[Lady Courtesan]

They may take this down, but I feel something must be said on the subject. Recently a gentleman I had been conversing with took a post that I had written about someone else and mistook it as being meant for him. He went quite berserk on me, at a time when I am most vulnerable.

Though this is the first time I've reported it, I've had trouble with other men who have also been 'would be' stalkers. When I realized what the game was, talking about inappropriate feelings, sending romantic pictures and pleading for pictures of myself. Easy enough to cut that off by using the ignore feature.

My mistake was in taking someone seriously and giving them my personal email when I thought they were at risk. It turned out to be a ruse, just another way to gain access to me. I thought with my heart rather than my head. I have helped other members out when they were at risk and it seemed like a natural and compassionate thing to do.

I caution you ladies not to fall into the same trap. There will always be men and women who would use this place to play the mating game and we must be on our guard.

And if you think I am talking about you or sending you a secret message, I'm not. I'm here to aid in my own recovery and that of others. So please act like a gentleman (or a lady) and leave your lust to real life, where it belongs.

Lady C.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I learned that is it best to keep my communication to members on this site limited to this site. It is a hard lesson when we think with our hearts and want to help, but in the end I am ultimately responsible for keeping myself safe. No matter how much it hurts me to see others in pain, I limit myself to providing support within the forums.

I am not sure if this helps, but just know you are not alone.

[DocJohn]

Yes, I would second that caution. While most of our members are thoughtful and caring individuals, we have -- like every community has -- some people who don't necessarily understand or respect other people's boundaries. It may be hard to understand who they are at first, because they can be very good at hiding their disrespect in the early stages of getting to know them.

If you want to give out a personal email address, make up a free one at gmail.com, and use that account for such correspondence.

Best,
DocJohn

[Fuzzybear]

Lady Courtesan and Can't Stop Crying I too have thought with my heart and been hurt by individuals who seemed to care and be respectful but in fact did not care or respect me. I agree Can't Stop Crying, with your caution. Those times I've been "abused" (for want of a better word) its always been by individuals who asked me for my personal information... Individuals who I went out of my way to help many many times. (often talking on the phone and emailing and IMing late into the night when they were at risk And I was happy to do that ..so long as they were respectful and kind...and didn't play mind games )

But most members aren't like that, most are respectful and caring.

(and like Lady Courtesan I'm not talking about one individual or sending a secret message to anyone, I do not want others to suffer the pain, disrespect and trauma I've been subjected to when I was trying to help and when I thought with my heart)

With respect,
Fuzzy

[SeekerOfLife]

I agree with Lady C, CSC, and Fuzzy. And DocJohn, thank you for adding your cautions.

This is a good thread. Most of us have on this forum are trying to cope with enough challenges without having extra stresses. If we really want to communicate by email with forum members I think it's a wise option to create a gmail account just for that purpose.

[ToeJam]

I think which ever site you go on, you do need to have a bit of caution in how much personal information you're willing to give out. Also be aware of your strengths and limitations... when it comes to emails, instant messaging... Skype or whatever social medium... that is a boundary you are letting down when you let someone in, and in a time where we are becoming all to familiar with 'trolls', flaming and disrespectful behaviour through the guise of anonymity... and those who prey on the vulnerable... well, stopping it in it's tracks as quickly as possible is the best way to go: ignore, block... and if it has a deep impact on you tell someone about it.

Another way I guess to look at it is this: in real life we have a lot more to go by when we speak to somebody through their body language, mannerisms and other factors that are invisible through the typed format of a post. Even then, would you give out your email and phone number because you'd had a few chats?

I hope none of the above seems patronising or condescending just important I think to be safe and I don't like seeing people getting hurt.

[UnhingedHick]

Agreed i too did have an issue with a stalker on here and it can be rather concerning and unsettling.

[8thstreetbungalow]

Since everyone already posted the whole "avoid stalkers and be wary" advice. I thought i would share some things i do personally when i come in contact with stalkers. I myself at one point was a stalker (no longer) so maybe this would give some insight. This obviously doesn't pertain to all stalkers though.

When I personally come in contact with stalkers I first of all make sure they have no ability to find my house and address or know anything about where I work and what my daily routine is. I don't ignore them, I talk with them like a normal human being and even if I am violated in concerns to privacy and what not I try my best to not show any stress about it. I maintain a passive-aggressive tone and communication. I use a fake name, if this individual is tech savy i set-up a vpn or proxy. Always do background checks.

If my identity is discovered i suggest alerting all family members and friends that are on social media.

Alot of times i discovered that these people are simply seeking attention and don't understand proper social skills to handle the issues that are present.

As for your situation with the getting angry and attacking you over posts. This is definately alarm to alert an authority figure of one way shape or form.

[lizardlady]

I was once stalked at another site. The person had me convinced they knew who I was in "real" life, where I lived and where I worked. It scared the holy bejebbers out of me. I was terrified they were going to show up at my door one day. Eventually it worked out okay, but I had a few months of terror before it did.

The lesson I learned out of it was to be extremely careful about what information I share on the web. I verge on being paranoid about giving out personal information, but it's self-protection.

I would encourage another here to report stalking behavior to the admins/mods.

[8thstreetbungalow]

lizard you should of told authorities instantly about that so they can give you a sense of security through the expierence, they also give advice on hoe tohandle the situation better if you ask.

[lizardlady]

8thstreetbungalow, I reported the person to the site owner. They told me they would ban the person if the behavior continued. It never happened. Also, I had been foolish enough to give the stakler my e-mail address. Yeah, learned that lesson! They took the stalking to e-maqil. I ended up closing that e-mail account.

[8thstreetbungalow]

@lizardlady in today's day and age. If he wanted your email address he would get it anyway. Technology is too advanced and cyber-security isn't as up to par.

[glok]

I had a stalker too. One who told me it was just a game and she had won. Oh well, there is good in hard lessons too.

[brainhi]

It is not right to over step the bondaries into someone's space...but I am going to be very honest with you, the name "Lady Courtesan" may attract some unwanted attention - I mean no disrespect to you!

[InRealLife45]

Yikes! I haven't experienced this at all in my experience on the site (unless AsiaBlue thinks I'm stalking her? lol) the people I talk to off site have all been pretty great.

[Open Eyes]

I had a bad experience myself, and got the I know who you are etc. I almost just left PC tbh. I was only worried the person would harm themself too, and I did not know that sending a PM to what the person only left as a contact being an email would expose my own email. I don't have, especially not then, a lot of computer experience and had never done anything like PC before either.

I was not doing well at all at the time either, but I just didn't talk about it. I think it is so important to remember this is a site where people are struggling, many worse then they let on. I am glad I decided to stay because I ended up meeting someone that saved my life tbh, I was really, really bad and had no IRL support at all.

OE

[Lady Courtesan]

Thanks for the heads up brainhi-

I'm going to change my name and my avatar and hide under the bed in case someone is moronic enough to take my name as some kind of invitation...



and they survive the gun, the bowie knife and the mace.

[badjuju89]

Speaking of changin names... random question is there a.way to change your user name on this forum or am I stuck with this one the whole time.... :/

::@nn@fr3nch::

[glok]

Hello, badjuju89.

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