[Timgt5]

My Life in 2 Red Cars, then and now.

An Essay by Timgt5

I am writing this as a bit of reflection on my existence over the last nearly 30 years, and being a bit of a “auto-geek” thought that bracketing this chunk of my life between my very first car and my current car (bought about 2 months ago) might be a good way to think about this thing I call my adulthood.

In 1985 I was handed down from my mom a red two door Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. The car had off- white vinyl seats, 3 speed auto on the floor and an AM radio with two front speakers. It’s 5.7 Liter (that’s 350 cubic inches for you old-schoolers) produced a paltry 170 BHP (which would be typical for a 2.4-2.5 liter 4 cylinder today) in its defense it also managed a healthy 275 foot lbs. of Torque at 2000 RPM. From a standstill the car could reach 60 in a leisurely 11 and ½ seconds. On a good day it might have seen 22 MPG in a tailwind on the interstate going downhill. As for creature comforts, well the air conditioning was the “2-55” system, two windows down, 55 mph on the road LOL. Everything in the car required a manual effort to operate.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikiped...as_Supreme.jpg

That being said I had some rather fond memories in that old heap. It was how I got to high school and work every day. Replacing the pathetic factory radio was also my first “man project” I spent hours looking for and installing a proper AM-FM cassette (for you millennial folks, cassettes were these little square pieces of plastic that stored music on a chemical tape that ran through a reader-I am old, so sue me ) big speakers (which cut the life of the car battery by 40 percent), subwoofers and updated tweeters, over the course of a weekend I had transformed the sound system from something that sounded like a muffled broadcast from the 1940s into a seismic inducing thing that would scare neighborhood children and their parents back into their homes. Sadly it was worth more than the whole rest of the car. Nevertheless I was proud of my monster sound system and I derived smug satisfaction pulling up into my hillbilly backwoods high school parking lot and drowning out their Randy Travis or Hank Williams Jr, with a massive wall of Ozzy Osbourne and Metallica (even then I was a contrarian).

It was in that car that I had new found freedom to experience another aspect of life, dating. It was in that car I had my first kiss, my first clumsy attempting at groping, and where I first fell in love. It was where I carted around my first “posse” o’ friends even if a couple of them were only there because I could drive them around. Over time the vinyl seats tore, the paint faded, the dash panels cracked (GM build quality was not exactly fabulous in 1977) but I kept driving her. In 1987 she met her end at an intersection near my home. It was my fault entirely for being a young man thinking with the wrong part of his anatomy. I was in the car alone, and very fortunately for me, the impact was on the passenger door, otherwise I would not have lived to post this little missive. I escaped with only minor injuries, the couple who hit me fared a lot worse (they both survived though were badly injured) I was not allowed to see them, and I regret to this day that I did not get a chance to at least apologize for causing them pain.

Fast forward to 2015-My current car is a 2016 Soul Red Mazda6 with off-white Vinyl seats. It is roughly the same size as the Cutlass, and weighs about 150 LBs less. Its engine is less than ½ the size, 2.5 liters but puts out 14 more horsepower. It will reach 60 from a standstill about four seconds faster. As for fuel economy, it rates at 38MPG, 16 MPG more than the Cutlass. No need to replace a lousy stereo, it has a Bose Centerpoint with 11 speakers, surround sound, and connectivity for CD (for you millennials out there those are little plastic discs that go into a little slot) MP3s, Pandora, Stitcher (I have no idea what the hell that is LOL), XM radio etc. It will also let me talk on my cell phone without picking up the head set. Climate Control is dual zone AC with rear vents. In terms of styling remember the Cutlass came from the ‘malaise” 1970s era, the Mazda on the other hand has been praised to the high heavens by reviewers everywhere for its shapely looks.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/pictu...ictureid=50763


This contrast made me think about other ways my life has changed. When I owned the Olds, my game system was a Atari 7800 hooked to a 13 inch tube TV. My stereo system played 8 tracks (again for you millennial folks, these were sort of like cassettes but much bulkier and prone to breakdown) My house had just had a central air conditioning unit installed some 21 years after it was built. My dog Mojo (a mutt but a very smart one who had a freakish talent for swimming) loved to come hang out with me after school where I could retreat (before having to do my homework every night) we would go out and play, maybe head over to my grandparents next door, where my granddad (RIP) would give me a candy bar from his little general store and some of his philosophical musings (yep its where I get it from I think). He often recited scat style poetry to me he improvised; frankly I think the man may accidently invented hip-hop and missed the boat.

I would sometimes see some of my grandmother’s foster children. Over the course of 50 years she had fostered over 100 children at various times. At the time I owned the Cutlass she had only a couple still living at home. Of the ones she fostered she actually adopted 2 of them fraternal twins, Ray and Faye. Ray was an honest hardworking fellow, who always looked out for me and was more than willing to give me advice when it was needed. Faye had severe health problems including frequent seizures, a near useless left hand and intellectual development issues. She is however the most kind and gentle soul you could ever hope to meet. After her grandparents and her brother passed away she was taken in by close neighbors (she could not live independently) and is living a happy life to this day. She calls my dad weekly and she always checks to see how I am doing. I hope to get out there and see her someday.

