This is just a venting of my frustrations. Please just allow me to tell you a little about how hard Im finding things. I wrote this because Im sick of being silent for so long. Its kind of aimed at the mental health team so when I say "you" I mean them. Im putting a trigger warning here not because I go into depth with anything in particular but because some issues are raised which might affect people so apologies in advance.

Do you have any ****ing idea what this is doing to me? I

Possible trigger:

tried suicide so many times because I CANT ****ing live like this.

No one is listening to me. Do you know how scary it is to be minding your own business and then have strange people in your flat talking to you. Its an INVASION. To feel spiders on your skin so badly that all you want to do is peel off your skin to releive the overwhelming sensation. To not be able to open your curtains or go outside for fear of being monitored or

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picked up by agents and tortured.

Then youre put on medication that makes you sleep 12-16 hours a day and still feel exhausted. The one thing in your life that you truely love and enjoy and that helps you express your problems and that your livelihood depends on as an artist. To be told you have an eating disorder when actually youre so ****ING scared that the anxiety makes you puke and causes you to have dihorrea and then to be told that actually there is no ****ING PROBLEM and that its all in your head.. "imaginary" DO YOU ****ING UNDERSTAND????
Not being able to bathe because it hurts and the sensation is unbearable. To have the weight on you that you were born into the wrong gendered body and no matter how much therapy and hormones and surgery you have it will NEVER make you feel at peace because you know ultimately that it will never make you into that person. To have been

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sexually physically verbally and mentally abused in your childhood

and see that person who damaged you so much has had no repercussions and is enjoying a life of comfort whilst you suffer with never ending nightmares night terrors and flashbacks. To have been bullied throughout school and told youre dumb, humiliated in front of the class by teachers and students when actually you have undiagnosed learning difficulties. To be made homeless and the only escape you have is through drugs because you just dont want to exist anymore. To have to live in a squat with an

Possible trigger:

abusive partner who rapes you

and the only thing that keeps you there is you fear that if youre on the streets that something worse will happen and hey at least you have a roof over your head and a matress on the floor. To try your hardest to wear clean clothes in these conditions and be turned down for jobs because you cant fill out the forms properly because you need help with the answers because the words all jumble up because you dont realise that its because all you really need is something as simple as blue paper that helps you read properly. Trying so ****ing hard to make your life better by earning a living. Do you really understand how devestating this is? And you wonder why I dont trust people. I have no faith in humanity and if there is a god then why the **** have I been dealt such a ****** hand/. What did I do to deserve this much ****ing pain? Just seriously **** you if you think you have ANY idea of how this feels. Im so ****ing sick of life.

Again I want to say that this is aimed at mental health people so Im not attacking you as a reader.. Thanks for listening

-RJ

I'm sorry for your pain RJ. I really am. I wish I could help make it gone. ((hugs)) Love ya man

ok seems pointless and ironic that Ive been silent for so many years and finally get the guts to talk about it and its censored even with a trigger warning.. abuse shouldnt be silenced.

I know you guys have policies but it feels like the only people youre protecting is those who damage us. by not giving us a voice youre continuing the cycle of silence. Im not going to argue I just want to voice my opinion.

Hi Rjstatic, i'm sorry i had to trigger some of your post but the guidelines on PC state that triggering material must be marked with a trigger code in case it distresses other members. Please note that you are still being listened to and you very much have a voice. In no way are we protecting those who have harmed you, we are here for you any time and we do not want you to stay silent.

ah ok sorry I thought it was just deleted I didnt realise it was hidden. My apologies.

[sabby]

((((((( RJ ))))))))))

If you click on the word "show" next to where it says Possible Trigger it will show what's been hidden and then you can click on it again to hide it again for yourself.

Wishing you all the best!
sabby

[dddwp]

Am so sorry for the pain and abuse you have suffered. Would love to wave a magic wand and make it all go away. Somehow, even with good counseling and you think that you may become normal, it somehow gets all undone. They talk about resilience, and how some are so resilient that they can come back from all kinds of abuse. Sometimes, tho, think there is the straw that broke the camel's back. Just that last thing that is too much. That is when we are supposed to realize that no one can save us but ourselves. That no one can love us but ourselves. That is the ultimate solution, but it is easier said than done.

[serenity2298]

I'm so sorry for your pain((((( RJ ))))