[SoScorpio]

I just keep making stupid mistakes. It feels like one step forward, two steps back. Or like, if one part of my life is doing fine, at least one other part of my life is facing a catastrophe.
It's almost like I can only focus on so many responsibilities at once. I don't mean in the moment, like I can't multi-task. I multi-task pretty well actually. It's hard to explain. It's more like I get consumed with a project or a problem, and of course I still manage to go about my daily business, go to work, feed myself, etc., but somehow I'm blinded to thinking about other things that might be important.

I really messed up this time. I accidentally overdrafted my bank account and got $108 in fees. My boyfriend and I had just worked some overtime and thought we could buy a new TV (the one I got when I was 16 just broke) for Christmas. Now that overtime is pretty much gone, and what's left only makes up for a shorter week we had last month.
How did I manage to get that much in fees, you might ask? I forgot that after we paid rent, my bank account only had $30. Maybe I didn't even know how much was in my account. Usually I check how much I have when I deposit cash before writing out the rent check, and from there deduct rent and know how much I have. I don't remember doing that this time. For some reason I assumed I had money in my account. I haven't had this problem in years, I've had a bank account and debit card since I was like 17 and I'm 25! You'd think I'd know how it works by now. But for a year or so I was checking my account at least weekly, since I got an app on my phone that made it easy. But my new Windows phone doesn't have an app for my bank, so I haven't been checking as much. But it's been a long time since I didn't have money left after rent, and had to use only cash.
None of those excuses are really good enough though, for me or my boyfriend. I really don't know how I did this. He says I just need to be more careful, pay more attention. I ask him how I'm supposed to pay more attention to a thought I never had. Not once did I think "hey I should check my bank account", and then just forget to do it. Not once when I was swiping my card did I wonder how much money I had left. It was like I forgot that money doesn't come from nowhere. I don't know how I could have forgotten. I just don't get it. I'm furious with myself, but I've been depressed lately, so any self-anger quickly dissolves into depression.
My boyfriend wasn't that mean about it. I could tell he had to hold back, he must have known how bad I would feel already. When he left the shop to go work at another store he told me to feel better. That's about the best acknowledgement of my pain I can ever hope for from him, it did make me feel better that at least he knows how bad I feel about it.

But I just don't understand why this happens to me. I'll forget about things I should be keeping track of, because I'm worrying about other things. Like this time, I've been focusing on ridding our apartment of cockroaches, and not having a nervous breakdown at work, and deciding which doctor appointments I should try to tackle this month. How come most adults can do all that and not forget anything?
My boyfriend keeps saying it's because I smoke too much pot. But what I keep trying to tell him is that I've always been this way. I'd get in trouble as a kid for not cleaning my room when my parents asked me to, and unlike most kids it usually wasn't because I decided not to do it, or was lazy. I just plain forgot. Which of course my parents didn't believe, and why should they have? Someone asks me to do something, I say "okay", and then sometimes, it just completely falls out of my mind like it never happened, until the moment it's too late. I've always had this kind of problem, and I often get that "am I forgetting something?" feeling. But I can only focus on the immediate. When I'm leaving work for the night and get that feeling, I run down the checklist in my head: did I lock the doors, did I count out the drawer, did I put everything where the night driver can find it, etc. How do I do that with my wider life?
Specifically, how do I remember something I can't remember? This has never made sense to me. Every time I have a problem like this, someone always says, "You just didn't care enough." or "You weren't paying attention." or "You just have to think before you act."
And I think, "Oh, gee, you mean all I had to do was think? I get it now! Next time I forget to think, I'll try to remember to think!"
Am I just being stupid? How does that make sense to anyone??

Another example, from work: I work at a dry cleaners, and if a customer says we've ruined a garment of theirs and wants to be paid, they need to bring the garments back to us. If we do reimburse them, we're basically buying the ruined clothes from them, they don't get to keep them. With my social anxiety, having this conversation with a customer is pretty much the worst thing that happens at my job. I often freeze up, can't remember what I'm supposed to say in this situation, get tangled between trying to be polite and professional, and still do what my boss would want me to. Sometimes my mind just goes completely blank, I stare at my computer screen to stall for time, and then just do whatever I can to get the customer out of the shop as soon as possible. I go on autopilot, fight-or-flight mode. So when a customer came in the other day saying we shrunk her wool pants, I was pretty proud of myself at how I handled it. I remembered to tell her that it was most likely a manufacturer defect, because of course we dry clean anything wool, and in fact only usually launder men's button-down shirts. The system of categorizing dirty clothes into color-coded bags based on their cleaning method or starch level means that there's virtually no chance we accidentally laundered her pants. I explained this politely, sympathized with her predicament of having spent $300 a piece on some nice pants for work, her only nice pants, and now being unable to wear them. I told her I would have to contact the cleaning plant in the morning, since we were already past their hours of operation. I took down all the relevant information I sometimes forget, like brand, price, description, etc. But I forgot to tell her to bring the pants in or we wouldn't be able to do anything. Again, it never entered my mind. I was so focused on navigating this difficult situation, on modulating my tone of voice and facial expressions, to me it feels like walking through a minefield. And again I forgot something crucial.

