[offthegrid]

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum and I really don't have anyone irl I would like to share this with as they have their own problems and wouldn't know how to help. I have never been diagnosed with anything so maybe this is something maybe it's nothing. I don't know or care, I just want to be able to function.

I don't have a job, I walked out of my last job because I was a crappy employee at a horrible high stress, low paying place were hours and duties changed whenever anyone in any level of management felt like it. I don't want to get to much into that but basically, I got so depressed I wouldn't eat dinner sometimes, I would constantly sleep, I didn't feel any joy in life. I would pull over and cry on my way to and from work just to relieve the tension. The thing that really sucks is that I would apply for other jobs and while a had a few interviews, I couldn't even get a bit...basically there was no way out of there other than me walking out one day. While leaving that job has freed me up to do other things such as get more involved with my church and work on my own business (art related), it brought it's own set of problems which I will go through.

1 - I have a degree in design but not a lot of actual experience since graduating a few years ago. I feel a little lost actually. People say that I'm "good" but I get extremely self conscious when I'm actually obligated to do paid work. So much so that I lose focus and energy for it, I don't communicate with project managers, and ultimately miss deadlines. Not the best way to build a business or network.

2 - As far as starting a business, I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know how to make a business plan or anything. I don't want to look stupid to others so I just don't ask. I also don't want them to tell me how stupid they think my ideas are...or if they think it's a good idea I don't want them to take over and control the whole thing. I should just get a "normal" job but I'm not employable.

3 - I am awful at actually mutitasking major life tasks (i.e going to school and working, having 2 jobs things like that). This means that when I was working full time, I was not able to also work on my illustration. Now that I have the time to devote to that, I don't want to slow down my progress by having an actual job. PLUS applying for jobs by itself is immensely time consuming and stressful. So lately, I don't even apply for jobs anymore. The problem is, in a year I will not longer be able to stay on my parents' health insurance for one thing and my parents are nagging me about finding a job. I don't even live with my parents, I live with a sibling 2 hours away but they still try to schedule my days so that I do what they want. I need to have my days set up a certain way in order to make work and be productive, and I need much more time to work on my craft than my family thinks I do. The constant question *you found a job yet* just stresses me out. I don't handle this well and I end up shutting down. I can't tell them to shove it because I'm from a culture were you respect parents and their concern is valid.

Is it unreasonable to assertively tell them the stop trying to make me get a job? Why can't I multitask in life? Is there anyway to actually not suck at handling stressful situations?

They suggested I go back to school but at this point, I have already used enough time and energy on art and I refuse to do anything else. It's my passion and I don't care about anything more than being able to create other than God and loved ones. Plus I'm not smart enough for anything medical like they would prefer. When I was in my early 20s they pressured me to get into a "good field" and I followed that path failed and almost wrecked my self esteem in the process.

4 - I have a boyfriend of several months who is respectful, ambitious attractive and one of most compassion people I have ever met. The problem is I feel like I'm having a hard time being open with him. I'm used to not being direct or speak my mind freely. Most of my life is about me being able to sit down, shut up and do what I'm told or someone will disagree with me and all but tell me I'm not allowed think how I want even about minor things. I mean, this guy is pretty understanding about things I have expressed to him so far so I may be overly guarded for no reason.

My main coping strategies are mostly avoidance or passive aggression to avert conflict. I don't want that to be how things are in my life anymore. How do other people handle this? I don't want to shoot myself in the foot as far as the relationship goes, I don't want to seem undateable or run him off because of baggage or insecurities. Will he notice if I just don't say certain things? Is this relationship doomed to failure because I'm not perfect?

Another thing about the relationship issue is that I feel like I need to verbally confirm things. I don't like vague-ness and it kind of stresses me out. (again the same is true in other areas of my life). I like for things to be spelled out. For example, I am extremely adamant about not engaging in sexual activity of any kind before marriage. In the beginning I didn't bring this up explicidely but then felt a need to actually say it. So far, of the things I felt the need to explicitly tell him, he assumed were true anyway. Would this be the type of thing that would annoy him after a while (me needing to hear/say things in an obvious manner)?

[pegasus]

Hello offthegrid, nice to meet you. You sound a little depressed and anxious though there are sparks of hopefulness in your writing too. You have a lot of good things going for you but it is difficult to see when we are feeling that low. We have many forums here that could address your above issues one by one - relationships, job/career and a depression forum. I hope you will check the forums out. Welcome to Psych Central!