[Harmacy]

Haven't posted here for quite a while but being around family at Christmas has opened up some old emotional wounds.

'Inverted Narcissism' is a new term for me which I found after some web searches. It seems to be what I have (or if I'm lucky, had, since I've made massive improvements recently).

Anyway, as far as I understand it, INs are people who come from the same sort of background as narcissists but due to differences in temperament don't become full blown narcissists themselves. Rather, they unconsciously seek out narcissists and provide them with 'narcissistic supply'; willingly playing their mind games and boosting their sense of self worth.

I can see how this happened. I had parents who would either ignore or talk 'at' me. There was never any real concern for who I was in ways that didn't reflect them and although I developed my own interests as I grew older, these never seemed to be recognized or cherished so I'd often wind up discarding them or entering halfheartedly into anything that had me as the sole focus (the sort of things "healthy" parents recognize and encourage to enable their children to develop as unique individuals).

I think this may all be linked to BPD as well. I suffer from many of those symptoms too and I think a lot of them are the fall out from being an IN - the frustration and emptiness that comes from chronic attempts to please others while neglecting ourselves, fearing rejection because we feel empty underneath, getting angry when we suddenly become conscious of the damage we do to ourselves through our behaviour or the damage we allow others to do to us.

Anyway, the good news is I'm feeling changes. I'm getting to the point where 'no second chances' means something and if I realize that I've tuned into an abusive narcissist again, I can pull the plug and walk away; not getting enmeshed in guilt and power games with narcissists or those with strong narcissistic traits. And most of all, getting to a point where I realize that nothing will ever undo the losses from my past but the right choices could possibly lead to healthy relationships in the future.

So I'm hopeful and seeking to become more authentic, even if it means pissing off a lot of people. I guess I realize that the people who become most pissed off by others striving for authenticity are narcissists and those are exactly the people I need to be pissing off. I'm cautiously optimistic about the future and about not repeating the patterns of the past and that's good enough for now.

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by Harmacy

Haven't posted here for quite a while but being around family at Christmas has opened up some old emotional wounds.

'Inverted Narcissism' is a new term for me which I found after some web searches. It seems to be what I have (or if I'm lucky, had, since I've made massive improvements recently).

Anyway, as far as I understand it, INs are people who come from the same sort of background as narcissists but due to differences in temperament don't become full blown narcissists themselves. Rather, they unconsciously seek out narcissists and provide them with 'narcissistic supply'; willingly playing their mind games and boosting their sense of self worth.

I can see how this happened. I had parents who would either ignore or talk 'at' me. There was never any real concern for who I was in ways that didn't reflect them and although I developed my own interests as I grew older, these never seemed to be recognized or cherished so I'd often wind up discarding them or entering halfheartedly into anything that had me as the sole focus (the sort of things "healthy" parents recognize and encourage to enable their children to develop as unique individuals).

I think this may all be linked to BPD as well. I suffer from many of those symptoms too and I think a lot of them are the fall out from being an IN - the frustration and emptiness that comes from chronic attempts to please others while neglecting ourselves, fearing rejection because we feel empty underneath, getting angry when we suddenly become conscious of the damage we do to ourselves through our behaviour or the damage we allow others to do to us.

Anyway, the good news is I'm feeling changes. I'm getting to the point where 'no second chances' means something and if I realize that I've tuned into an abusive narcissist again, I can pull the plug and walk away; not getting enmeshed in guilt and power games with narcissists or those with strong narcissistic traits. And most of all, getting to a point where I realize that nothing will ever undo the losses from my past but the right choices could possibly lead to healthy relationships in the future.

So I'm hopeful and seeking to become more authentic, even if it means pissing off a lot of people. I guess I realize that the people who become most pissed off by others striving for authenticity are narcissists and those are exactly the people I need to be pissing off. I'm cautiously optimistic about the future and about not repeating the patterns of the past and that's good enough for now.

I have never heard of this before I in a relationship with a NPD and often wonder if I am codependent - is this similar at all? any advice would be most helpful thank you

[Harmacy]

Originally Posted by Thorn Bird

I have never heard of this before I in a relationship with a NPD and often wonder if I am codependent - is this similar at all? any advice would be most helpful thank you

I'm not qualified to give advice but I've certainly fallen into the codependent category myself in the past. Often without realizing it's happening and then when I'm established in that role, it's really hard to get out of.

In the past I've often suddenly snapped out of such a state which is always painful as usually leads to anger or abandonment. If it's a valued relationship and you feel the other person will change then perhaps take some gradual steps towards being more assertive and doing things for yourself and asking for what you need. Then, depending on the response you get, you can decide if it's worth fighting for.

This article is really good and is one of the ones I read today before posting. It seems to suggest that a codependent could also be an inverted narcissist if they exclusively seek out narcissistic partners and are unable to function in relationships with non narcissists.