I'm having mini-strokes, near to a heart attack or the most unusual panic attack. Or it's all in my head. 112/85 but pulse is 104 - now 120/85 103bpm.

I don't know what's happening, really. When my caregiver arrived this morning. Okay. I'm having a kind of stutter, not able to coordinate my mo k uth and forgetting words. No one to talk with. Embarrassing to admit but I haven't had a bowel movement in over two weeks. Okay, called my GP and he said that I could take 1 tablespoon of lactulose every hour. If pulse gets 120+ call paramedics.

It may be something physical. TIA? I'm frightened. I really don't know what's going on. If I'm not better in two hours, I'm going to the ER. I really can't have a good conversation with my caregiver. She's washing dishes.

An hour has passed and I'm feeling a little better.

And another. Ugh. I've been taking one more Xanax per day out of desperation and don't have any after today. That's where the 20 "missing" Xanx went. Ijust discovered that, so the feelings aren't related to any concern about my meds. It is very, very rare for me to misuse my meds. The last time was in 2003. It isn't as if I have a history of abusing meds. But my GP, who prescribes the Xanax, is so cautious of two drugs – Xanax and morphine – and he's right in doing so. "They " are monitoring doctors so closely now that doctors need to show caution lest they look like pill pushers. In December (or January?) I lost my written script for morphine and he turned into an ogre saying that if anything like this ever happened again he'd cut me loose. The script on the Xanax reads "Take one tablet four times daily as needed for stress." That "as needed" seems as if there's some leeway, but my GP and my therapist would cut me off so quickly if I told them the truth.

So tomorrow I start withdrawal. I knew that I would have to face this. At the time that I took that extra tablet I knew. But when I'm rolling toward the abyss it doesn't matter. I'm nearing it again. I'm almost certain that within the next 24 hours I'll be in one ward or another. That may be my only chance to survive withdrawal.

They. So many things come to mind when I think of who they might be. I don't think of a huge conference table with twenty-four Donald Trumps'. I don't think of an ancient library filled with old men and rolled parchments. I think of 10 pretty ordinary people, from around the world, that gather once a month to bring up questions that they've heard people asking, then discuss it and they come up with the answers.

There aren't any experts in much of anything but they are wise. It's an 18+ age group. The only have one requirement – they must speak French.

I don't know how they're chosen or much about them. Because they have a good sense of the future, they can predict most emergencies and prevent the majority although not all. They may not choose to intervene.

That's who they are. Other than speaking French they must be nice. They have that in common. So we should all be little wary if we encounter others that are even nominally nice. And smart in an IQ sort of way. Not any sort of experts. Couldn't explain the Higgs boson or anything having to do with particle physics but has the capacity to learn about these things. Never a Nobel winner in Literature but appreciates good literature – but only if the books are in their native tongue or in French. Another hour has passed.

I haven't checked the cameras today but at one point I started writing a message to my Aunt and it was the first thing that greeted me earlier. I read a couple of paragraphs and I think I was trying to let her know that I'm having mental problems. Our messages usually don't have any weight... and I don't know if I want to come out to her. But I don't know if it matters at all.

When I first start writing this, about five hours ago, I was frightened. I couldn't get words to work. I'm still having odd feelings. All those times when I have made remarks about not caring, wishing for, etc.

Good news. My GP called back and he's calling in 30 1mg tabs Xanax. Plenty. But what if the physical problems continue? I either had a TIA, am having bowel constriction or something. I don't seem to have done much at all yesterday. The only thing that I ate was canned pineapple and I remember that... a horrible taste but I kept eating them because I felt so hungry.

This single message has taken me over 17 hours to write.

I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. Ate jello for dinner.

Crazy as hell, though. I'm still feeling crazy as hell.

Thanks for letting me invade your space. I came closer, today, to the edge than when I first lost it. Time to go, thank you and we may meet again.

[dabdoob]

Hey ciderguy, good on you for hanging in there and staying optimistic. You're not alone buddy you always have our support. Take care and I hope you will feel better. God bless.

[kecanoe]

Glad you don't have to face withdrawal. I don't think you could be having strokes with such low blood pressure, but it wouldn't hurt to have it checked out. That way you would know if it is panic or something else. Hope that lactulose works!