[yagr]

I'm going to do something that I never do – I'm going to be completely candid. Well, I should say that I'm going to try very hard and will proof read this before I hit send to insure that it is as open and honest as I can make it.

I was thirteen years old before I ever had anyone that I could call a friend. I was extraordinarily different, socially awkward and inept and processed information differently than my peers. I was a very well behaved child and did excellent in school. One Saturday, a week after my thirteenth birthday, on the prompting of my father, I decided to go to the roller rink on the other side of town. My mother's parting words were, “No one knows you there, don't screw this one up.”

I didn't.

I had a plan. I knew that I was intelligent. I decided that I would study popular kids and learn how to be popular. I categorized the kids I saw and discovered that different kids used different methods by which to fit in. I settled on 'class clown' just without the class. I studied how to use humor as a social lubricant and to mask my ignorance. My motto became, leave no entendre undoubled. I silently came up with one liners to off-handed remarks by teachers, strangers on the bus, people on television, etc. I'd practice delivery in front of a mirror in the privacy of my bedroom trying different facial expressions, pitch and delivery until I was satisfied.

I picked out the coolest group of kids that hung out at the skating rink and got in line early. Every time someone else got in line, I'd let them cut in front of me until the kids I was waiting for showed up. And then I waited for the perfect moment. Someone said something that could be taken a number of ways, and I found the perfect response – it was witty, sufficiently off color and brazen and perfectly cool kid material. I picked a facial expression of 'too cool to really care' mixed with a co-conspiratorial air, turned and delivered. I was immediately accepted.

They weren't real friends. They could come to me and be real but I was never real with them. But these kids would do anything for me – anything. Throughout my school years I was bullied unmercifully. Soon after meeting and being befriended by these kids, I got into a scrape at school where I was about to get my butt kicked by the jocks after school on Wednesday – all of them. I called one of the kids and asked for some help on Monday. Over two hundred kids showed up and the twenty-five jocks...well, eight didn't make it to school the next day. Fortunately, no one died.

And it's been like this ever since, though my social skills continued to develop throughout my life (I am fifty now). I learned mirroring and became an expert on body language. For those old enough to remember, I took a job as one of Miss Cleo's psychics to study verbal cues people give. The company employed six thousand “psychics” who were rated each week according to average call times. I worked there four weeks and was rated first, fourth, second and first. I've written a book on body language. I've given hundreds of paid talks on reading people including presentations to the FBI and, ironically, the American Psychiatric Association.

Today, I can fit in anywhere with anyone. I always know the right thing to say to the right person at the right time. I've been invited to the White House and a crack house. I've been called 'friend' by some of the biggest names in television, sports, music – and by the homeless. And yet, the only friend that I have ever truly had – or wanted, is my wife. Everyone else is simply too much like work.

So, I do get anxiety when I am in social situations – probably like someone in a dead end job gets anxiety when they realize they have to leave for work in a few minutes. Anxiety mixed with dread and loathing along with a deep desire that I have a root canal scheduled in fifteen minutes.

I don't have social anxiety disorder but social situations make me anxious. Anyone have a name for this?

[marmaduke]

Maybe you don't enjoy the social situations because they are work rather than pleasure.

I admire the way you have taught yourself to adapt. Very clever.

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[gayleggg]

I agree with Marmaduke. I think social situations have just become to much effort and you have grown tired of having to preform all the time.

I, too, admire how you have been able to teach yourself such skills.

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[avlady]

probably just stage freight!!

[PumpkinPieHead]

No name to suggest for ya, but i will tell you that i read recently that those with social anxietyhave no worse social skills than those who don't.