[JamesEJ]

ive kinda hit a stage of apathy. my eyes feel completely expressionless and the only feeling I've had the past few days has been this weird blend of awkwardness mixed with fear when my attempts at interacting with friends and family get uncomfortable.

i quit smoking 2 weeks ago. before that i was an avid cigarette and weed smoker, now just weed. when i was 15 i saw many psychologists, but they were all too scared to diagnose me. they just said i 'over intellectualised things' and that i was 'anxious' but never took any steps further than CBT probably because of my age. they did warn me though that if i didn't get my symptoms into check, my 'over intellectualising' brain would give me hell as i grew up.
anyway, when i finished school things started to get worse. a routine of drug use developed, centring around daily weed smoking and occasional psychedelic use. i stopped using psychedelics after the notion of 'challenging reality' became so scary that i had to repress many of the emotions attached to it. LET ME BE CLEAR i do not think i have a drug induced psychosis or anything. the longterm effects i felt from psychedelics were just me dipping my toe into an ocean of Absurdism and existential crisis, and i quickly chickened out of jumping into it. i have simply shut off that aspect of my life, and call it a 'stupid' and 'pointless' pursuit. further more, i do not have any obvious delusions or hallucinations - the closest to the former being these intense feelings of guilt and hopelessness which seem deluded to everyone else.
a girlfriend i dated all through my final school year, who i am still with, had been a constant crutch for me because she is simple and from a different, more blissfully ignorant world than my own. around about the same time as finishing school, our sex life went out the window. at the time i used to say i was intimidated by the level of her sexual experience (she used to be very promiscuous before meeting me) but i slowly began to realise it was more a general loss of libido. i still masturbate (sorry, TMI) but my drive to actively seek out my girlfriend or, for that matter, other women is next to nothing.
so this year, since february i had been seeing a social worker who specialised in CBT (as advised by the assessing psychiatrist at the clinic), and trying to exersize and so on. but the trouble with seeing a psych is that my problems (until recently) came only in episodes. i might be feeling anxious, sad, depressed for weeks on end, but it was always at levels which were of no interest to therapists and even myself to an extent. it was more these episodes which last anywhere up to a few hours that i was worried about. The psychs maintained this idea of simple anxiety based disorders because they had not witnessed the episodes. I told them about my episodes which i attributed to my father's temper and they would attempt to make their diagnosis inclusive of these episodes with the phrase 'panic disorder'. it is important to note how difficult these episodes are too explain. i just feel complete frustration with myself and the world, and then frustration with the frustration and so on till infinity or until the episode ends.

all that I've written so far is my psychological history but not my point for posting this. i just want some guidance. i had an episode last week in which i was acting so different from my usual self that my mother took us to a family GP i hadn't seen since i was a kid. he told me i need to go and see a psychiatrist rather than this social worker, but the time it takes to get an appointment could be over a month.
Each time i have an episode, i feel it gets worse. i say things that should never be said. things that cannot be argued with. they are statements about existence and the pointlessness of life, statements that everyone else seems surprised to hear i have trouble with. its as though they all know these things too, but somehow have knowledge of another set of truths that makes these absurdist statements somehow 'all part of life'. or sometimes i feel its like they are simply incapable of even comprehending these statements and that to them, these statements are concepts saved only for drunk conversations and when trying to sound profound.

And now...i kinda feel like I've sent myself into an induced social coma. i do not express anything further than what i am trying to achieve (yes or no answers, simple direct questions, not bothering to repeat myself when asking a favour or question). i think i have done this because i am so scared about my next episode. i know that it will be very bad, and i worry that one day the episode will be so bad that i kill myself, because grandiose and final thoughts are very common when i have these episodes. also suicidal thoughts have been recurrent in my life.

im worried. do you think i have bipolar? or how about psychosis? id love to believe its depression or something i can work at, but i think my own personality traits (lack of discipline, oversensitivity, melodramatic) make the condition much more chronic. Im scared, currently i am studying to become a psychologist. the idea that the problems I'm facing will stop me from pursuing what i want is terrifying.

