[Numbed]

Sorry the mess and blurts, once again no sleep for moi and MPH am not taking as prescribed. Afraid of coming across whiney/cry baby, so sharing/ask this is kinda tough for me, but feel have to share if ever have any chance of getting actual professional help and to stop with my meds than aren't helping.

Just would really appreciate, like, and need your opinion on whether:
- i'm correct about title
- I should tell mental health clinic
- If so, how should I inform/present
- Any idea what might happen/to expect
- Chances I will be "blamed"?

So here's some of what I went through after diagnosis of ADHD, nearly 3 years ago. It's not all of it, just a few main parts. Again sorry about the sloppiness, kinda messed up atm.

So, short version:

After submit to authority, first time in 26 years after 15 years of emotional abuse, because tried everything to move forward with my life, but completly failed trying over 5 years, so realised I actually need help.

That Psychiatrist then ignored me, finished my statements, questions, with "and, I know, so...?" Or say it again like She is informing me.

Not listening to me when I say MPH not working (ADHD med) and suffering, only getting worse and worse, and saying, nope, not working, and being insulted with (paraphrased) "No such thing as a magic pill, gotta do work yourself", after burning myself, left to deal with ADHD and suprise ASD diagnosis, whilst trying to not get evicted and trying to fill in form for sickness of disorders I knew nothing about, resulting in hospitalization cause didn't eat a whole to in 6 weeks (half bag of rice, about).

Told her not working, keep trying She says, doesnt happen overnight.
(I'm not gonna say every time She insulted me and my intelligence, but it was more than 22 times!)

So with my relentless drive, I kept going, I can do this, I believe in myself (which I did). Accept grudgingly "she's a professional... she knows what she's doing"

All I did was get worse, and all She did was ignore and insult, 6 months of getting worse She did nothing. So tried MPH variant etc. Worse, next, just as bad. Etc.

My point is, no doubt my Psych was negligent or that other word, no doubt She tried bullying me with her Phd, no doubt She had no clue what She was doing.

I kept going. Worse. Asked about alternative after researching medication. Well the one I found and know for a fact would be more suitable, it was a stone cold no. No explaination, not even a seconds thought.

Well, from this point, after thinking "oh She just doesn't know, i'll get some info for her" "After all "learning experience together" she said...

Basically... My Psych repeatedly triggered my emotional abuse of my childhood for months, (which didn't realise because so focused on moving forward with ADHD and life), I ended up abusing my ADHD medication, whilst already not sleeping, in a high anxiety house (became homeless afterwards, cause Psych wouldn't sort out someone to simply remind me to make payments after asking and saying She would), and my LDG, I could see/hear/feel how She was, how my life/state was affecting her. This messed me up. There is more to this, but not matter for now.

I was abusing my ADHD medication, because I just HAD to finish my written request for alternative medication, but it HAD to be perfect, She ignored all my other input I gave at previous visits, but not that, childhood, blamed, accused, told wrong/liar, shutdown, out, told something wasn't, ofc perfectionism develop from that, OCD to. Well I was doing that with the letter, but emotions, manic, taking too much, not sleeping for days, etc, I just kept messing up or trailing off.

One point I just stopped seeing Psych, no call, for 6 months because seeing her was only making me worse. So after getting a clearer head, and going back, still won't allow prescription. Hell, even ended up seeing her boss one time as She was busy, boss being a consultant Psychiatrist, She was a lot nicer than my Doc, ie not a bully, not condescending or insulting, but still won't prescribe alternative med. and still every single thing She told me, I already knew, I accepted my doc was a moron, but consultant? At least she was lovely though.

Well, i'm still on the wrong med, initial reasons being "well it's this or nothing" from my Psych.... well i've been abusing it for several months. Month script in 7-10 days. Dose not as high as when I was homeless and going through that, thank ****, but I have been abusing it. Not out of addiction, I don't eve think it's out of poor self control, I think it's not caring. Ofc at start of every new month script, I always have, "ok try this time, been down enough", but always end up failing that.