This kind of thing is why I don't understand when people say I'm smart. I've never met anyone else who has these problems who doesn't have some kind of developmental disability. Except my roommate, who has schizophrenia, so she has an excuse.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I was smart and interesting. I believed them as long as I could. As soon as I hit adolescence though, and started having problems, I completely lost that pride in myself. I'm not sure if it was all at once or over time, I don't know exactly when it happened, but at some point when someone told me I was smart, my mind disagreed violently. Every time. I can't hear those words and not think, "Oh if you only knew." I think people assume I'm intelligent because I can write and speak intelligently, and read well. I'm great at critical reading, but somehow, not at using critical thinking on anything other than something written. It's all mimicry, really. I know a lot of words because I read a lot. But I read fiction mostly. Maybe I learn some little philosophical lessons from them, and plenty of words, but they don't teach common sense. As a kid I was good at speaking like an adult because my parents encouraged me to, and because, having been told I was smart and precocious, I wanted people to continue to think that. I never wanted to disappoint an adult, and I've always been hyper-aware of how a person's mannerisms and speech are what people base snap judgments on.
But I don't feel smart anymore. I haven't in years, and when someone says I am I just shake my head, I don't even know what to say anymore. I don't know why I have this problem, and I don't know how I can make thoughts appear in my head without thinking of them in the first place.

I just feel like there must be something really wrong with my brain. And at the same time, I'm honestly afraid that there isn't -- that I really am just a sloppy, careless, ineffective person, with nothing to blame it on.

[SoScorpio]

Today has been almost as bad.
I accidentally got on the wrong bus this morning. I've taken the same bus almost every day for more than a year. But I was standing at the gate in the station, a bus came from the opposite direction most of them do, just like usual. I looked at it from a distance and it looked like it said 43, my bus. It was the right time for the bus. It pulled up and I was looking down to get my money, and I didn't look up in time to see that I was getting on the wrong one. Then I couldn't decide what to do once I realized we were going the wrong way. My boyfriend had my phone because he doesn't know his route to work as well. I was too afraid to ask anyone to borrow a phone, but I couldn't tell him that. I knew he wouldn't understand my choice to stay on the bus for a while either, but I just thought it would intersect with something useful, that would get me to work more quickly than backtracking. I had no clue where I was but I kept hoping I'd see an intersection or another bus I knew. Finally I just got off and went across the street to catch it back in the other direction. It didn't come for an hour. I ended up getting off it a mile from my transfer station and walking there so I didn't have to go all the way home and start over.
My boyfriend is more mad than my boss. He says they'll fire me if I keep doing this. (I've never done this before but a couple of times I've missed my bus. Not too recently. The last time I was late we were driving my mom's car and traffic was just horrendous.) He says I was careless in not checking the bus sign before getting on it. He does every time, he says. But he goes a lot of different places. I've been doing this for a year, I didn't expect anything to be different. Of course that's not an excuse.
There are no excuses. I feel like I'm losing my mind. My boyfriend pointed out that at this point I'm screwing up worse than our schizophrenic roommate, at which point I hung up on him because I don't know what I would do if I had to keep having that conversation. I know it's rude, and I know he thinks it's just because I was mad at what he said. I wasn't mad, he's right, and I had already had that thought, and hearing him say it was like a knife through my heart. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Just now at work I did something I've never done, too. A customer pulled up and I recognized him as he got out of the car, so I ran the racks around to where his stuff is. That I do when I recognize a customer. But I also always tear the invoices off the orders before I walk them up front, because when I started I used to forget to take them. And for some reason today, I started tearing off invoices from other people's orders that were next to his, thinking they were his too! I didn't even notice until the second one.
I feel like my brain is full of holes.
What's happening to me?

[SoScorpio]

Possible trigger:

I feel like I should punish myself. I don't really know how, I just feel like I want to do something that my boyfriend will see and know the pain I'm in. But the other half of me wants to go home after work and drink and smoke until I pass out so I don't have to face him at all.
But whenever I think like this, I don't feel the same by the time I get home. And it bothers me for some reason. I feel like I should still look broken, because I am. I wish I didn't have feelings like hunger or boredom, I feel like nothing should distract me from feeling bad about what I did.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Love, you are not an f-up.

I related t everything you said, even taking the wrong stinkin' bus. I'm 26, just a year older than you. Sometimes i wonder why i cant have a smooth journey through this life, but i remember that life is truly not easy, and if im not struggling, someone else is.

Think, whenit rains it pours. Dont hurt yourself, youre handling this life splendidly

[estrella]

We all make mistakes. We're not perfect by any means. You have to keep trying, sweetheart. Settling in to this whole being grown up thing is tough, especially since the majority of us aren't taught what to do. Just find something you love and do what you're able. Accepting mistakes as a learning block and not a road block helps. It's okay. Hugs. Hold tight.

Do you have ADD? Just wondering as this sounds like my life. Main advice is to make lists and stop often and ask yourself what you are doing. As for the bank account, I have done this too many times so I now use a prepaid card. You use it to pay bills it has a money order service you use online. I have a local bank account that I keep a minimal amount of money in only for cashing checks. The more anxious you get about this the worse it will become. Some of us just have to work harder at common sense stuff. I know I am one. It's horribly frustrating. Hugs

[shezbut]

I know that it's hard to see yourself making mistakes. That is something that all must deal with, and none of us enjoy it either. Some of us DO make more mistakes than the average person, but there are a lot of variables when it comes to cause.