what should i do given i have up to a month before i can get a diagnosis? should i commit myself to a psych ward if i have another episode? i guess its hard for any of you to say. its kinda ridiculous of me to ask you to diagnose me over the internet. i just wanna say all this stuff to someone who at least has a grasp on the concepts because no one in my lfe does (my girlfriend is simple, thats why i love her; my dad refuses to believe that psychologists have any place in society; my mum is a hopeless optimist who will just try and give me advice and worry herself; my sister has her own messed up issues and i think neither of us can help each other -- AND NONE OF THEM EVER AGREE WITH EACHOTHER, further more, they actively disagree)
the worst thing is most of my life I've been raised to believe there is nothing wrong with me. that I'm just dramatic and i make it up, and that anything that is wrong with me is just cause my parents raised me wrong, or my friends aren't good, or I'm not excersizing well enough or what ever. well if thats the case, then i will definitely off myself because if i can't do anything about this then i dunno what else to do.

please, don't remove this post. it might be in the wrong forum, or the wrong wall or whatever, but if u have to do anything just move it across or something. I've been trying a lot of different phone services and they all tell me they'll call me back and never do. i dunno if i could take rejection from the online community as well.

i live in australia so bear that in mind if you want to give me practical advice relating to seeking out therapy.
theres so much more i need to say but I'm just going to have to post this. people can ask me questions i guess if it really grabs their attention.

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, JamesEJ. You and your treatment team must determine the appropriate course of action.

I wish you well.

[Wren_]

hi James,

Do you have an appointment to see a psychiatrist already following the gp visit? for now ... it might help most to go back to that same gp and share what you've said here including how serious it is and ask again for help. I know it's frustrating having to keep covering the same ground; but the gp might be the best source of help currently ... or if that one is unable to help find another one.

First, cut out the weed and any and all drugs. It could be having an effect, a delayed effect, that is unique to you. You can live without weed. So live without it. That's the only way to know if it is having some atypical effect on you.

Second, find some mission or purpose on life other than weed, your girlfriend, and going to therapy. Being interested in something that engaged you every day can have an effect on your whole life. It can sort of take you past lots of bad emotions. What is your "thing"? You need a "thing." You need to get into something, something good, something constructive. Life can feel pointless when, in fact, you have no "thing" that's yours and that you are interested in. Your thing could be getting trained or educated in something that will enable you to earn good money. Or it could be bodybuilding. Or it could be surfing. It could be entering a dance competition (ever see the movie "Silver Linings Playbook"?), it could be training horses, or raising dogs to sell. It could be convincing the government to give back Australia to the aborigines. It could be Scientology or Buddhism or yoga or martial arts. It could be wrestling crocodiles like that famous Australian who died trying to ride a stingray. It could be training yourself to be a stage magician, or as singer like Lorde. It could be hiking across the outback and writing about your adventures with extraterrestrials who have a base out there. It could be getting on a rugby team. You could invent a new kind of beer and become a millionaire. It doesn't really matter as long as it is healthy and you really are into it, you really want to do it.

"Help, i guess." You need to face life head on, be like the men and women who originally settled Australia and struggled against the all the hardships but triumphed in the end. If you flee from hardships of life, from all adversity, and demand that everything be easy, life will be miserable and will keep coming at you and attacking you. You must attack life, in a constructive way. You must make decisions and take the initiative, and not keep waiting until everything feels good. You must get tough like Crocodile Dundee or Russell Crowe. By the way, did you see that movie "Cinderella Man," starring Russell Crowe. It's the true story of a boxer during the Depression, trying to feed his family.

That's what I think. That's all I got. Good luck.

[Ripose]

TomThomas made some very good points about finding a new purpose in your life.

All I have to add is, never let someone else tell you there is nothing wrong with you when you know there is. Yes, listen to their opinions but remember to take some responsibility in guiding your treatment (if you can). Or else you risk falling in between the cracks of mental versus medical treatment. Like I have for the last 10 years.

Be kind to yourself and have a great day!