[muse]

Guys, I know I've been ranting a lot, and I don't know what's more annoying to you--the rants themselves or my apologies for them, then ranting anyway. XP I guess I just wanted to tell you that I recognize what I'm doing, so... yeah.

I'm kinda confused. I finally had a serious (kind of... mom's never really serious this late at night ) discussion with my parents about getting me some kind of help, but after talking with them I not only felt like I was starting to have a panic attack, I have to wonder if I even NEED help. My mom was adamant about the fact that she went through her whole childhood in severe emotional pain, and that didn't end 'till she met my dad, but by seventeen she was able to function normally again and it was all hormonal... 'till she changed her stance completely. Blarrrrggehhh... Dad's just upset. He is so good to me, he really really is, and I HATE HATE HATE!!!!! letting him down and hurting him like this.

The thing that I'm most worried about, though, is that now that I might actually GET help I almost feel... worse, more anxious. I've mentioned this on PC like, five times now, so I'm sure it's getting really old for some of you (sorry guys... XP ), but I that's one thing I DON'T understand completely--why am I so reluctant to heal? Why does so much of me WANT to be messed up?? I Doooonnnnttttt kkknnnoooowwww.....

weridness abounds
and thanks for watching, folks,
your ever-ranting
~muse

[January]

((((((((( Muse )))))))))

When you finally get to actually have therapy, it's scary. I want you to know that I sobbed through my first session with my pdoc and my therapist. I don't mean little tears coming down my face, I mean soul and body rendering sobs to the point I couldn't breathe.

You are not letting your Dad down. You are not!!!!!!!! You are making an effort to bring healing into your life. If you had diabetes, you would want to take insulin. Your Dad would want you to have your insulation.

It's clear that your Mom doesn't understand and is in denial over her own problems. Please, please don't let her stop you from getting the help you need. If you go to the pdoc and t and they tell you that you're fine, good for you! If you go to the pdoc and t and they say you need some help, good for you. It's a win-win situation.

The smart ones get help, muse. Also, if you need to rant, just keep right on doing it.

Hugs,

Jan

it's easier to hide in the safety of our disease sometimes, muse. and it's scary to step out of the shadows and actually take action. i know.

i understand your being upset about talking to your parents but i certainly don't feel that you've let your dad down. i think you're doing a good thing by asking for help and i certainly hope that you will follow through with it.

xoxoxo pat

[Wants2Fly]

What January and Fayerody said.

(((((((((((((((((((Muse)))))))))))))))))))))