A BIG cause is stress though. When we're stressed (physically or emotionally), our brain has to work harder to keep us going. So, if we're sick or depressed, our brain is going to have to work a lot harder not to make mistakes. That is a simple fact. If we add in additional possible causes (you're frequently distracted; stoned; financially distraught; etc.) each of those factors add even more burden to the memory. Mj is well-known for causing some disruption to a person's memory.

Personally, I believe that should be a factor in one's consideration of using mj. Some people have great memories despite their usage of mj (my bf has an excellent memory despite his strong usage)! However, I refuse to use mj because I know that my memory is extremely weak as it is (due to a variety of physical and emotional factors). Mj is just not the right drug for me. Even though it's been approved to treat my physical condition ~ I know that I cannot do it, as it's usage would directly affect my emotional state. See what I mean? It's so complicated!

I hope that I haven't merely confused you. I can understand how frustrated you are with yourself ~ I often fight feelings like that towards myself. And that's what it often takes for me. Fighting those self-kicking thoughts and emotions. I also go to a therapist weekly, as well as take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills (to make the meds more effective). Coming onto PC, also helps me get through day to day. Yes (in case you're wondering), I do try to take life day by day because life changes SO fast. It really does! Appreciating each day, each moment, also helps me build an appreciation of the good things in life as well. Otherwise, it's just so easy for me to overlook those good parts & then I dwell on the negative. Ugh!

Hope that I've made some sense to you, and that you're starting to feel a little better... as you can see others do understand where you're coming from. And we do have sympathy for you. Try to take it a little easier on yourself. You deserve it. Okay?

(((gentle hugs)))

[DechanDawa]

Pot probably needs to go as it could be making your problems worse, and it was something your boyfriend said may be contributing to your forgetfulness.

I would try not smoking pot and then keep track if there is any difference

[SoScorpio]

Thanks everyone. It was such a crappy week. The bank mistake, getting on the wrong bus. On Friday night my boyfriend was working at a store a couple miles from our usual one and said I should bus over to him after work and we could get a few drinks at this bar there. It would make the trip home longer, but he'd be with me, and we'd have a few drinks in us, so I figured why not. But when I got to the transfer station where I was supposed to catch my second bus, it was late. I was on the phone with my boyfriend and after a while he said maybe we should just go home. But I'm really bad with things like that, if I had a plan for something I actually want to do, and I've already put effort into it and gotten halfway, then I am going to finish it come hell or high water, because my feelings of disappointment if I don't are very exaggerated. Then I saw the bus coming, waved at it... and it blew right past me, at which point I started yelling obscenities, which I never do in public (unlike many bus riders). It turned out that wasn't really the bus I was waiting for anyway, just another one of the same route, but another driver who was waiting at the station called dispatch and got them to send me a car. They probably thought I was crazy.
It just sucks because the rest of that night was so good. The bar sells cigars so you're allowed to smoke in there, both me and my boyfriend smoke cigarettes. My boyfriend likes cigars as well, so he bought a cheap one and let me try it. I had three drinks, he had three doubles and was delighted that they didn't cut him off or measure their shots. We talked, had a good time. Talked about my bank mistake, he told me he still loved me and to look at it as a learning experience, and he thinks it upset me enough I won't do it again. It was a good night, I felt like things were almost back to normal... but then the very next morning the bus fiasco happened.