15 years of emotional abuse, I did drugs 16-18, zero problem with addiction or abuse. Don't drink alcohol. Have never used any sort of thing to "numb" the pain, not ever. Wouldn't even accept painkillers for stomach acid in my lungs whilst in hospital after those 6 weeks, did ask for something to help sleep though, noisey ward, and I hadn't slept real slept since started medication, ofc answer was no, thought ask though. Not painkiller at dentist whilst having tooth drilled as kid, nada.

Well, I attempted sucide 4 times (yes four) in my mid teens. The emotional abuse was that bad and I was that messed up. After those dark moments, trying that again never crossed my mind, I was out of the house at 15.

Well, I was close to doing it at 27, when my Psych repeatedly triggered me. I probably could of handled everything else, wasn't first time homeless, nor sleepless nights, but I believe I could of handled it.

I read up on C-PTSD later, and one of them " ", ugh, whilst I wasn't sure 100% if Psych was as such, even though can recall things better than she can every meeting months later, and wasnt worth the trouble, or if did see a solicitor, and failed, would be left with no doc, these were a few of the reasons why I didn't take action, one being though the C-PTSD I now aware of:

Well, making apost just now, and ending with, perhaps should see Psych about lack of enjoyment really have, witty defense mech kicked in and I said "can't really say though seeing her ruins my whole month though xD"

I realised, is seeing her every month after all the suffering I went through, supposely under "her care", being triggered by her repeatedly almost resulting in suicide, being bullied, lied to, phd badge authority flashed, insulted and so on, I realised about an hour ago that given all that, especially after submitting because I knew my somewhat tad intense personality would prob intefere with therapy etc...

Is it just me, or am I in this stupor, no motivation, no drive, abusing medication, not caring and so on, STILL after many months I feel dead? Because i'm reminded consciously or unconsciously of all I went through with her?

Most nights it's suicide ideation when I put my head down eventually. Used to get depressed before sure when super tired, but this? no.

I can see how that connection can be made/real, but struggle to accept it, because I have be so self suppressed emotionally and trained self to ignore pain growing up, that I need to ask you guys,

is it my Psych the reason why I still feel dead? Seeing her everyone month?

I dont "feel depressed" but again, how would I know, suppressed, detached, always focusing on other stuff. My Psychiatrist said, well I don't meet the criteria for clinical depression, but She couldn't tell I suffered for immense anxiety, I didn't even know, was that numb. How could say whether depression or not? Any type. At the point whereI couldn't continue any more, decided to give it too more months of hell, I told my psychiatrist as a STATEMENT "i'm gonna kill myself i don't improve in 2 months". I had to verbally express myself before She got off her *** and actually attempted to get support, this being OT.
How could a trained professional not see someone only get worse since starting treatment? To miss that much degration, must be on drugs or something....

It was a statement I told her, not a cry for help, I didn't do those, I was just merely declaring my intentions, zombified going through the motions of seeing her every month.

Won't say when didn't but it wasn't cause got help...
2months, because I couldn't put my LDG through it anymore. I Could see how it was affecting her, but no more.


I'm not being a "cry baby" here am I? which I am seriously asking, since growing up not reacting/showing weakness, pain etc. I feel like I am acting like a "cry baby" because technically "blaming" someone else and I stopped doing that around 20, as started personal growth, and "blaming" is childish/immature etc, is my view.

Even though I have that C-PTSD

"an unusually high inclination to feel sorry for other people who are under stress, including those in a position of authority, even those who are not fulfilling the duties and obligations of their position (which may include the bully) but who are continuing to enjoy salary for remaining in post [hint: to overcome this tendency, every time you start to feel sorry for someone, say to yourself "sometimes, when you jump in and rescue someone, you deny them the opportunity to learn and grow" symptom in my head.

Even before aware of c-ptsd , the main reason why didn't bother doing anythign about is because

"oh she's stress, I see that, everyone makes me, still alive aren't i? made tougher?" kind of thing. I looked at her, as sat in chair and all I could see what She was just a kid! "not her fault". Kinda thing. (Psych was 45~ just fyi)

I was making excuses, say not that big a deal, it happens, etc, pretend much defending her, and genuinely so, even felt sorry for her.

(ok starting to see that is moving towards messed up)


I can say though, I don't really care about it, only reason I typed this, is because if true, could get diff Psych, no arguments, and diff medication, that I know would be a lot more helpful.

