[sage68]

Hello Freinds,

My name is Sage68. I am withholding my real name, because i dont want my feelings traced back to me, since where i live this post would be pure gold to gossipers if found.

I am a 17 year old male, turning 18 in less than a month. this is a long story so please, stay with me.

I look at myself right now as a Smart, Handsome, Strong young man. People see me as someone with potential. I am chock full of it. Ive been on TV, the news, magazines, news papers, and even blogs for my accomplishments. i have people who respect me, love me, want to be me, and hate my guts. but all my life i have been reminded constantly that i am "different" Yeah, all of you have heard this song and dance, but hear me out. As in different, i mean this: I first spoke to my parents 6 months after my birth. when i was three years old, i was already reading, writing, and taking things apart that didnt work and made them into something else. at age 3 i was diagnosed a Genius by 2 Psychologists. kinda sound like a Narcissist dont I? Funny thing is i have barely any self esteem. When i was little i was full of rage. in public school i couldnt function. the teachers hit me and locked me away, i was hidden from kids, bullied to extreme extents, placed on special ed, and hidden from the outside world. even when the school let me into a real class room, i was that socially awkward, weirdo kid, who did anything to try and fit in. i was reading at a 5th grade level in the second grade. but i was held back becuase they thought i was the "dumbass". The state sent me to several homes for 18 months total after my behavior got worse. even though my rage was under control, it was the beginning of what seems to me the most painful teen years there is. After Social Services and the state stopped hounding my parents, i was 12 years old. ready to live my teenage life homeschooled and isolated. a new chapter it seemed. i live in a rather desolate area, closest town being 30 miles away, and city 120 miles away. little did i know the pain wasnt over. fast forward to today, I have been through many nights spent alone, dates that never showed, parties and gatherings ive been told i cant attend, (one of them being my best freind in grade school who died and his family told me to not come) and people that still wont let me around their children, and parents that were never the same. Im fighting a battle right now. the Battle of Anxiety, ADHD, Stress, and extreme Worry. I have IBS, Irritable bowl syndrome, so that just makes life dandy. i cant go one day without making the toilet turn red. Doctors cant figure it out and it only happens when im stressed. I Obsess, ALOT. I worry about everything. i am extremely immaculate. When i clean something, i clean it spotless. since i work for my dad working on vehicles, i freak out about the littlest things, often fixing more than i should or breaking something that wasnt broken trying to fix it. i spend 4 hours changing oil just for the fact i redo everything 4 times maing sure its perfect. another issue i have is lying. I lie to sugar coat and not hurt people. all my life i have been questioned, accused, and had to lie to escape some nasty situations, or just to avoid getting my rear slung across the house my the belt. (or in some cases having DSS spy on us) I Love to lie to make conversations more lively, or get out of trouble, even to try and take advantage of the people who have used me. only reason i do this is for the self support or to be accepted by others. Pretty sad right? Only way i can fit in around here is to lie. is it right? No. should i stop? Yes. Can i? NO. Funny thing is, unless its my parents, someone who has taken advantage of me, or someone who is a complete tool, if im questioned or asked something and im in huge trouble, i break down crying and tell the whole truth.. no matter how bad it would affect me. you are probably thinking im a piece of work right now. But i try. Im literally the biggest hearted guy i can be. I do nice things for people. sometimes becuase i want something, and sometimes becuase i want to make their day and i can enjoy the encouragement i get. i am a very polite person, i have manners, class, and personality, but all my problems reflect when i get comfortable with someone.

But the reason i have broken down to write this is i am in a massive ditch right now and i dont see the tunnel.

My Dad is in his mid life crisis. he doesnt want anything to do with my "feelings"

My mom is having serious Health issues.

My grandma already told me she doesnt care

my best freind wont talk to me

Right now i am in a depression hidden by the smile on my face and the pain i hold in. i cant look anyone in the eye anymore or even walk into a room and leave becauase the confrontation of "why you leaving" or "why you here?" is too much for me to handle. I have drifted from my wonderful girlfreind because i dont have the energy to love her, i feel like my whole body is dry and my insides are falling out every day and night. my mind runs 400MPH 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I dream and think ALL THE TIME and i can never rest. this whole month has felt like something wants me gone.. ive been in two minor car accidents one my fault and another with a freind, everything i enjoy doing doesnt feel good to do anymore.. Im sick and tired of the constant "dont kill yourself" dont do something stupid"... those things are something i will never do.. ALL I WANT IS MENTAL PEACE.