Then yesterday we had an argument, and my mom chose that time to stop by our apartment with a mini Christmas tree and some cookies, and I was so upset I wouldn't even come out of my room to see her because I knew she'd know something was wrong, and try to blame my boyfriend. I heard that my sister was there too and felt bad that I didn't see her but I just couldn't handle it at that moment. My sister is 8, so maybe she wouldn't have noticed my eyes. But I remember that age, and more likely she'd notice and just not say anything, and come up with her own ideas about what was wrong.
But anyway we were arguing about my issues, and he always says I'm doing it to myself.. which, okay, is kind of true of most of us. But that doesn't mean we mean to, why would we want to be as miserable as we are?? He just always takes this view that I should realize exactly what it is I do that causes me problems, and just stop it. As I've mentioned before, he doesn't have any mental illness, so he doesn't really get that you can't just "stop." But he's always telling me certain things he thinks will solve my problems, and if they don't make sense to me, I admit I sometimes write them off. It usually takes this breaking point for him to explain and make me understand that he understands more than I think. He understands me better than I do, most of the time.
But he's also one of those people that lets annoyance and tension build up without addressing it. Sometimes if he's annoyed he'll just go into our room and close the door. But I always feel like crap when he does that because it seems like he's mad at me. He did it yesterday, that's what started our fight, and I didn't even know what I did. I had been standing behind him while he was sitting at the computer, because we were watching South Park. It bothers him when I stand in his way, but he wasn't trying to get up anytime soon so I thought it was okay. He went to the bedroom, and I had to decide if I wanted to just let it go and feel ******, or go in there and risk a fight. I went in and asked what I even did, and he said I'd been huffy all morning, stomping around, etc. I had been cleaning actually, but he's of the opinion that no one should clean before 9am. And I probably was a little huffy, because my back really hurt, and I was confronted first thing in the morning by a cockroach in our room, which upset me because our bedroom has been the one place they haven't invaded yet. The thing is though, when he goes off by himself, it's his way of self-soothing. If I leave him alone for a while, he'll probably come out, act normal, and not mention it again. But that doesn't help me feel like he's not still mad at me. So I tried to tell him yesterday, as I have before, that he can tell me when I first start to annoy him, tell me calmly that he wants some alone time, before I unknowingly do more and more to annoy him until he snaps. We'll see if he does it. He just seems to think I should know when I'm annoying him. Often I do at least get a sense of it, but can't figure out exactly what it is I'm doing. Sometimes this makes me feel like I should just leave the room first, go be by myself because clearly no one wants to be around me. Sometimes I do that, and it seems to have the same effect on his mood as him leaving the room. But my mood deteriorates quickly, because he doesn't come looking for me. I know that's ridiculous. I just want to be around him when we're both home, even if we're doing different things, I want to be in the same room. We only get one day off together a week. But he doesn't really seem to care. I can tell myself it's because this is also one of his two chances a week to relax and do what he wants to do. But if he leaves a room without saying anything, I always go looking for him after a few minutes. Unless I know for sure he doesn't want me to. And I just feel bad when he doesn't even seem to notice I'm gone. I'll lay on our bed and just stare at the ceiling. And even if he does come in, he doesn't acknowledge that something is wrong, which he must know, because I never just sit staring into space. It just makes me feel worse than ever, but sometimes I feel trapped between being with myself and my bad thoughts, or being around him and making him mad. I almost feel like I'm being selfish if I don't go off by myself. But either option doesn't make me feel good.
Anyway I just needed to get that out...
I told him I'd stop smoking pot in the mornings. I know I shouldn't, and if I'm off work, or when I don't work early in the morning, I don't. It's just that getting up at 5:30 is grueling for me no matter how much sleep I got, and then I have to get on a bus for an hour and a half. I feel so much better if I can get stoned first. Some days I'm sure I could go without it, but don't because I think I'll be bored. But some days, when I wake up in pain and can't stop myself crying on my way out the door, I don't think I can even cope without it. I worry that when I get to work I'll still be on the verge of tears, and won't be able to help customers.
Case in point, this morning I did abstain. I got on the right bus. I didn't do anything on the first bus, when I usually read or play a game. I never have my phone with me in the morning because if my boyfriend isn't working then I have no other way to talk to him throughout the day. I was in a lot of pain this morning, I messed up my back by playing on the computer too much during my downtime at work. I cried on my way out, then felt sick when I was waiting for the bus because I couldn't blow my nose. I just sat there for the first 20 minute bus ride, feeling like a shell. On the second bus I set an alarm on my Nintendo DS and went to sleep. Woke up a few blocks from work, walked in to work. I definitely feel more agitated than I usually do when I get here. Usually I feel like it's a safe haven, at least it's not the bus. It's my little world, where I get to be alone and work at my own pace, and stay all day. But this morning everything is crap. I had to re-tie my left boot five times before I could be satisfied with the way my pant leg felt stuffed in there. I was reading all your responses just as my first customer came in, and I barely had time to wipe a tear away and act normal and cheerful.
I can only hope I feel better as the day goes on, but somehow I doubt that. And when something goes wrong, as it does most days, I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.
My boyfriend is convinced that by not smoking the mornings, I'll get better with work right away, even if I'm mad at him for a while. I told him to remember that, and not blame me if my quality of work actually plummets at first. I just worry I won't have any patience for customers today, and already talking to them is my least favorite part of the job. But I guess being surly with a customer is less likely to get me fired than being late or making a big mistake in invoicing.

