. I listen to music sometimes to provoke those old feelings, though it never comes back full-blown, I wouldn't want it to. Still it was like a long trip or dream rather, and now is the aftermath of something that never really happened, though it all sure felt really real as I was going through it. Wasted years trapped in a false reality? It could've been worse, I could have acted out and done something drastic, I should be glad to be out of the woods. Medication helped and is still helping I'm sure, but I only started to disbelieve my reality once I switched therapists several months ago. And now that I've been laid off from my job, which was a key stimulus to the whole scheme in my head, it is easier to put that part of my life behind me. Still I find myself looking back once in awhile, trying to put pieces together, trying to get a solid diagnosis or at least a clear picture of what had happened, still not satisfied. Maybe it doesn't matter all that much, if it was just machinations and manifestations of my psyche, but it was still a pretty significant chapter of my life. Now that the smoke's pretty much cleared, I am able to move on and will take that road, but it is still fascinating to think about the past. Will it ever make perfect sense, who knows. Should I write a book or short story? I would, but I fear it would be too hurtful to the ones I care about in my life. Feelings, though distorted were still felt, and I don't think they would understand. Even now I am selective in my disclosures about my episode and not alot of people know about the details.

I am very glad you are doing so much better. I wish you the best.

Jan