So here I am 30 years later. I live in house 20 percent larger than the one I grew up with, never having had children or animals to share it with makes it feel even more spacious. My Atari has been replaced by multiple generations of play stations the latest being PS4. I have the system rigged to a 32 inch LED TV and backed by a plaster shaking 1500 watt home theater system, (and that’s just in my bedroom). I went from being paid barely above minimum wage to an above average (for this area) paycheck. I carry debt on only the aforementioned car and my house. When I had the Cutlass I had no real assets, I now have multiple funds, two Roth IRAs and multiple money market CDs. On paper then and by every normal objective measure I am living the so-called American Dream. I should be tickled, but quite the opposite though.

Along the way to where I am, I lost some things that were intangible, yet now I realize incredibly important. Honestly I am very alone in this world. I do not have any friends to hang around with anymore. Part of the problem is my AvPD, part is a demanding wife that believes that we should play every role in each other’s lives (I really do not think that is psychologically healthy). The love of yore is gone as well, replaced by guilt and resentment. We are no longer compatible with each other, but fear to end the relationship because neither of us is confident we will ever have anyone else, ever again. So I trundle on, more a co-worker than a husband to her. I would love to liberate her to find someone whose dreams are more suitable to hers than mine, not out of malice but out of kindness. She is a good person at heart and deserves a better life than I can give her.

I know that a lot of folks here probably picture me is a caricature of a “geeky libertarian” with too many disparate interests trying to be too cool for the room, others probably think I am just massive blowhard that just loves to here himself wax on about the issues of the day. Maybe both of those things ring with some truth. I wonder myself where my humanity went and why the hell have I become so untrusting and deeply cynical of the world I see around me. I often think about the issues of the day(probably too much), the pettiness of which they are “discussed”, look at my three year old niece and just tell her that I hope she and her generation can evolve past all this noise.

So now you know, I am not a “bot” not a “bridge creature” I am a real person, who grew up in the backwoods of Orange County, NC., a place that would no longer recognize me if I returned. I struggle with existential issues like many here, though I would not dare to compare my problems with the far worse ones that afflict so many of us on the forum here. Believe me, all of you have my empathy and best wishes. I think you guys are all very special and great folks in your own ways, and it has certainly been a great honor getting to know many of you over the years. I am eternally grateful I joined PC and am welcomed here by so many kind souls.

I am not exactly sure why I wrote this, stream of consciousness I guess. I am sort of lost in a fog, not sure where I should be going or what I should be doing with my life. I have achieved a great level of material comfort, but I realize it does not really matter when you no longer have love in your life. I have this persistent fear that in the end I will die alone and forgotten one day, and that my existence never really counted for anything. That fear follows me like an unshakable shadow, haunting my every waking moment.

It is a fear that imprisons me, yet the keys to the cell are hanging from my neck, all I lack it seems is the will to free myself and be the real me, the one you see here in each of my keystrokes on Pysch Central. Perhaps even If I am alone and forgotten the rest of my life I can at least be at peace with who I really am.

[cc120]

Did you every find out how the people who were injured in the accident recovered?

[Timgt5]

Originally Posted by cc120

Did you every find out how the people who were injured in the accident recovered?

Unfortunately no, I never saw them again afterwards. It is a regret I have to this day.

[AstridLovelight]

That's really touching and well-written, Tim. Thanks for sharing your story. I lived in Orange and Durham counties for most of my adult life and consider it my home--and hope to return someday soon!

I too know what it's like to live in a prison of fear whose door is locked on the inside. But you seem like a really smart and good-hearted person and, while I don't know much, I do know that our lives extend and ripple out beyond us in many, many imperceptible ways. So you will never be forgotten and I hope you'll find the peace and self-acceptance you seek. Do you write many essays like this? You seem to have a real gift for it!

[Timgt5]

Originally Posted by AstridLovelight

That's really touching and well-written, Tim. Thanks for sharing your story. I lived in Orange and Durham counties for most of my adult life and consider it my home--and hope to return someday soon!

I too know what it's like to live in a prison of fear whose door is locked on the inside. But you seem like a really smart and good-hearted person and, while I don't know much, I do know that our lives extend and ripple out beyond us in many, many imperceptible ways. So you will never be forgotten and I hope you'll find the peace and self-acceptance you seek. Do you write many essays like this? You seem to have a real gift for it!

thank you astridlovelight for your very kind thoughts, I appreciate you taking the time to respond, I have over the last several years posted various forms of writing and commentary:

A few below

http://forums.psychcentral.com/thing...gineering.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/thing...economics.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/thing...-owns-you.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/creat...ry-timgt5.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/creat...story-tim.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/creat...-crusader.html

[AstridLovelight]

cool, thanks, I'll check them out!