One good thing, I suppose, did come of all the mistakes I've made lately. I finally recognized an irrational belief I have. When I do something wrong, I always make excuses, explain the circumstances. That's just how I've always been. But people say I'm making excuses, finding something to blame, refusing to accept responsibility. I've never seen it that way, because that's not why I do it. But it wasn't until I was standing outside in the cold for an hour, waiting for that wrong bus to take me back to the right one, and running through in my head how I could explain this to my boyfriend, that I realized why I do do it: I think that he'll hate me if I don't. Put it this way: I have a really hard time accepting compliments, because I somehow feel like saying "thanks" or acknowledging it without disagreeing, is like saying "I know," which of course is a very rude thing to say when someone gives you a compliment. It's sort of the same thing, in the opposite direction, when it comes to taking responsibility. I feel like if I just say, "I know, you're right," and not defend myself, it will sound like I did it on purpose. I imagine the person saying, "If you know, then why the hell did you do it!" and that I somehow won't be able to explain that I know now, because I made the mistake. I didn't know before. I feel like any mistake, if I can't justify it, could make him leave me. And of course I always have a terror of anyone being mad at me, so I can't help but try to defend myself, tell them something that will make it okay, make them see I didn't mean to do it, that things just happen. I told him this yesterday. I don't know if he understands.
But he does get me... because he finally explained, in a way I understand, why he's so adamant that I smoke less and get on a regular sleep schedule. See, I've always been involved with forums like this one. I think I first joined a support group when I was 12, I'm used to talking to people like me, and I've seen a lot of resources for mental illness. I always believed, partly because of the way the community presents it, and partly because it just felt right to me, that I have to find the root of my problems and address it in order to get better. My boyfriend believes the opposite, that you should start on the periphery, focus on little things you can control, and as you do those, you'll become stronger, and have less detracting from you solving the big problems. Furthermore, he says this should work better for me because I'm the kind of person that needs to see progress, and he thinks if I get in therapy and don't see immediate results, I'll get discouraged and quit. I do know I have that habit, and had already told myself I would have to stick with a program for at least a few months before deciding it wasn't working. But he's right, I do like to see progress. It's why I like the job I have, because at the end of the day, I can see how much work I've done. It's not like retail, where you pick something up off the floor, walk by half an hour later, and it's on the floor again. It's also why I like playing video games I think, especially ones in which you level up or earn currency, because that's progress I can see. It makes me feel good, even if it is make-believe. And he's right. He just didn't put it quite that way to me before, and I thought he was just misunderstanding, thinking that my problems stem from little things like sleep, when really I believe there's something wrong in my brain. I wrote off most of his advice, because I didn't think he understood. But as usual, he understood more than I thought. Even if getting better sleep and not smoking in the morning doesn't cure my depression or anxiety, it should make it easier to handle, and take away any symptoms that were being caused by my bad habits, so I can see what's left that I really have to solve.
I don't know how he can be so clear-headed. How can he look at me and see past all the tangled mess that's in my head, and get to the heart of it, when I've been trying to do that for years and I'm still lost? It's like magic to me. He has this linear thinking that he can apply to almost anything, and come up with the right answer. I wish I could be like him. Maybe some of you understand, but he's so many things to me. Partner, lover, best friend, idol. He's my anchor, the one constant thing in my life. And I need some constancy. That's all I've ever wanted, my whole life. Not riches or fame, just a home. A supportive partner, kids, a house we can live in for decades, so our kids get to stay in the same school system for all their childhoods, unlike mine.
I strive to be like him, but I just don't know how. He has such discipline, and I'm always chasing whatever makes me feel good, or running from what makes me feel bad. /sigh
Anyway sorry for the rant, gotta get to work now.
Thanks for all the support and hugs.

[Fuzzybear]

[10yrsgone]

I can definitely sympathize as well with this. I'm 25 as well and often make mistakes that people go out of their way to criticize me for. While sometimes our mistakes are indeed our own doing, there are other instances where you can't put all the blame on yourself for something that you aren't aware of. Sometimes stuff just happens and we can't be totally omniscient to it. People with MI, myself included, often put a lot of that on us personally when, in some cases, mistakes happen to everyone. In most cases, we can learn from what happens and take steps to ensure it won't become an issue. Sometimes just experiencing certain things once will allow us to prepare for it more effectively in the future, as long as we take steps toward improving it.

I also relate to what you said about being called "smart"...like you, I've had people call me that all my life, almost like it was supposed to bring me some kind of confidence. Through the bullying of school and the stresses of everyday life, I no longer feel "smart". Because "smart" only gets you so far these days...hell, I've known homeless people who are incredibly intelligent! I just don't know what went wrong along the way. People throw all this naivete at you and expect you to think life is simple. And then get surprised when you respond with naivete of your own...parents told me, "if someone unintelligent can go through life, you definitely can, because you're smart"...it just doesn't work that way. Maybe they have better opportunities, maybe they're well-connected, maybe they got lucky or even won the lottery? Who knows. All I know is, no one has given me any advantage. I've had to work from zero and earn everything I have. Often times, that involved crying myself to sleep, and I'm nowhere nearer to that goal than I was yesterday, but at least I'm slowly making my way toward it.

I would agree with the posters who would say to cut down on some of the pot and alcohol use, I am not one to judge but it's fine every once in a while. When it becomes a habit, it will interfere with judgment. Combine that, as someone already said, with stress and mental illness and it can create a really uncomfortable situation. It's good you're taking steps to make your use more casual, but at the same time, you don't have to change your habits that dramatically. Just realize there is a time and place for everything.

I felt I've said this in a lot of posts, but I can't fully put myself in your shoes...I can sympathize and compare and make suggestions but can't truly give the answers. With that being said, I hope everything turns out all right and that the advice of the posts here have helped out in some little way.

The responsibilities and stresses of adult life are enough to make us feel helpless but if we take care of things one at a time, it gradually won't all seem so daunting.

[TerriLynn]

I am going to say your errors and forgetfulness is caused probably by two things, depression can make it almost impossible to concentrate and remember things. And also the pot. You should see if being on an anti depressant makes it easier for you to not self medicate, cause that is what you are doing. I was doing the same with alcohol and have not had the desire to drink nearly so much since I got on the meds.

When I was battling depression the first time, many years ago, I messed up my finances completely! I was a single mom so there was no one there to help me out. I paid my rent twice, but got so behind on my car payment it was repossessed. On my birthday. But hey, I recovered and got my stuff together and it worked out fine. As will yours.

Here is a banking strategy that my husband and I use so that we don't ever have problems with bills bouncing or over spending. We have one checking account that our spending money goes into, and one checking account that our bills come out of, we transfer whatever money we need into the bill pay account and whats left is our spending money. Maybe something like that could help.