I need help. all the therapists, doctors, and people ive seen think medicine is the solution.. but theres a huge story behind that i wont get into.

This is how i feel, tell me what yout think..

[OracleFox]

Originally Posted by sage68

Hello Freinds,

My name is Sage68. I am withholding my real name, because i dont want my feelings traced back to me, since where i live this post would be pure gold to gossipers if found.

I am a 17 year old male, turning 18 in less than a month. this is a long story so please, stay with me.

I look at myself right now as a Smart, Handsome, Strong young man. People see me as someone with potential. I am chock full of it. Ive been on TV, the news, magazines, news papers, and even blogs for my accomplishments. i have people who respect me, love me, want to be me, and hate my guts. but all my life i have been reminded constantly that i am "different" Yeah, all of you have heard this song and dance, but hear me out. As in different, i mean this: I first spoke to my parents 6 months after my birth. when i was three years old, i was already reading, writing, and taking things apart that didnt work and made them into something else. at age 3 i was diagnosed a Genius by 2 Psychologists. kinda sound like a Narcissist dont I? Funny thing is i have barely any self esteem. When i was little i was full of rage. in public school i couldnt function. the teachers hit me and locked me away, i was hidden from kids, bullied to extreme extents, placed on special ed, and hidden from the outside world. even when the school let me into a real class room, i was that socially awkward, weirdo kid, who did anything to try and fit in. i was reading at a 5th grade level in the second grade. but i was held back becuase they thought i was the "dumbass". The state sent me to several homes for 18 months total after my behavior got worse. even though my rage was under control, it was the beginning of what seems to me the most painful teen years there is. After Social Services and the state stopped hounding my parents, i was 12 years old. ready to live my teenage life homeschooled and isolated. a new chapter it seemed. i live in a rather desolate area, closest town being 30 miles away, and city 120 miles away. little did i know the pain wasnt over. fast forward to today, I have been through many nights spent alone, dates that never showed, parties and gatherings ive been told i cant attend, (one of them being my best freind in grade school who died and his family told me to not come) and people that still wont let me around their children, and parents that were never the same. Im fighting a battle right now. the Battle of Anxiety, ADHD, Stress, and extreme Worry. I have IBS, Irritable bowl syndrome, so that just makes life dandy. i cant go one day without making the toilet turn red. Doctors cant figure it out and it only happens when im stressed. I Obsess, ALOT. I worry about everything. i am extremely immaculate. When i clean something, i clean it spotless. since i work for my dad working on vehicles, i freak out about the littlest things, often fixing more than i should or breaking something that wasnt broken trying to fix it. i spend 4 hours changing oil just for the fact i redo everything 4 times maing sure its perfect. another issue i have is lying. I lie to sugar coat and not hurt people. all my life i have been questioned, accused, and had to lie to escape some nasty situations, or just to avoid getting my rear slung across the house my the belt. (or in some cases having DSS spy on us) I Love to lie to make conversations more lively, or get out of trouble, even to try and take advantage of the people who have used me. only reason i do this is for the self support or to be accepted by others. Pretty sad right? Only way i can fit in around here is to lie. is it right? No. should i stop? Yes. Can i? NO. Funny thing is, unless its my parents, someone who has taken advantage of me, or someone who is a complete tool, if im questioned or asked something and im in huge trouble, i break down crying and tell the whole truth.. no matter how bad it would affect me. you are probably thinking im a piece of work right now. But i try. Im literally the biggest hearted guy i can be. I do nice things for people. sometimes becuase i want something, and sometimes becuase i want to make their day and i can enjoy the encouragement i get. i am a very polite person, i have manners, class, and personality, but all my problems reflect when i get comfortable with someone.

But the reason i have broken down to write this is i am in a massive ditch right now and i dont see the tunnel.

My Dad is in his mid life crisis. he doesnt want anything to do with my "feelings"

My mom is having serious Health issues.

