[bobthespider]

Beware because this will be very very long.

Let's begin with a little history. I don't really want to place it in here, but if you want to get some background information, you can read about it on my profile in the biography section

Everything's suddenly exploded this year. I've gotten a lot more paranoid and panicky. One incident - in late April, I was walking home one afternoon, feeling a bit agitated, and suddenly felt like everybody in the streets was watching me, judging me, talking about me, talking about harming me. I broke down crying and ran away and didn't go home until about an hour later. It's started interfering in school - sometimes I get panic attacks in school and miss lessons because I'm hiding in the toilets crying and trying to calm down. I constantly have delusions that people are trying to harm me or don't care about me, especially my family and friends. I always think my boyfriend is cheating on me whenever he is friends with a girl or he does not talk for a few hours.

I've been self harming since I was 12, but July was the first time I cut myself. I've become addicted to cutting and it's become my source of relief. Since July, I've also attempted suicide 5 times, either by hanging myself, trying to jump out of the window, and once by overdose. The other times were impulsive and forms of escape in the moment - I don't know if I was suicidal or not. The time I overdosed, I was suicidal but I suppose I also wanted attention.

This is another thing. I've been craving attention and support. I tell my parents and my boyfriend and my best friend about my self harm when I feel like they don't care about me because I know that it makes them more affectionate towards me. I crave fights with my boyfriend - because they turn me on and also because when we resolve the fights, it's like we're in a new relationship and everything is intense and we can't keep our hands off each other. I physically cling to him and I cling to him for support and I go to extremes to keep him by my side. I alternate between hate and love for him and other people I love very erratically. The slightest thing can make me shut me away from him and distrust him, and then the slightest thing can make me not stop kissing him and makes me love him so hard. This is the truth for everyone I get close to.

I've gotten more reckless. I've gone from being a quiet shy girl to the opposite in the space of a few months. I've started drinking heavily and when there's an opportunity to drink, I take it. I drank very excessively on the anniversary of the bus accident which coincidentially was my last day at school so we had a party and I drank more than I've ever drank before. I've started taking drugs. Whereas once I was wary with spending money, I've suddenly started spending excessively and impulsively. When I'm angry at my parents, I take out my anger by stealing money or spending their money.

I have terrible mood swings, but I only experience extremes of moods. For a few hours, I can be happy, and then suddenly I'm angry, and then suddenly I'm sad. When I'm happy, I'm creative and hyper and talkative and I laugh a lot and I socialise a lot. When I'm angry, I scream and shout and break things and throw things and threaten to hurt people and myself. When I'm sad, I shut myself in and hurt myself and cry and hide away from the world.

Recently, I've been hiding away more often. Since school started in September, I've missed 2-3 days of school every week. All I've been doing is huddling away in bed. I've been trying to escape into a fantasy world. I've been sleeping more to dream more and I hold onto these dreams as hard as I can because my dreams are the only things that make me happy, even if they're nightmares. I'm trying my hardest to escape reality. I've become obsessed with life simulation games recently and have spent hours and hours playing them. I've dug out all of my old teddy bears and have begun sleeping with them and talking to them as a way of going back to my childhood? I refuse to grow up and face reality. I reject it. A few days ago, I even had a panic attack because I couldn't remember my childhood. I've been trying to live in the past and avoiding the present and future.

Wow, this was long. But this is I think, all of it, or most of it. If there's more I'll let you know.

But seriously - am I crazy?

[manwithnofriends]

...you know which parts of yourself that you consider "wrong", so think about how to correct them.

[reesecups]

I don't think crazy is a good word for it. I think you have a bit if a problem and should at least get counseling. Good luck!