Everything I do feels like a lie.

This is going to be very difficult for me to explain.

I feel like everything that I do, I do as if people who I would like to "impress" (specific people, like people that I know from school) are watching me on a screen and seeing everything that I do. Not in a paranoid kind of way, just imaginative. And this forces me to constantly act as if I'm being watched and I want people to see that I have a problem. And even when I'm not really thinking about it, I behave that way, as if someone is watching or I'm on a TV show and I have a serious problem.

This is not me saying that I don't have any problems. I do suffer from an eating disorder, and I have frequent suicidal thoughts. But now it's like they're amplified. There's this voice in my head that is trying to drive me crazy, and another voice that is telling me that everything I do is fake. I don't feel like myself I don't feel like I'm a real person anymore. In any given situation, I don't know if what I'm doing is what I would actually do, or what this subconcious voice is telling me I should do. This voice wants me to have a serious mental problem. I have frequent (by frequent I mean everyday at least 3 times a day) thoughts of my entire family dying and in my head I play out how I would react, if/how i would kill myself, and I have thoughts of many other terrible things happening to me that cause me to lose my mind. And within these thoughts are my family/friends' reactions to these things. It causes me to wish these bad things would happen so that I could do just that.

Now please understand, I don't actually wish to have serious mental health problems. At least I don't think I do. I don't know what my real thoughts are anymore. I just always behave as if my friends are seeing me and I should have a really bad mental issue.

Again, you may not understand, but I think this "fake problem" might be a serious problem. There is a war in my mind because I never know what I'm actually thinking or if anything that I'm feeling is real. Please help me understand.

Hello sweetglass, welcome to Psych Central!

We can't diagnose on the internet but it does sound like you are getting distressed. Anxiety can make us feel that way but it could be that you are on your way to psychosis. So, please seek some in real life help, go see your doctor, you do not need to live your life like this. It is not a fake problem. Hugs to you.