My grandma already told me she doesnt care

my best freind wont talk to me

Right now i am in a depression hidden by the smile on my face and the pain i hold in. i cant look anyone in the eye anymore or even walk into a room and leave becauase the confrontation of "why you leaving" or "why you here?" is too much for me to handle. I have drifted from my wonderful girlfreind because i dont have the energy to love her, i feel like my whole body is dry and my insides are falling out every day and night. my mind runs 400MPH 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I dream and think ALL THE TIME and i can never rest. this whole month has felt like something wants me gone.. ive been in two minor car accidents one my fault and another with a freind, everything i enjoy doing doesnt feel good to do anymore.. Im sick and tired of the constant "dont kill yourself" dont do something stupid"... those things are something i will never do.. ALL I WANT IS MENTAL PEACE.

I need help. all the therapists, doctors, and people ive seen think medicine is the solution.. but theres a huge story behind that i wont get into.

This is how i feel, tell me what yout think..

Hi Sage68,
You sound amazing! If i had the intelligence you do I would be using it to my full potential! Are you happy working with your father? Have you thought about college or university yet? It seems like you simply need to make a life change to do what makes YOU happy, screw those "friends" that make you feel unwelcome, and try not to push your partner away... At the end of the day she is with you because she loves and cares about you. (we all do it, dw)
Being a teenager is a very hard time and I am only just becoming aware of how harsh and critical we are on ourselves at such a time, constantly putting pressures on ourselves to succeed in a particular way or behave the way others expect us to... But you really don't need to.
I myself am 20 y/o and have gone through depression and anxiety before (still ongoing) so I understand those overwhelming feelings... Trust me you're not alone! Although I can not relate to your wonderful academic abilities I can tell you that there IS help out there, you just have to be open and inviting to it.
You should even just ask your local GP if there are any support services available to you locally? There are a lot of great websites like beyond blue that help with mental health.
I was just like you, extremely against medication but it got to the point where I felt I actually needed it & I was only recently diagnosed and prescribed a temporary medication (4 weeks, low dosage) that I am now off and I do think that helped for a while... It is important that you seek help from a professional you feel you can trust and talk to, even seeing a counsellor regularly just to have a chat about your feelings.
Don't be scared of medication, ALOT of mental health issues need medication to be treated.
Have you tried some activities that help you calm down and relax? I know it sounds cliche but meditation, yoga, going to the gym and playing sports, even just going for a walk and listening to music can be great ways to get your mind out of that crazy place where overthinking takes over!
I hope you find the help you need, hopefully this helped a bit just remember you are NOT alone and you sound like a fantastic person you should be very proud of your achievements and abilities!

[Open Eyes]

Hi sage68, from the way you describe yourself, I am wondering if you are more high functioning on the autistic scale rather than ADHD. I am just thinking about how you struggle with your temper at times, that is often a challenge with high functioning autism, also the need to repeat somethings to perfection as you do. There is also difficulty with social skills too. Of course, I am not diagnosing you in any way, just wondering if you may have been misdiagnosed as some of the symptoms of these two challenges are similar.

Yes, sadly, when a student has challenges, may be exceptionally gifted intellectually, but struggles with social skills or experiencing temper flairs from overload, schools tend to place them behind rather than moving them forward so they can embrace the intelligence that is present.

Just so you know, the late teens are a stressful time in life anyway as while the body is changing hormonally to the adult body, the brain is still growing and not ready to settle in to some big life plan "yet". Also, there is a period during the teen years developmentally where teens do experiment with lying. It is also "normal" to have social challenges and not really be ready for some long term relationship commitment either.

If you have "either" challenge, you should be trying to do something that is physically active for you in some way. Often an intelligent mind can run along in high gear and it is very important to have the body also do something in a structured exertion because that is how human beings are designed to be, in motion. You would most likely do best with a sport where you can be your own person at whatever pace suits you best, rather than some kind of team sport where you are waiting for others.

You are nearing full physical development as I mentioned which many young men can struggle with at the age of 18, so it's important that you don't think that only "you" struggle with these challenges you are describing. Picking a physical sport should be something that fits into your body type too. Often Tennis is something that fits well with a smaller wirey type body for example. Don't worry about losing interest in old hobbies, that is often normal with the brain growing and wanting to try new things too. You are better off not looking to fit some kind of norm either, we are all unique anyway when it comes right down to it.

Try new things sage, move forward.

OE