[DueReflection]

Not sure how uncommon it is but I personally cannot listen to sad, depressing music – at all, ever. When possible, I try to keep the tempos/lyrical content upbeat (2nd Wave British Ska like English Beat, The Specials, bands of that stripe are my favorite.)

About four years ago my mother-in-law was visiting and my wife wanted for her and us (wife/me/our then- 2+ yr old daughter) to take a trip to Disney. I was in a dark place around that time and did not want to go. My wife appealed to me that this was something I should certainly want to enjoy with our daughter but I still felt ambivalent about it – and requested to be left out of the loop as I wasn’t working at the time and thought I could spare her/us the expense (plus I saw it as a 3 day respite for me.) However, my wife, exhibiting the stubborn character I have grown to be familiar with and mostly accept, went against my wishes and purchased a plane ticket for me.

I wasn’t very pleased about this development but I don’t recall being too bent out of shape about it. The first night, I am supposed to meet all of them for dinner but I got lost and ended up wandering out near the freeway… when I called to tell them I was lost, my wife laughed at me, which, didn’t make me feel too great; I never made it out to dinner. After not getting ready fast enough the following morning, they once again went out to eat without me. I did a Frankie Munoz and practically trashed the place but fortunately caught myself however not til after I had thrown a chair at the door and screamed my head off, which, they could undoubtedly hear as they made their way to the elevator. I swear I am getting to my point here soon.

By the third day, I was miserable and could not wait to go back home. I had wandered off to grab an overpriced beer at one of the concessions and no sooner did I begin drinking it then the Rolling Stones ‘you can’t always get what you want’ came over the speakers. For some reason, as classic as this song is, it made me feel awful – and it was far beyond me just having a ****** vacation at Disney that I didn’t want to be part of to begin with. So I got up and relocated to another concession but that thoroughfare has speakers placed every 20 ft or so, so basically no matter where you go in that vicinity, you’re going to hear whatever music is being broadcast. And then I couldn’t get away from the song.

Shortly after our return (within a week?) I was alone in my bedroom, feeling lousy… and smashed my acoustic guitar, a la Blotto Blutarsky, into a thousand pieces. When I went to therapy that week of course I discussed the horrible [for me] trip and couldn’t think for the life of me why that particular song triggered me so badly.

Then I recently figured out what the cause was.

When I was in middle school, I used to do sleepovers at my sister’s place; she is married to a man much older than she who has a son around my age… step-nephew I guess? We used to call each other cousins. At any rate, I began dating a girl in the neighborhood there, it was all innocent enough (spin the bottle, stuff like that). We were all hanging out in the woods when I noticed a boy who I perceived to have interest in my then-girlfriend. He was on some crappy old BMX bike that was rusting away. My cousin and I both started messing with the kid’s bike, broke the crossbar on his handlebars. Of course the kid doesn’t want us ****ing with his bike, and understandably defends it. I beat him up. He sorta fought back but I gave him a bloody nose, black eye, tuned him up, which at the time, I felt good about doing. I could see the girlfriend looking at me with horrendous disappointment, telling me to stop.

After I stopped hitting him, and the fight stopped, he got on his bike and began to leave; it was then that I noticed he had a bag nearby which he picked up (the type paperboys used to have), and inside the bag was a tiny kitten… he mentioned to my girlfriend that he had brought the kitten to give to her. (the kitten was fine, nothing happened to the kitten.) I think even at the time I was yelling at him to leave, to not talk to my girlfriend, that deep down I felt extra awful about beating him up. And having grown up around cats and dogs, I had/have always a soft spot in my heart.

After that incident, naturally I was forbidden to do any more sleepovers. I recall how pissed my sister was as she drove me back to my house. And as she drove me home, the song on the radio was… you guessed it, ‘you can’t always get what you want.’

I don’t think it’s any reach to think that this song conjured up some horrible guilt and bad memories in me when I heard it at Disney. What makes me hate myself even more is, my brother was bullied pretty much nonstop until he eventually took his own life – yet there I was doing the exact same thing to a person weaker/smaller than me (maybe that’s the cycle of bullying?)

I wish I knew that kid’s name as I am overwhelmed with guilt and regret – I want very badly to tell him how sorry I am. All these years later, and I haven’t forgotten, will probably never forget. I won’t rationalize my behavior by saying things to myself like ‘oh, I only touched him up, didn’t beat him up *that* badly’ or ‘I likely didn’t traumatize him’ because I don’t really know that. I am going to hell as this isn’t even nearly the worst thing I have ever done… just the worst thing that month.

[Dog on a Tree]

Hello there, i'm sorry to hear about your trip to Disney and how it was very uncomfortable for you. It's wrong of your wife to laugh at you when you was lost, etc.

Also it's good that you figured out why that particular song made you feel the way you did. You are a good person, there is no doubt about that. We all make mistakes, even when we are kids. It's great that you want to apologize to this person but truth is, you probably won't see this person again because of how long ago it was. Accept that it was a bad thing to do and that it was a mistake and something you regret but also acknowledge that it is in the past and that it is the here and now that counts. I like said, you are a good person.

[live_freely318]

Hey there
I'm sorry to hear about the vacation. I've had a similar experience and it is not fun. Your wife shouldn't have pressured you into going on that vacation or laugh at you.

I'm sure you're a great person and aren't going to hell because of these things. If there is a god and heaven and hell I'm almost positive he wouldn't send you to hell. Sometimes you can't control what happens when you're triggered. If god is as understanding and loving as everyone says he won't hold this against you. I've had a similar experience to the one with the boy when you were young, except it was me hitting my mom on a vacation in Florida. I can understand how you feel now. I feel the same way you do now. You just need to forgive yourself for what happened and it will be easier to move on.

You can get through this. Its hard at first but it will get easier. I've found a lot of support on here so just continue to use the site and it gets easier.