[Baleful]

Hello, this is my first post on this forums. The first thing I’d like to talk about is “insanity”. It’s such an interesting, loose topic. It’s something that I can tirelessly read about, and only be fascinated endlessly. Why do I even have this obsession? It’s an odd thing. Of course, the brain is a curious subject, something massively difficult to see and understand. Why do I find it to be intriguing? Well, perhaps it’s just because it’s a mysterious thing, perhaps because it’s all like a giant puzzle, a game to play. But I've been obsessed with the thought that I may be insane. It doesn't exactly bother me- I don’t think much would be different if I were, in fact, insane. It’s just a title, after all- just another category to fall into.
My thoughts always seem mixed up and conflicting. I can think one thing, and it will make sense to me, but I may also think the exact opposite, and it would still seem equally reasonable. For example, although I think I may be completely insane, I also think that I am very, very sane… Why is that? Perhaps I have a strong sense of reality- I never really feel like a danger to other people, nor do I self harm. I have tried in the past, as I was awfully depressed and hated myself- I wanted to die. That hasn't exactly changed, but I don’t think that I’ll die, and I get no pleasure out of harming myself. I have so many terrible thoughts. I know they’re terrible, but I don’t reject them. I dwell on them, I think about them. How could I reject them? They are, after all, my own thoughts. Although much of my thought process is strongly based off of logic, there is always a heavy emotion that attaches itself to me when I’m alone. That’s right- I don’t feel much when I’m around others. That’s why I am the strong one- mentally. It’s odd how no one knows this crazy instability that I have, I’m so good at hiding it. I don’t want anyone to know, either. Why am I here? Well, because I was curious. Am I insane? There’s a part of me that hopes so…
But look- I cry almost every day. Always, always alone. Another soul probably hasn’t seen me cry in… 10 years? I’m still young, so that’s quite something, huh. I’ve shut myself inside me own little world. Why do I cry, though? It’s true that, yes, I am sad- but is that really it? Strange things can make me start crying: a sound, seeing an expression, a certain feeling, a thought… Why is that? It’s not like I really have anything to be crying about. I’m such a fortunate little girl, aren’t I? So lucky to have understanding parents, so lucky to go to such a great school, so lucky to have such wonderful, fantastic friends, so lucky to be so smart and perceptive, hah. Yes, so lucky. So fortunate. I’ll hear something, and something inside of me will stir, and I’ll begin to cry. I’m not very in-the-dark when it comes to things like this. Perhaps some will think that maybe it’s nostalgia- that it’s something I’d heard in the past and remembering it brought back emotions. I don’t know, really. But don’t you think crying every day is a little ridiculous? To be honest, I’ve grown so used to it, that I need to cry. I feel even worse when I don’t cry. Sometimes things people can say will set me off- it doesn’t directly make me sad, really… But it induces, a horrible, ridiculous anger or hatred. Of course, I remain completely calm and walk away as fast as possible, but it’s like my blood suddenly feels hot and adrenaline is released- I have the urge to kill something. What kind of things may they say that could make that happen? I suppose maybe if they insult my intelligence… It’s strange, because I don’t even consider myself to be especially smart, but it’s something I take pride in, regardless. It’s quite the deadly pride. Things like insults don’t anger me over the internet, though. And mind you- this doesn’t happen often. I never had trouble with bullies or anything of the sort, but don’t misunderstand. I am very unsocial, not exactly in the shy sense, though. I just hate people- they both fascinate and enrage me.
About the sadness I have, I have not been diagnosed with anything. Why is that? Well, I’ve never talked to anyone about it. No one can help me- such a narrow minded thing to believe, yes… But sometimes, things just don’t get better. Sometimes you really are alone. Sometimes there’s nothing anyone can do. I don’t consider myself an optimist of course, but I wouldn’t say I’m a pessimist, either. I just think that’s the way the world is. There isn’t always going to be an answer. Sometimes the “right” thing to do isn’t always the best thing to do. It’s all like that. As I cry, I usually sit on my knees in my locked room, hunched over. But the strange thing is this- I start laughing. It’s not because I’m happy or find something to be humorous. It’s not a joyful laugh. It’s something insane, but that laugh is the most satisfying thing I've felt.

“I was hunched over my bed, crying like the world was ending, tears falling freely from my eyes only to darken the sheets. I suddenly threw my body back and stared up at nothing. My eyes widened and I heard a laugh escape my lips and I spoke,
‘Is this normal?’

This was something I had written, as that is one of my of coping with things. This is actually exactly what happened, because, yes, I talk to myself quite a lot. Once again- it never happens when there are others present, and I do feel aware of it… Everything I say consists of my own thoughts, but as I also mentioned, my thoughts often conflict one another, even though both may seem reasonable. Surely not everyone thinks these things, right!? Surely they don’t all go through this in their youth. I highly doubt it.
There is much more. Maybe I’ll go more in depth another time. Please do tell me what you think- don’t be shy. Believe it or not, I am actually quite difficult to offend. Besides, my expectations are low. I don’t expect answers anymore. I don’t expect anything. So, tell me your thoughts, clarifications, questions, comments, anything. Humor me. I'll mark this as triggering, just because some things I may have said could be viewed as offensive and so on. Thank you for listening.

thanks for sharing your thoughts.

and welcome to PC