[Jackolanhide]

I'll just type what is going on in my head and why I apparently need help...Comments welcomed and Theories,

So after my whole life being pretty much alone (Under my control and desire) besides "Girlfriends" when I felt I wanted them for something or thinking they were as close to an equal in comparison to what I've encountered among the inadequate cattle; I have never felt anything emotionally other than anger just pure anger and the need to destroy whoever crossed me, even if the offense was laughable to others. I've lost myself in thought many times, calculating and planning schemes to ruin every aspect of their life, just to find out the older I get the worse it becomes and harder to control. I wanted nothing but power and control over everyone, I'm the best at my job and when it comes to anything that even takes an ounce of brainpower, I overcome the struggle and swim against the current of the murky waters, that I call the "Brain dead waves" that my coworkers possess. But as of two weeks ago, My body decided I wasn't going to breathe anymore, spike my BP to 220/110 and not let me talk or even function; Apparently I suffered a massive Panic attack following was at least a dozen anxiety attacks within the weeks. Now I don't feel stressed nor do I feel fear at all, If I'm going to die so be it we all die; Even in the hospital I was bored and wanting to be released, no more than an hour after being rushed there. I can't stand being bored, It drives me to be destructive, only way I feel less burdened by it... After being released, which by the way the Dr gave me one look and basically said no reason to be here and get out but first speak to this psychiatrist to see if you are a danger to yourself or others, I obliged but left shortly after, ignoring the fact the Psychiatrist was on his way. A day or two went by and I began wondering why this had happened, so I went to a followup appointment to be able to resume my work and she instead put me on medicine and said I needed to go to a psychiatrist, as a definite need being bashed into my skull apparently. I explained to her everything that I experienced and why clearly she couldn't be right, but she insisted that it was for sure a panic attack and maybe even a mental breakdown on top of it. Loving the answers that this woman possessed I was intrigued on how she continued to work with such a vague knowledge of...well anything, it unfortunately had seemed. So now awaiting a call to set an appointment up and be poked and mentally gouged as if that will work on me, but nonetheless I must go...

Consider this: I hate people and have no desire to care or help anyone, So what they say or think of me doesn't bother me.

My job: I do a wonderful dance for the Puppeteers I work for and the eat it up like candy, I have no problems and the workers leave me be, No stress

My Girlfriend: Beautiful and nothing but accommodating to me and my needs. No stress

My Family: I haven't much cared for any of them, they come and go as they please in my life and I wave as they pass at each lap around my holiday and casual run-ins times No stress

My mind can be a place of great beauty and grand massacres, with a hint of malice and a splash of I really couldn't care any less than I do at this too long of a second thought, No stress.

So how could a Panic and Anxiety Attack somehow work it's self into my mainframe and accidentally spill water on my board? I've already had every test ran on me physically, I ruled that out beforehand...No physical issues causing a rise...

Normal BP 120/75

Hi.

I believe you have Narcissistic Personality Disorder with a presenting symptom of delusions of grandeur.

I bet you drink a LOT of coffee.

Cut back on coffee and other stimulants and see your psychiatrist.

I wish you the best.

[Quarter life]

Hey Jackolanhide.

As kindness above mentioned...I also see traits of Narcissistic Personality. However Narcissistic Personality doesn't have to be all bad, with counselling and a strong will we can adapt these traits into positives that will enrich our lives. Living in the world means we must live with other humans...compromising and having empathy is a very big part of connecting and getting the most out of our time here on this beautiful planet. I have learned the hard way that no one is an island.

There are many members here who have undoubtedly felt as you do Jackolanhide...this is a great place to reach out, and chat with like minded others.

Be kind to yourself Jackolanhide, and welcome to PC.