[Sharkwk2011]

Hi,

I'm not really racist but i said the N word to my counselor at my dayclub. I left a message specifically and called her the N word on her voicemail. I was drinking at the time and on percocet for my bad back. Last week I was in alot of pain and waited 4 days to go to the ER. I guess my anger built up because I felt hopeless and helpless. The only thing that helps the pain is 500 strength percocet. Tylenol, ibuprofen 800 mg, Naproxen max dose and Bayer (back and body) aspirin max dose all don't work. *sigh* My anger had been building up. I was actually in the ER twice two weeks ago. The first time they gave me, oh, i forget but the second time the a**hole doctor gave me Thoradol IV which didn't help. Oh, now i remember..the first time I went to the ER, I was in severe pain and my right eyelid was closed and hurt because of my back pain and the doctor gave me a steroid shot in the buttocks (the nurse did it). This didn't help and the doctor was a real a**hole. He got upset when I asked for, this is hard to write, he got upset when I asked for percocet 500. The only doctor that helped me was my GP who first gave me 325 percocet then i went back to her and she gave me stronger percocet (500). I'm very depressed and all these experiences have taken a toll on my emotional energy. In other words, I feel drained and have thought about suicide many times but I can't get myself to do it. As I mentioned before I started drinking for the pain (when i was racist towards my counselor at the dayclub by saying the N word on her voicemail. I hurt my back years ago when i was lifting bags at the airport and my official diagnosis then (after the MRI) was Lumbar or lower back Spinal Stenosis. It really hurts now after 10 or so years and I think i need surgery. I was also racist towards a few other people when i was drunk or tipsy and I have apologized and left messages on their voicemails. I also wrote a bad email to my brother's wife and she was very upset and probably now won't allow my brother to bring my neices over I don't have a steady therapist and tried joining a chronic pain support group but it costs $20 and I can't afford it.

If anyone can give me some advice on my situation or feedback I would appreciate it.

Thank you for listening,

Harry

[Sharkwk2011]

Hi again,

I forgot to mention that I did see a pain specialist about a week ago and he gave me an epidural (steroid?) shot to the area where i have pain in my back. It didn't help. I feel like drinking now, i haven't drank since yesterday. I think I may become an alcoholic and am scared because the only way I feel better is by drinking and I take psych meds.

Thank you

[Nashoba88]

It sounds like you show your true feelings when in pain or controlled substances make it harder to mask what you really feel. Some where you really feel what you only say when angry or high. I can understand that because I'm in a service industry & white people speak to me like i have tail sometimes, yet I'm serving them food/drinks duh! If I want to keep my job I can't say anything. I'm Native American/Black so I don't trust anybody but yet I have to be gracious at work, so I get it. But I admit it, I don't trust white people until I really know them, then I don't see their color. Growing up in white america I expect white people to cheat, steal & lie to me until they show me different, but I admit it.

[Pikku Myy]

Well, for me I do not understand the concept of racism sounds like raisins. I would call and apologize for what you might have said and then move on I have done some really silly things when not quite level but always makes me feel better at least I went back and did that

[patches4.0]

I fail to see how Alcohol causes racism, your being to easy on yourself.

[allme]

Originally Posted by Nashoba88

Growing up in white america I expect white people to cheat, steal & lie to me until they show me different, but I admit it.

What a disgusting thing to say, how would you like it if I said, 'growing up around black/English people (which I did as I lived in a black area as a child) I have learned they lie, rape and mug'. How would you like that?

As a white person I have to becareful of what I say but it seems non whites can say and do as they please with little or no repercussion. For reasons I am not going into, I am far from racist and wont sit here justifying myself but this maddens me as I see it a lot!

I feel deeply offended by your stupid comment.

[IndieVisible]

I do not feel saying the N word closes the deal making you a racist. It can be said out of anger or ignorance. I feel it is a unacceptable word to use, it is disrespectful and hurtful and should not be used. However I don't believe any one who slips and uses the N has to be a racist.

Just be honest with your counselor and apologize. It's hard to say how she will react to this as evident by some of the responses here already. However she takes it, remain respectful and you can at least hold your head up for apologizing. From here on now, remember how hurtful that word is for everyone.

I don't think that saying the N word neccesarily makes you racist, however, I do think that drinking doesn't cause people to be racist. In that, your drinking probably brings out your true feelings.

I can't really give you any advice, because you're going to have to change your views on your own. I don't know if someone who has racist tendencies can change those, because those are ingrained in people as children. It's ingrained in everyone, no one can really change how they feel. So, my only suggestion would be to stop drinking, as that makes it harder for you to hide your true feelings.

[KathyM]

Pain and/or inebriation are no excuse for using the N-word.

I'm white. My ex-husband is black. We were together for a total of 10 years. We had some vicious fights, but I NEVER called him the "N-word." It ripped my heart out when he left me. Even then, I NEVER referred to him as the N-word.