[SoScorpio]

Originally Posted by 10yrsgone

I also relate to what you said about being called "smart"...like you, I've had people call me that all my life, almost like it was supposed to bring me some kind of confidence. Through the bullying of school and the stresses of everyday life, I no longer feel "smart". Because "smart" only gets you so far these days...hell, I've known homeless people who are incredibly intelligent! I just don't know what went wrong along the way. People throw all this naivete at you and expect you to think life is simple. And then get surprised when you respond with naivete of your own...parents told me, "if someone unintelligent can go through life, you definitely can, because you're smart"...it just doesn't work that way.

Yes, I totally get that. I always thought I had a great childhood, divorces and moves notwithstanding, I had supportive, loving parents anyway. I always thought the people with self-esteem issues are the ones whose parents weren't involved or didn't tell them nice things. Turns out, the opposite can just as easily be true. I was more sheltered than I realized. My parents treated me as an adult in many ways, they weren't so quick to say "well she's just a kid." But on the other hand, they always told me I was smart, interesting, and lovable. I think the worst mistake they made was to tell me that people will like me for who I am. I know what they meant, that people who don't like you for yourself aren't worth having as friends anyway. But it takes a lot of life experience to learn that. I took them at their word when they told me, and it was a rude shock when I realized that a lot of people just think I'm weird.
Sometimes I think I'm just on this lifelong quest to earn back the approval that I had as a young child. There are a lot of things about childhood I wish I didn't have to leave behind. I also associate having "real" friends with childhood. I haven't had a real friend since high school, and even the last three years of high school I had a lot of people I thought were friends, and realized they really didn't give a damn about me.

But yeah, when people tell us we're "smart", it almost just makes things worse. You think to yourself, "Well if they think I'm smart, then I should be able to handle whatever life throws at me. And if I can't, I can't let them know, because then they'll think I'm stupid."
I think this is the main reason I don't often confide in my mom. In my heart I know she loves me and will always help me out. I'm not actually afraid of abandonment, I just don't want to alter her opinion of me. She was always the one saying I could do better when I came home with Bs on my report card. I resented her for it, but at the same time, I can't help but try to adhere to her standards. She's my mom. But because of this I rarely tell her when something's going on with me.

[SoScorpio]

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

I am going to say your errors and forgetfulness is caused probably by two things, depression can make it almost impossible to concentrate and remember things. And also the pot. You should see if being on an anti depressant makes it easier for you to not self medicate, cause that is what you are doing. I was doing the same with alcohol and have not had the desire to drink nearly so much since I got on the meds.

When I was battling depression the first time, many years ago, I messed up my finances completely! I was a single mom so there was no one there to help me out. I paid my rent twice, but got so behind on my car payment it was repossessed. On my birthday. But hey, I recovered and got my stuff together and it worked out fine. As will yours.

Here is a banking strategy that my husband and I use so that we don't ever have problems with bills bouncing or over spending. We have one checking account that our spending money goes into, and one checking account that our bills come out of, we transfer whatever money we need into the bill pay account and whats left is our spending money. Maybe something like that could help.

I am on Welbutrin. Been almost three months now, about time to re-evaluate I guess.
And yeah that's pretty much what we do with our bank accounts too. For bills anyway, it almost always comes out of my account, but in the past year we've had enough left over that I could still use my card. We don't really split it by budget though. My boyfriend budgets in his head, and he's pretty good at it. He just has to make sure I stick to it.

I know I'm self-medicating, and today was my first day not smoking in the morning. It sucks. I was grumpy all morning, and usually I feel better after I eat lunch, but today I actually felt worse. I feel a headache coming on, and my mind is still a bit foggy.
Of course I'm grateful that this time I'm not just quitting cold-turkey though.. I've done that too, and it's horrible. Withdrawals, feeling like you're stoned when you're not, and not in a good way... Hopefully that won't happen this time.
The thing that makes it difficult to admit is that I'm not always self-medicating. I just like it. If I started drinking alcohol in the morning, I'd really know I had a problem, because I don't really like alcohol. So I could keep telling myself I could stop, I just didn't want to. But it's time... it will just be SO much easier when we have a car again, I never felt the need to smoke before work when I didn't have to get up 2 and a half hours before my shift.

[SoScorpio]

I just can't catch a break. I made it through a busy, 10.5 hour shift, no weed, no one to talk to but you guys. I even did the thing I didn't want to, wrote out and stapled to orders these stupid gift cards that our customers are supposed to give their friends, and of course are always mad they can't use themselves. I did all I could though I felt like I was about to fall apart all day.
My boyfriend gave me today off, and even made me open my Christmas present early, a new TV, so I could watch TV in bed today because he knows my back is hurting. But every time something good like that happens lately, it evaporates the next day. Sure enough it's not even 9am and he's already pissed at me for something I did yesterday.
A customer brought in these armchair arm covers, made of a special material I've never see and that can't be dry cleaned. So first I called the plant manager and asked if we could clean this specific material. He said he'd need to see them. Since I wasn't sure we were going to clean them, or how much we would charge the customer, because shockingly, arm-covers are not in our system, I sent them to the plant without invoicing them. I sent them in a bag, tied to a hanger, with a note ATTN: Manager. I put notes inside the bag with all the relevant information, and that I need a price if we do clean them.
My boyfriend says we'll never see them again because I didn't invoice them. I'm sorry but though they do **** up, I just can't believe that our plant operators are stupid enough to see a bag addressed to the manager, rip it open, go, "Oh hey, there's paper in here too. Well, that can't be important," and then throw it in a pile and throw out the notes.
And now that he says it, yeah, I can see maybe it wasn't the best idea. But it wasn't laziness that made me do it, as he's now saying. It just made sense to me. And it was a busy day, I had a lot on my mind, and was already feeling overwhelmed.
But it doesn't matter, now he's mad again, I ****ed up again, and it doesn't matter that I did everything else right, or how hard the day was for me.

