[Am I Me]

I hope I'm posting this in the right section. It's long, so forgive me.

In 2011, after several years of dealing with depression and anxiety, it came to a peak and I was involuntarily committed by the ER to their psych ward after threatening to attempt suicide. I was against staying at the hospital, and actually took off from the hospital (I managed to make it all the way home in a taxi, but when they threatened to have police come and get me to bring me back, I went back voluntarily.) Initially I and my family were told that I would only remain in-hospital for 24 hours while they got my medications regulated (I hadn't been taking anything to deal with my depression or anxiety at that time.) 24 hours turned to 2 weeks, and it wound up being the most traumatic experience of my life - far worse than the depression and anxiety I was already dealing with.

This specific psychiatric ward was co-ed; there were probably 25 to 30 patients in there at a time, dealing with everything from depression, drug addiction, postpartum depression, to the more severe side of things such as schizophrenia. One guy in there was even a rapist who threatened myself and another female patient. When we told the staff, they did nothing but assure us that they "told him" not to bother us. There was absolutely no sense of security.

The psychiatrist I assigned was young, asian, and probably no older than his mid to late 30s. I was relieved to have someone closer to my age because I thought he'd maybe be more understanding. We would have one-on-one appointments every day throughout the 2 weeks I was there. He was nice at first, but as I got more comfortable with him he started to ask me extremely inappropriate questions. Now, I totally get that asking a patient about their relationships/relationship status is of the norm when dealing with mental health, but he went beyond his expertise as a physician and would ask me things like, "Don't you want to be ravaged in bed by a guy?" I told him I was uncomfortable with the line of questioning and he said, "You better start getting comfortable or I'm going to keep you here through Christmas." He would taunt me, essentially.

Following my discharge, I tried to put the entire ordeal behind me and move on with my life, but there wasn't a single day that went by where I wasn't having some sort of anxiety over it or having flashbacks. Finally, in 2014, I filed a formal complaint against the hospital, and after seeking other outside legal advice I then filed a sexual harassment complaint against my former psychiatrist with the RCMP, which is still being investigated to this day. They have told me that there won't necessarily be charged against him, but that it will remain and open file. I've also since found out that there have been many other complaints lodged against this psychiatrist, and he is even being investigated in relation to the death of a patient who was under his care. Meanwhile, he's STILL allowed to practice while all of this is going on.

I've been to therapy to try and get me through the ordeal and talk about what I experienced, but it hasn't been helpful. I'm starting to wonder if it's ever something I'll truly be "over" or of it's forever a part of me. That being said, I do feel like a much stronger person because of what I went through.

[eskielover]

For years after going through the trauma after catching the home care person abusing my mom who was dying of cancer, I wondered if I would ever get over or even through it. I too filed a report with the police & adult Protective Services & they didn't have enough evidence to charge her with the crime because I protected my mom too well while putting myself in physical & mental danger doing it. I actually dealt with PTSD for years after it happened.

It actually happened in Dec 2004. I was dealing with a bad marriage of 33 years at the time also & in spring 2007 was finally able to leave. Felt like I escaped....but moved 2100 miles away to a place where I knew no one to start life over. It took quite a few years of having outstanding therapy & I kept rehashing everything I went through both with the trauma with my moms situation & the bad marriage. I can honestly say, 9 years after leaving I am finally free in my daily life from all that happened in the first 54 years of my life. That doesn't mean there aren't triggers that bring back memories or things that hit me trying to finalize my divorce....or dreams I have of fighting for my freedom after an extremely stressful day....but my life is basically free from the horrible memories on a continuing daily basis. It does take time & processing what you experienced....not just once, but sometimes many more times until your mind is finally able to let go & file it away as a past experience that only fines its way out of the minds archives when something actually happens to bring the memory to mind on rare occasions. It will ALWAYS be there, but the access won't.