I don't care for Tapatalk, really. I don't know how to begin a new thread and I don't know why it urges me to view threads that I have never participated in. It tossed me one of the latter a few moments ago and I answered it, in one manner. The question was a simple "finish the sentence" type with the sentence to begin with “I wonder...” My short response is quoted in the following paragraph:

“I wonder if I actually have no mental illness at all. That I am, in some way, really connected to my father, etc., and that they are only trying to help me to help myself understand that it's time for me to move on from one state to another?”

And I think that I should take some time, before my therapist appointment on Monday, to explore other possibilities rather than any sort of illness. I will continue to use the “I wonder” opening when possible.

Looking at my reply... what if I have no mental illnesses at all? The time that I feel safe and loved may not be hallucinations at all. I've not mentioned until now that the female parent during these periods is usually my birth mother and not my stepmother. I don't know that because of any sensory memory, only by awareness.

I have little memory of my birth mother. I was talking to my oldest cousin last week, fifteen years older than me, and he knew my mother well. He said that I should watch a few, select, Natalie Wood films to get a feeling of what my mother looked like and the grace and style with which she presented herself. I will, slowly, get around to watching a few of Wood's films.

So in theses states, I have an awareness of being in an emotionally warm place with my parents (and sometimes a grandparent) and pets and I feel safe and loved, loving and grateful.

I have some very strong supernatural (spiritual, religious, call it what you will) beliefs. I cannot dismiss the possibility that what is called mental illness may not be the result of supernatural explanations or entities. I want to immediately dismiss any idea that I might be suffering at the hands of any sort of demonic or evil essence. I believe that these creations exist, but I don't believe that I am overly influenced by them in any manner.

A bit rattled here as this mystery is slowly unfolding so if you've started reading and find that I'm not making sense, please stay with me to see if you may be able to find any cohesiveness in these theories.

So maybe I'm not crazy – neither depressed, anxious, anti-social, psychotic, etc.? What if I am just an old spirit, an old soul, being urged to slow down and rest? What if what I call "hallucinations" aren't unreal at all but rather manifestations of the even older souls that have loved me letting me know just how very GOOD I could feel again.

This may sound a little like reincarnation – that's not exactly what I mean but I'm working with what is, for me, a very, very limited vocabulary. Previously I believe that I did "suffer" from hallucinations because I heard voices that were derogatory, voices quick to turn a positive trait into a negative, mean and spiteful voices. The voices that I hear now, almost constantly, are not cruel at all. Even at their most simplistic, these are kind voices. Very concerned and loving voices. My mom and dad. The step-grandmother who I loved so much. And even, in the past few days, a college sweetheart who died in an automobile accident in 1979.

I wouldn't want any of these folks on my debate team because they don't try to present any sort of case or attempt to argue any point. They don't need to be any kind of barrister. None of them, including pets, need say a thing. Knowledge of, being aware of, their presence is enough to sell me on the reality that their loving world is the best.

Does that make any sense at all? I keep running into the damned word-wall; I don't like to use the words "their world," for example. It implies an actual existing real place when I mean to imply a feeling or an atmosphere. A “sense.” That's the best word. ----->>> I am in a very small hallway between two rooms. The rooms have different senses. But the time is coming when I must take two steps to be in one room (and with one sense) or to take two steps to be in the other (and into a wholly different sense).

I know which room has the most pleasant and reassuring senses. And I want to stay in this room. If I do, though, it will require far more effort and, as appealing as it is, I will disappoint some people. I'm here for longer and longer portions of my days. I'm having more difficulty in getting out of this room, really. But that doesn't bother me much. I like it here.

The problem that I have is the possibility/probability that this place isn't real. It isn't my largest problem; I believe that I could even continue to stay here knowing definitely that this place isn't real. I'm no longer afraid of distinguishing between reality and unreality. Now that I know that I'm safe in both places, I'm content to find joy in the unreal space.

I don't think that I'm making a good case to live amongst that which is unreal. It feels like the best place to live right now, though, so I'm not going to fight it.

One thing that I must do is to slip back into old habit of asking whether it not these decisions make sense or not. If you don't have any beliefs in the religious/supernatural, then you will answer no. Otherwise, though.... possible, probable, which? Unverifiable opinions? I'm sure that everyone will have a portion of an opinion.

Maybe I'm nuts again?

[Angelique67]

Hi, ciderguy.

I don't have anything close to your good room. But I did have, what I consider to be, messages from my best friend after he died.

I also could swear I had some contact with the souls of two cats at different times.

These experiences were loving and wonderful, but in my case they did stop after a relatively short while. Plus, I wasn't suffering from any psychosis at the times these experiences were happening.

Also, regarding the horrible hallucinations I had and the whole stalker thing, I wondered if he could be an evil spirit. Since meds made him go away, I thankfully no longer think he was supernatural.

Since you are having these good experiences while on meds, it's not easy to discount them as hallucinations. So, I wouldn't be quick to say they aren't real.

[avlady]

it is a good thing that you are positive. i would think if you thought it was something bad you would be in a different place emotionally. i don't think you're nuts, i myself have had several experiences in sleep hallucinations, if there is such a thing, where i saw people and pets and communicated with them. it does get hard for me sometimes to distinguish reality from unreality too. i wish you well.

[here today]

Thanks for posting. It has seemed to me at various points in my life that the “real”, physical world and an “other” world can, maybe always do, exist side-by-side or something. I understand about the “word wall”, and that you are posting only as best you can about your own experience. Mine is undoubtedly different . . . but maybe both are pointing to the same underlying reality/unreality?

One thing I haven’t had a problem with is that I have always gotten jerked back into physical reality when there is a real need – pay the bills before they shut off the electricity, etc. As long as you can do that, so that your physical life and health isn’t in danger, where you go in your “mind space” is your own business, it seems to me. But it’s probably a good thing to mention to your T, like you said. Good luck!