I feel like I shouldn't be happy when good things happen or he's nice anymore. It just gets taken away anyway and then I feel even worse because I thought things were finally looking up. And today, my only day off until Sunday I'm sure, was supposed to be relaxing, a break from the work stress that's compounding my depression. But nope, all those bad feelings followed me home now, and I can't tell my boyfriend how I feel because again, it's my fault and I have no one to blame, and I have no right to feel bad or complain when he's working and I'm not.
I just want to give up. What's the point? I can't stop making these mistakes, and it keeps getting blamed on laziness, which both pisses me off and hurts me so much that I can't refute it without either shouting or dissolving into tears.

[avlady]

you should stop smoking the pot. i had a bad situation a few times about getting on the wrong bus, it is an easy thing to do.I do hope you get better and maybe see a doc and t.

[tearsinabottle]

I can relate to this too, SoScorpio. It can happen to anyone. I did go on wrong bus once too and have had other incidents similar like you have had.

In these days I write down on paper what I have to do and remember in case I forget it. Its easy to forget when our minds are troubled with stress, depression or anxiety or a mix of them all. Smoking pot makes it worse so it may be a good thing to stop the Mj.

Dont be to hard on yourself.

[SoScorpio]

Originally Posted by tearsinabottle

I can relate to this too, SoScorpio. It can happen to anyone. I did go on wrong bus once too and have had other incidents similar like you have had.

In these days I write down on paper what I have to do and remember in case I forget it. Its easy to forget when our minds are troubled with stress, depression or anxiety or a mix of them all. Smoking pot makes it worse so it may be a good thing to stop the Mj.

Dont be to hard on yourself.

Thanks. That might work except the things I forget are usually things I didn't know in the first place.
It's just ridiculous. I even did what my boyfriend told me to do today, went outside, trekked through a foot of snow to buy fresh fruit at the gas station, because he says it'll help my back pain and mood, and I should get my blood moving in the morning. I did that so at least he can't call me lazy again. Got home, and I can't even open the stupid pack of fruit! I mean ****ing seriously? They're in this ridiculous packaging that you have to tear a strip off of, I've managed it before, can't open it today. So ridiculous.

Anyway I'm not ignoring all your advice. I'm not smoking in the mornings anymore, but I can't quit cold turkey right now. And I don't think I need to either, I don't have these problems when I only smoke once a day after work.
I just have to keep trying I guess.. I just wish that someone other than you guys understood how hard I'm trying, that I'm not being lazy, my brain isn't working right right now, and there's just too much for me to concentrate on to not make mistakes right now. I'm doing what my boyfriend suggested, I'm taking his advice which he says I should have done sooner and will solve all my problems. I told him it's not going to magically work in a day, he even told me the same thing. But still he rags on me for my mistakes. I'm not asking for a full pardon, but he acts like everything else is fine, like I should be 100% on my game at work, because I'm not going through a hard time or anything.

[avlady]

yes, maybe he should be more understanding and now that you're going to try to stop smoking pot he needs to realise you'll probably be anxious for a while. my husband actually smokes pot every day and it is a good thing for him because otherwise he's uptight all day long. i hope you can do it, i know when i tried it it messed my head up and i am still affected from it. i'm schitzophrenic so thats probably why. if you have a pre-existing condition you don't know about could make it worse too. like ADD or other thing going on. good luck

[tearsinabottle]

Originally Posted by SoScorpio

Thanks. That might work except the things I forget are usually things I didn't know in the first place.
It's just ridiculous. I even did what my boyfriend told me to do today, went outside, trekked through a foot of snow to buy fresh fruit at the gas station, because he says it'll help my back pain and mood, and I should get my blood moving in the morning. I did that so at least he can't call me lazy again. Got home, and I can't even open the stupid pack of fruit! I mean ****ing seriously? They're in this ridiculous packaging that you have to tear a strip off of, I've managed it before, can't open it today. So ridiculous.

Anyway I'm not ignoring all your advice. I'm not smoking in the mornings anymore, but I can't quit cold turkey right now. And I don't think I need to either, I don't have these problems when I only smoke once a day after work.
I just have to keep trying I guess.. I just wish that someone other than you guys understood how hard I'm trying, that I'm not being lazy, my brain isn't working right right now, and there's just too much for me to concentrate on to not make mistakes right now. I'm doing what my boyfriend suggested, I'm taking his advice which he says I should have done sooner and will solve all my problems. I told him it's not going to magically work in a day, he even told me the same thing. But still he rags on me for my mistakes. I'm not asking for a full pardon, but he acts like everything else is fine, like I should be 100% on my game at work, because I'm not going through a hard time or anything.