My son, a grown man, is half-black. There were times when I was furious with him, but I NEVER would have referred to him as the N-word.

My husband is Mexican, and we've been married for many years. He officially adopted my son, and he's an excellent father. They butted heads on occasion throughout the years, but he NEVER called our son the N-word. He also NEVER called me a "N-lover."

I've lost track on how many times I've been called an "N-lover." I've also had my life threatened for "betraying" my race. I've also been called a *****, simply because I married a black man.

I've also had "friends" backtrack on me when they discover my family history, especially when they recall the nasty comments and vulgarity they continually spit in my face about me and my family.

I won't give you the satisfaction of describing the brutality my son had to endure from the time he was born. I also cannot and will not sympathize with you. It will NEVER be okay with me, even if you resort to using euphemisms against us.

Deal with your pain - deal with your anger....and leave us alone. Your pain is NOT our fault.

[IndieVisible]

People are different. I would never use the n word out of anger either, but have witnessed it by others and I know they were not racist. But it certainly is inexcusable! Still not a deal breaker IMHO.

[healingme4me]

The only time I've heard it used proper, and yes, proper, isn't by whites. And the Latinos, I know, who use it proper, change g to k. So, um, ask yourself, where it comes from. My ex uses n and s, especially, when half his fam is s. Go figure. Ever study the history, of how racism forms? Or, actually, how each new ethic group, that comes to an urban area, is the new group, at bottom, even the Irish, were discriminated against....

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[tigerlily84]

Obviously the topic of race is a heated one. I can't imagine the kind of pain that you must be in. It sounds excruciating. Is there any way for the doctor who treats you for your pain to recommend some other form of treatment? If you have been taking percoset you may have developed a tolerance for it.

If possible try not to wait that long if the pain gets that bad. If I were in that much pain i would be angry too. Now I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't mix your pain meds (any meds) with alcohol. Stop doing that. It's good that you recognize that you were in the wrong. You made a mistake. I don't think that makes you a racist. Be more aware that your words have impact, whether you're sober or not.

Try journaling if you cannot afford to see a therapist. Or going to a local clinic. You can also try mediatation, yoga, go for a walk, and I'm sure there are plenty of books out there to advise you on how to manage your anger. Maybe even count to 10. You have a lot of options beyond drinking.

[shezbut]

Harry,

As you may have suspected, this subject brings up a lot of emotions inside all of us. I am 100% convinced that every one of us (in the U.S. anyway) have experienced racism in our everyday lives, at least once. IMO, it is an extremely ugly and sad reality of Western living.

I do think that a person says what they really think when they're drunk (or high). The pre-frontal cortex, the part of our brain that makes executive decisions & edits the things that we say and do, is highly affected by alcohol and drugs. That's a neurological reality. The fact that you have repeated this same pattern at different times: calling other black people that you know N's, that merely makes the case you being racist a lot stronger.

With that said ~ your doctor is a professional. People often strike out at others when they're in pain, when normally, they may be such a sweetie! I think that sending a small blank card, in which you apologize, to your doctor would be the best move to make. People just love getting real cards in the mail, rather than bills or sales! You could word things appropriately ~ in which you merely describe your frustration in the moment that you called (don't bring up other instances), and your mistake will probably be forgiven.

I do agree with Kori Anders, in that I believe that it's pointless for me to argue with you about your views on racism. I do believe that there are free community classes that work towards educating the public about all races and how we can appreciate one another. You may want to check into it some time.

A single instance of using the n word in anger might be forgettable but you have indicated using it several times. I said it once when I was young. It was directed at anyone but I remember that feeling of guilt afterwords. I think it would be a good idea to read up on racism. What it really means to people of color. There are plenty out there.

I do believe people are fooling themselves if they think they are not racist but usually it shows up in more subtle ways. Like how differently you might treat a client or are willing to trust somebody. I don't think you have to be self aware of your own racism to know using racial slurs is crossing a line.

I think there are white people, particularly men in sheltered lives that have never been the target of blatant discrimination. My first experience was at a Christmas party (I am white) where everyone but three of us were black. Every time we tried to sit at a table we were told the seats were taken. We ate standing up. While it was not a pleasant experience it did make me aware of what it must be like.... At least a little bit since I am aware I do not have to live it every day.

Which brings me to nashoba. I don't know what your life was like growing up in white America but if you experienced discrimination on a daily basis I can completely understand where you are coming from. I do not see that reaction as stupid. I did have an Jamaican friend when Obama was running the first time and I remember how certain she was he would be assassinated before election. And how certain she was ohio would vote against him. I had a bit more faith than that but I could see her concern. There were an awful lot of threats and racist comments. I am really glad neither happened because that would have been soooo disappointing.

