[qwerty68]

I used to be dirt poor. Like having to donate plasma to eat poor. I did that for years. I was fortunate enough to qualify for almost any medical service, through the veterans medical system so I was able to get help for my issues, but that was all I had going for me.

I was so poor, but had decent enough credit, that I had to shuffle credit card bills around to be able to buy luxury items like toilet paper and laundry detergent. Over many years of only paying the minimum, that adds up.

During this time I completed my Master's degree, could never find a job due to MH, headache and seizure issues so I remained poor. I built up a system that was tenable for at least a few more years before my finances or veins collapsed. It was a crappy rut but one that I designed myself out of necessity and thrived as well as could be expected.

My degree is in computer science so I spent as much time as my issues allowed creating and maintaining various programming projects of various levels of difficulty. Anywhere from 5-25 or so hours a week. I was also able to read books. That really kept me focused on something.

Now, I don't want this to sound like I am pitying my good fortune because that would be truly pathetic and insensitive to the people here that I know struggle every day. I hesitate to post this because of that and I know how it feels to scrape by and have no hope of anything.

Last May, the VA massively increased my disability level due to my MH issues. I was able to get out of debt in a single day and thanks to the VA home loan program I should be able to buy a lowish-end home(I live in a place with really cheap real estate) with no down payment by next summer.

More importantly, I no longer have to donate plasma.

So I should be content, right? No. Not me. I wasn't really expecting extra money to fix my MH problems that have been ongoing for 21 years and my current pdoc has labelled intractable. The issue is that a 100% MH rating means "total occupational and social impairment". Those 5 words seems to have done a number on my head. I know I am more than my rating but that doesn't stop the main issue that I am taking forever to get to from happening. It is not the social part because I have no desire to be social outside my family and two websites.

Since my rating was finalized almost three months ago, I have literally spent less than 5 hours programming. Not in a week, in totality. I just don't have the motivation. Why is that? I try to force myself to do it and I just can't. I haven't read a single book either. What makes it frustrating is that I love programming and reading and left alone I would be as happy as I can be spending my days doing nothing but those things(I do get out and do long brisk walks when my feet allow it so am not completely sedentary and a shut in).

My MH issues are not worse today than it was when I was solely focused on programming and plasma just a few short months ago. I don't know if I have a question in all this, this is more of a rant. If anyone has any advice to help kick me in the butt feel free to do so, you don't even have to be nice about it.

[fairydustgirl]

Just from experience in talking to others in my support group who have been deemed 'total and 100% disabled' and this is mostly from men, I'm not making a sexist thing here ok?, it does something to them to have it put in writing, even though they had been struggling for a long time with their issues, perhaps there was always this thought, or hope, that things would somehow change. It's like getting that label closed the door on things changing. I had found that for the men, even accepting disability of any percentage was very hard for them, and I am going to make a generalization of sorts. But in society in general, esp for us older folks, men were always seen as the provider/protector/person in charge...to accept the disabled term seems to make them feel like they are no longer capable of being provider/protector/person in charge. I'm not sure if I am making a lot of sense...I just remember hearing the men in my support group talk of this occasionally and how seems to be a blow to their sense of self, what they had always seen of themselves in their role in society. They often became depressed because of it. Your lack of energy/motivation for something you have enjoyed sounds like depression symptoms are what you may be experiencing. Perhaps talking to a therapist might help?

[qwerty68]

You might be right, I never really bought into the whole 'guy' thing, despite being ex-military and spending time in a combat occupation. Still, I think there is a lot of truth to what you said.

I don't feel any more depressed than I was but who knows? My pdoc says my insight has been slipping. Sadly, it might be time to start seeing a therapist again.

Thank you for your time and response.

Hmmmm, it's never even occured to me that a man ought to be the provider.

[TishaBuv]

It sounds like you are depressed because you feel like you have lost hope. It's like they took hope away from you. Your feelings are very understandable and I hope you can conquer them and see a light at the end of the tunnel.

[fairydustgirl]

Originally Posted by qwerty68

You might be right, I never really bought into the whole 'guy' thing, despite being ex-military and spending time in a combat occupation. Still, I think there is a lot of truth to what you said.

I don't feel any more depressed than I was but who knows? My pdoc says my insight has been slipping. Sadly, it might be time to start seeing a therapist again.

Thank you for your time and response.

You are very welcome...OH and btw...as a former retired army spouse and army mom, I can absolutely say you are not stupid or worthless...you did a remarkable job that less than 1% of our population has done and most are unaware of what the job entails...mentally, physically, emotionally. I appreciate you very much. all my best!