SoScorpio, I do know what you mean when you say you dont even think of the things in the first place. I have eperienced that myself sometimes in the past, so I know what you mean. Its only after someone tells you that you think of it and wonder why you didnt think of that.

I think maybe it can be caused by stress. Maybe stress can make our brain blank out on things somehow, like that thing we should think of never existed. Or it may be other reasons like avlady mentions.

Its good you dont smoke in the mornings and that it doesnt affect you. I know its hard to quit.

[SoScorpio]

Originally Posted by avlady

yes, maybe he should be more understanding and now that you're going to try to stop smoking pot he needs to realise you'll probably be anxious for a while. my husband actually smokes pot every day and it is a good thing for him because otherwise he's uptight all day long. i hope you can do it, i know when i tried it it messed my head up and i am still affected from it. i'm schitzophrenic so thats probably why. if you have a pre-existing condition you don't know about could make it worse too. like ADD or other thing going on. good luck

Yeah, luckily the past few days have been better. I got three days off when I was only supposed to have two, because I had a bad allergic reaction the night before my last shift. My boyfriend is being supportive in his own way, letting me work afternoon shifts instead of mornings so I don't feel so depressed, letting me off because my face was so puffy I might look like an alcoholic instead of allergic.
He broke another of my phones though. This makes three. The problem is that he doesn't have his own phone anymore, and won't get a cheap-o no-contract one like I have for some reason, so if I want to talk to him at all I have to leave my phone at home. So when we argue when I'm at work, he's using my phone. And when he gets mad, he breaks it. He says it's better than punching a hole in the wall in our apartment, which I guess it is. I just think it's a bit hypocritical to tell me I need to be able to stop myself from crying, but he doesn't have to stop himself from smashing my phones. Well, it's pretty much his one vice. That and coming off condescending when he's frustrated.
This time though he said he doesn't want to take my phone anymore. I'm not sure what I should read into that. Maybe he just thinks I'll be less likely to get on the wrong bus and stuff like that if I have my phone with me. That's best-case-scenario. On the other hand, maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me while I'm at work. Which makes me feel bad, but I get it. And I suppose I should be able to get through it without talking to him. But I miss him. I'm working a 10.5 hour day and I won't get to talk to him until I get home, 14 hours after I left. I took my phone today because I needed to update it and stuff, and want to use the work internet instead of my data. He said the same thing. He wasn't clear if he wants me to keep doing this, or if he's changed his mind and will take my phone next time. The fact that I'm willing to give up my phone for 3 hours of bus a day just to talk to him says something. But I do think I might be more organized if I had it. I'm a list-maker, and having something that will make sounds to remind me to do something is enormously helpful.
But eventually he'll have to get a new phone, because work won't be able to get ahold of him. And at some point they'll realize they have the same phone number for both of us, and neither of us has mentioned it whenever they're trying to get ahold of us. The owner knows we're a couple, but I don't think anyone else does, and as we've already been falsely accused of stealing from the store (it was a break-in and nothing went missing, it would have been the exact opposite if we wanted to take something), I'd rather not give them another reason to think our loyalties might be divided. We were accused by the police though, not them. Jerk cop asked me if I could answer some questions while I was at my other job, I figured I was just a witness, until he started grilling me about some time my boyfriend supposedly covered my shift without telling anyone. I was so mad he did that at my work, with all the owners and managers sitting across the room. And I don't think even the cop knew we were together. We don't need any more prejudice.

Oh well, today isn't going too badly anyway. Surprisingly slow for a Monday, not to mention the last day my customers can drop stuff off and get it back before Christmas, though they probably haven't even considered it and the rest of the week we'll be getting people asking for rush jobs on sparkly red dresses and tablecloths decorated with holly. It does feel weird not to be able to talk to my boyfriend though. I usually at least call him when I go for a smoke break.
Which, I have not had since I started at 8 this morning, so I think I'll go do that before I get lunch.

Things seem to be looking up... all I can do is cross my fingers.

[Daphnelover]

I feel for you. I do the same type of things and I am OCD, so I am already insecure to the point of checking everything anyway. It seems that no matter how careful I try to be, I miss stuff. Recently, I have missed my exit on the way home from work, which should be a simple problem to solve, right? Well, I tried to get off the freeway so I could get back on again, only there was no on ramp going the other way. It's 3am in the middle of nowhere and I just drove around praying that I would find my way to a road I recognized which I finally did after about 1/2 an hour of endless driving. I thought I was going to have to pull over and sleep there, because what do you do when you're in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night and you have no friends or family you can call? Just a couple weeks ago, after a horrible shift at the vet clinic, I'm driving home already crying and praying, and I look down and I have NO gas in my tank. So, I take the next exit and low and behold all the gas stations are closed. I have no one to call and even if I did, my phone's battery is dead and I probably have less than 2 minutes tops. I try to be so careful to control my environment to make it "safe" and these thing still happen.. People tell me I'm smart, too. I think I am smart. I also think I have a mental illness that affects my ability to handle day to day life and work. Hang in there. You are not alone.