Anyway, Malcolm Gladwell said the only way to get rid of your racism is to live in a place where you are the minority. That's kind of hard to arrange so I say the next best thing would be to get yourself some books and/or movies and try to see it from their shoes. It won't help your anger but hopefully you can learn how hurtful it is.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[IndieVisible]

I missed the orig poster used the word several times. I was under the impression it was a one time thing. I have to agree with the other opinions here. If any thing alcohol is a very poor filter so it'[s easier to say what's on your mind. When we are sober we are more careful what we say. We think before we speak, usually. So you can't really blame the alcohol here. My mother was a racist. It was so embarrassing for me growing up. Hope you can get thru this ok.

[DocJohn]

Self-medicating for pain is all-too common in the U.S., unfortunately, as docs are often reluctant to prescribe pain medication at the rate or dosage needed to alleviate pain. The long-term solution is to find a way to alleviate the pain -- through medication, behavioral techniques, holistic techniques, or some combination thereof.

Some people are "mean drunks," and you titled this thread "Racism and anger," so I think you see that drinking to inebriation is not a good thing for you. You do not become a better person -- you become a worse person. If one drinks to feel better, but you only feel worse, then drinking isn't really that good a solution after all, no?

So find a way to treat the pain in a more permanent manner, reduce or cut out the drinking altogether, and maybe think about what other members here have said about alcohol reducing our frontal lobe inhibitions and cutting out our societal filters. You somehow have enough money for alcohol, but not $20 for a support group or whatever the cost of a therapist?

We all make choices in life, and now's your time to make a choice in yours -- what's more important, getting better, or staying the same? If you're really ready to change, you'll find a way to get it done and overcome financial obstacles.

Good luck,
DocJohn

[KathyM]

And if you happen to own a gun, please don't use it to take out your frustration - and please don't use us for target practice. It's not a fun game. It's not funny to be chased by bullets or taken by surprise. It only adds to the anger and pain....for everyone - including you.

Good luck - and be careful.

[Aella]

I'm not sure how the gun comment relate to this thread, as I see no comment on gun/hurting others. But I agree that the idea of any of us harming someone else is never a joke.

Anyway, if being drunk makes you a worse person then I hope you could perhaps find another way to relieve the pain as DocJohn said. For example, I'm trying to help myself by volunteering, since it makes me slightly happier/less self-hating to make others happy.

I can't imagine dealing with Chronic Pain myself, and I could only wish you luck atm.

[Gus1234U]

notice that everyone has focused on your admitted racisism, and not on your unbearable pain. if you find a doc who will treat you for chronic pain, hold on for dear life. in the meantime, see if you can find any pain tolerance techniques that don't involve substance abuse...

i have heard that meditation can be helpful in taking your mind off the pain, which is the same as not feeling it, or having it be vague in your awareness. i use a brain repair technology which supports meditation, called Holosync. you can get it in many forms online. it should always be used with stereo headphones (or earphones)... if you want to know more, please feel free to PM me...

best wishes~
Gus

The thread was about being racist and not about being in pain! The pain and alcohol was the reason for the racist comment supposedly

I think that you have probably caused quite a bit of brake down in relationship between you and your counsellor tbh. If I were her I don't think I would see you again.

I would say that you are racist to some degree or you wouldn't have thought of someone's colour when angry, this doesn't mean that you have negative views on black people or black rights, merely that you are a bit racist.

It's a shame =( xxxx

[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by Gus1234U

notice that everyone has focused on your admitted racism, and not on your unbearable pain. if you find a doc who will treat you for chronic pain, hold on for dear life. in the meantime, see if you can find any pain tolerance techniques that don't involve substance abuse...

i have heard that meditation can be helpful in taking your mind off the pain, which is the same as not feeling it, or having it be vague in your awareness. i use a brain repair technology which supports meditation, called Holosync. you can get it in many forms online. it should always be used with stereo headphones (or earphones)... if you want to know more, please feel free to PM me...

best wishes~
Gus

Gus: I hope that you actually read all of the comments. If you did, you would have noticed that I did not focus on the OP's "admitted racism" as you say, and many of the previous posters (including DocJohn) focused on the OP's chronic pain and suggested various ways for the OP to deal with said pain. The "admitted racism" to me, is not the issue here. Yes, it is a hot button topic, but you are right, the focus is this person's pain and what they are doing (or perhaps not doing) to alleviate it. What I read was that the OP was striking out, due to the intense pain that they were in. I too agree that the OP should find other means of dealing with their chronic pain outside of substance abuse.

To the OP: good luck. And hopefully you can find a chronic pain specialist that can help you.

Racism does come from pain. They say self hatred. The first step is admitting it.. Kudos on that.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Marshellette]

Alcohol didn't make you do it, you made you do it. Gain control over your actions. Start now.