[sandworm]

Dear friends. i have found some of the best people, kindest hearts and
best advice here.
I hope i can ask for some of your input. Many people ask me why i am here.
i suffer from mental illness from outside. people ask me what that
means. i mean my mom is -broken-. she seems to be less than perfect with
my younger brother but i, after much therapy, reckon that
i get the brunt of her wrath because my biological father disappointed my mom
when she was young and had me. i feel she resents me partly because she resents and despises who he was.
i have my problems, i trust people i should not, then find out too late they
will hurt me. i fail to take care of me, i fail to know how to use my good and my
dark to make the most of my life and of life.

having the head injuries makes me so vulnerable to verbal assault. i am poor at making decisions for myself, for self-gain. I can do great for others but
have been disabused of being able to help and do 'right' by myself.
i am asking for help from all of you now. can you help me understand how to reply to this email?
it has me completely baffled. every conversation with her is this way, demeaning, blaming, shaming.

>>>Sandy (sandworm), If you want to get a ticket to fly out of Nome let me know I will have one waiting for you at the airport or send it to your e-mail.
You need to get your act together, you have had half a century to get your life on track & a lot of help from me that seems to go for naught. You have had more opportunities than most people & you still use excuses why you can't get it together. I can't continue to give you money that I need for myself. Borrowing money to send to you is not going to happen anymore.
You really should be ashamed of yourself for constantly thinking it is something I am supposed to do for you.
I love you but I don't have to like what you are doing. I can't continue to enable you to be a drag on me or someone else.
You have a lot going for you & you just haven't done anything about it. Stop using excuses it doesn't fly anymore.

Mom

>>>>>====--
the answer i would like to give is this.::

HI Mom, I just got done watching Rambo II, great movie. I think it is so right what happens. he is walking through a jungle to the war and he is asked.
' why do you do this fighting, you like war?' she says.

He replies. ' I do it because i am expendable.'
that is the way this town feels about me, and most that hit me with triggers
to hit my weak spots on my being.

people do not feel i am worth saving. frankly, i don;t care, it is better for me
to dissolve, better for everyone. What i am good at, God does for me and God gave me, i will not be allowed to use my abilities.
I am ... expendable as far as anyone i know is concerned.

i have stopped caring if i make it, too many people are trying to make me
a toilet bowl washer or dung shoveler, perhaps I don't need to try because i will never be doing what i feel God called to do, and should JUST give up.

I am waste of real estate. i get that. i feel no shame for that, i know i have done my level best. I just am not suited to life or living.

[====]]
please let me know what you think i need to communicate. thanks

Sandy
Randy

I'm sorry you seem to be feeling so much pain. I wish I had a better response than this..