I have compulsion to do, say, etc what's right/correct/ best choice, and pretty much can't rest it til done.

So does what i've said, sound possible/plausible or quite definitive,
that my Psychiatrist is the cause of, well everything, and to continuing to see, well... never gonna improve?

At one point I even told her about anxiety delusion had at one point on my 6 month disappearing act, walking back, getting lost amongst local park, lots of trees, told her I saw/mistook someone hanging from a,and someone nailed to tree, She writ them down, that was about it....

Something which I can't actually believe She did,I told her how bad I was in the house whilst homeles and that meds not helping, only making worse, can't sleep and Sleep and She said "well stop them then", a question.. I told her... it's the only thing getting me through it all...

So, not sleeping, anxiety, not eating, psychosis, suicidal, things with my LDG, and Psychiatrist knew I took every 4 hours, but continued to, staying up for 4,8,16,20,24,28,32,36,40 and so on, not sleeping, I KNEW what the right action was for me at that time, to send me off to a live in supportive environment where could be monitored for a few days and taken off meds...
after saying "all that's getting me through"... She...
write another ******* prescription for a month...

Going into the clinic every month, worse and worse, I could see staff reacting differently to me, I could feel the pity, I had become something I hate most, someone who cries and expects everyone to do everything for and not try, ofc I did try, I tried and burnt myself out, TWICE in less than a year, but I was "I really need help, barely keeping tears in" Sorry no funding she said with an "aww" I've never felt so weak and pathetic in my life!!

Anyway, to wrap up here, cause I could go on, but don't want to overwhelm etc, there is more what I went through, what She said, but originally took it on "she's a professional...", later "ok maybe take bit longer, i'll accept that", "okay i'll keep trying..", at one point I stopped saying anything, didnt try to ask for clarification or tell how felt, why bother? I finally realised "got to do this myself, She can't help me", couldn't take being interrupted or sentence finished or insulted or whatever, She still couldn't see I had only gone down hill!
Asking about alternative meds, and getting compelte shutdown, without any explanation, thought help educate, this went on a few visits, and shutdown, at one point She told me about how She used to work with addiction patients, ok I thought, I see the problem, past experience affecting treatment choice, I ACTUALLY tried to work with her on that! Acknowledging her own bloody problems! She wouldn't even allow a trial, not even to pick up 3 a day from the office!

I was made to feel like a ******* drug seeker, I shouldn't have to feel like that for wanting treatment. Messed up thing is first thing said to her ever "No meds, CBT please"... "sorry no funding, meds and that's it..." I hate medication, even antibiotics have problem with (lol, it's funny), left with 5 years of failure what did i have to lose, right?

Anyone before my ADHD continues off, i'll stop there.

I ask you guys on your opinions, really appreciate and need, thoughts about:

- i'm correct about title?
- I should tell mental health clinic?
- If so, how should I inform/present?
- Any idea what might happen/to expect?
- Chances I will be "blamed"?


Not sure how to deal with this though?
"Hi, Doc almost killed me and seeing her is hell, literally, give new doc, new med, k thanks" Is prob what would do, can't write detailed etc think not even attempt. Ugh.

I used to be resilient and relentless(no ego) before I started "treatment", now struggle to do anything...

I don't believe it's just ADHD symptoms, being retriggered, using med to get through and try to communicate in a letter perfect why other meds (I gave the facts face to face already...), being continued to be prescribed med I was obviously abusing, (I haven't had blood pressure checked in over 6 months... only do when on medication...) to be bullied and have to take it, knowing to react would ruin any treatment/progress, to be insulted, not just my intelligence, not only me but my GF/my sexuality when She slipped up with "so HE..." (and laughed immediately) talking about my my LDG which I hesitantly talked about infirst place with her (had to restrain myself on this one), psychosis, suicidal which not been since 15, codescended to, lied, medication/treatment withheld, not listening to I only feel worse, ending up in hospital within first few months
because of no help, none, just medication and go do whatever, I won't go on, i've had enough of this. Is it possible for all that pain experienced in that traumatic year, to now be attached/associated to my childhood emotional abuse, so when that is triggered, all the new stuff comes with too?

