[Onward2wards]

I seem to be having what's called a “midlife crisis”. This is kind of what it feels like:

Imagine that as a child your greatest dream was to sail a yacht from London, England to New York City, USA (just as an example). Along the way, you encountered storms (“negative life experiences”) which ripped up your sails and smashed the GPS (“impaired your coping mechanisms”) and finally you triumphantly sail into … Shanghai Harbor, China!!! Everything just seems “off”, your whole current life experience feels very, very “wrong” compared to your hopes and expectations. Shanghai is an okay place to be, BUT it's very far from what you set out to see, and you never imagined you would have to learn Chinese.

NOW what do you do? You realize exactly what has gone wrong (thanks to journaling, reading and talk therapy), but you still have this epic voyage to make. Do you stay with the ship and repair it, then set sail again? Then you wonder what on earth possessed you to sail across an ocean in the first place. Do you simply buy a plane ticket and fly to your destination? That would be awesome, IF you had the money to buy the ticket and IF you weren't terrified of flying! (I actually enjoy flying, I'm just using a metaphor). You begin to wonder if you'll even survive to see the destination, or if the destination is really worth it. A little voice inside chirps. “Come to think of it, sailing kind of sucks. Wait a minute, no, I love it! Or do I?” You feel confused, annoyed, angry with yourself, and above all … absolutely terrified. (“No, I'm excited! This is like Homer's Iliad!! No wait, I really am actually terrified.”)

I Do. Not. Know. What. To. Do. I'm demoralized, scared and stuck, and this sucks like nothing else ever has. YES, “life is a journey, not a destination”, but … where does the journey go, exactly? What kind of scenery do I want to see along the way? What do I really want anyway? Who the bleep AM I anymore!?

WHAT DO I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP!?!? I'm never actually going to be a rock star, am I? AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

[Open Eyes]

I sure can identify with what you are saying Onwards. I have ripped sails all around me and often I can't even see the deck at all. I sure could use a vacation from this ongoing challenge I have going on though.

(((Sympathetic Hugs)))
OE