Am I really that emotionally blind to how bad my Psychiatrist was?
(I see the logic/ cause affect, yeah, but emotion, no, detatched, numb, trained to pain)

I don't know what I should do exactly, because i'll wake up tomorrow, say, and emotion of this be gone, I Think it's an ADHDer thing, executive function disorder that is, struggle with emotion over time, as i understand it, and i'll "I posted it, unbelivably embarressing, because see it tomorrow as "moment of emotion" etc, even weakness, and not sure why typing this exactly, so i'll stop this bit.

What do you think about the above? I know I should feel emotion, even anger over it, but.

What do you think I should I do guys?

Should I just say "**** it", post a letter or something, and see what happens?
I know I cant/shouldn't continue to abuse my ADHD meds indefinitely to escape some of the pain for a short while, so guess that's one way to stop.

I am really poor at dealing with this, because i've worked on my confrontation and aggression for a few years now, ofc my triggers still set me off, but.

What do you guys think? Yay or nay?

I just want a decent Psychiatrist, correct medication and to make progress and not feel worse 3years later than when went in.


Thanks for reading all this (at least half then :P)

Gonna go hide in embarrassment now xD

[Numbed]

Oh crap, way too long!
Didn't mean to make this lengthy :/

[spondiferous]

Short answer: if you don't have a good connection with your psychiatrist, then yes, it is extending your suffering. Even if you are dealing with mental and/or emotional health issues, you have a right to fair, ethical, and respectful treatment; everyone does. In fact, it's part of what a doctor swears when they become licensed. If you feel like your psychiatrist is violating this in any way, you have taken steps to amend it, and/or you no longer have the energy to deal with it, I say go elsewhere. I have been through enough therapists and counsellors (mostly good, but short term due to the circumstances of the therapy) to know that it's just not worth sticking around in a situation that doesn't feel good when I already don't feel good most of the time anyway.
Nothing to be embarrassed about.
Hope this helps.

[waggiedog]

Hello there '' Numbed ''. I've read through carefully you message. Right, I only need to put my thoughts in a nut shell mainly as I've recently been there, changing Psych Dr's I mean. I totally agree with our other reply. This relationship, or lack of, with your Psych Dr. needs to change, it's causing you too much harm. Obviously it won't cause her harm or trouble, as long as you mealy stay quiet and move on to another Psych Dr. I KNOW how absolutely annoying and frustrating it is to not ''get through'' to your Psych Dr, I KNOW what it's like to be totally ignored and spoken down to ~ only too well do I know I'm sorry to say. My Psych Dr. at the moment isn't my favourite person, when I warned her I was going down rapidly, into a suicidal depression, she said she wouldn't give me antidepressants as they don't work???!!!!!! What the **** is that all about????? They don't work............................so why are they prescribed if they don't work!!!!! Well, I got them in the end, but it really was ''the end'' as I was suicidal. Thank goodness the antidepressants did kick in well. Personally I would def def change if you can, though I don't know what country you live in. We can't change here in the UK, not unless you go to be a private patient, which the cost is astronomical!! I guess you could report her, that would be entirely up to you. It depends if you have to pay a lawyer or solicitor, they cost a great deal normally and you can't guaurentee the outcome. Do come back and let us know what you decide to do. Just get yourself a decent Psych Dr soon though. HUGS. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[shabur]

Numbed, I know that the UK is Nationalized Medicine so there aren't a lot of options. Do you have the ability to select your mental health professional? Here in the US, psychologists are not able to prescribe medication; only MDs, in this case psychiatrists, are licensed to do so.

Just because someone has an education in a particular field doesn't mean they are any good at what they do. Just think, depending on how educators score their students, someone can score 65% and pass, and be able to call themselves, in this circumstance, a psychologist. It sounds like you have one of those who scored low.

Can you see your primary caregiver about everything you are going through and get a referral to another mental health professional? Possibly, names of a few so you can talk to each and chose? I suggest having a list of questions that address what is important to you.

It sounds like you are going and have gone through a lot. I think you have a lot to sort through. Do you have a friend that can help you with this?