<font color="#000088">Every month my family has a get together,like a family party at some location,and usually I've been too sick to go to any,so it's been all good for me. They are very emotionally abusive towards me,and I can't be around most of them. There are only a couple of them that I can talk to that won't spread what I say to the rest of the family,and cause a major problem. But those 2 don't usually go to the family parties,because they are usually on drugs.
Even though I'm still sick,they know I'm not contagious anymore,so I'm starting to run out of excuses when these family things come up. Like they're having one today,and I told my Mom that my fevers have been a lot higher this weekend than usual,which is true,so I will be able to get out of this one.
But I don't know how I'll be doing next month,and I just can't tell them I don't want to be there,or they'll really freak out on me. They give me a hard enough time as it is,just for being too sick all the time. They consider thier abuse towards me as a part of thier entertainment,and they want it back!
That's why I need to keep away from them,until I can afford to get back to California,or anywhere outside of Utah where there is a Beach to help me stay calm,and that I can afford on Disability! I'm just running out of excuses for them. So far I haven't had to lie to get out of any of them. I don't like to lie. That's one of the reasons they have a problem with me,is because I won't lie about our family,like they do all the time!
Any suggestions on what to do,or good excuses,where I'm not actually lying! </font>

[selfy]

tellem that ur car broke down and cant b fixed till the week after.
take care
self

[asylumgardens]

I'm glad you know you shouldn't be going to those.

Maybe say you have some chores to do, make plans in advance with someone else (if you know the date) and then tell your family that you forgot, you couldn't sleep the night before so you don't have energy.. I'm sorry those are bad excuses. I hope you can find one for next month too.

[tranquility]

Hi there,

I have that issue with one of my relatives. I simply say that you don't want me to be there because you will only get upset by what I say. Also, I (you) have the right to see who you want to and when you want to. You are not obligated to anyone but yourself.

Tranquility

<font color="#000088">That would work,but I don't have a car,and my license is expired.Plus my Mom always calls to offer me a ride.
But thanks for the suggestion. In fact she just called like 5 minutes ago,and I told her about my fevers again,even though I already told her on friday that they were getting bad. She called again.So I had to remind her about my fever being too high! She just said,"well,maybe next time then."
It's so annoying,having to tell her more than once,then she calls to check and see if things have changed,I guess?
One thing with my family is,that I have family members that will pick me up,if my brother Dave doesn't,my Mom will always offer to drive me! </font>

[(JD)]

Why not just say the truth (or part of it?) You say others don't go, and you give them the excuse of not going because of drugs or something... but who knows for sure? Why not just say, No, I won't be going to any of the family get togethers for a while? No excuses, no lies. Just like here at PC, if you state it as a personal statement and just put it out there, they will hear it.

They might not like it, as abusive ppl tend to want to control everyone. But no matter what you say (and have said) I bet they talk about you anyway, and don't believe anything you say anyway. Sorry, that's very negative of me to say that, but it could be very true, you know?

Tell them short and sweet, No, I'm not coming. And when they ask why just keep saying, I'm not coming. (It is up to you you know?)

Practice saying this: "No, I won't be able to make it."

If they ask why, you don't owe anyone a specific explanation about why. But if they persist and you want something to say, you can say "I have other plans."

Your "other plans" are... to stay home.

Keep replying with the same words if they persist..

"No, I won't be able to make it." "I have other plans"

[January]

I agree with Sky. Just tell them, "I won't be there." and don't feel you have to give excuses.

Hugs,

Jan

[Wants2Fly]

Hello Justice -- I worked with a therapist to develop ways of setting boundaries with my mother. Even though I am in my 50s and my mother is in her 80s, she has learned to stop saying hurtful things and is now very supportive.

However, when she first hung up on me because she didn't like it when I spoke my truth, I did not know that the situation would have this good outcome. And I know that other people who set boundaries and speak their truth do not have a positive outcome like ours.

Still, it felt good to speak my truth and say, "You are not helping me when you say things like that mother."

Perhaps, Justice, it is time for you to speak your truth, as Sky and others suggest. You do not want to be around these people; you recognize that they hurt you; so does it really matter if they freak out? Maybe then they will leave you alone.

If you are not yet ready to say, "I'm not coming because you constantly ridicule me, and that's not fun for me," then "I can't make it," is a very good alternative that is truthful yet vague.

I hope you find a good way for you with this situation.

<font color="#000088"> My Mom tortures me every month when I need to do my monthly grocery shopping trip,both physically,and emotionally. And a few months ago,I was talking to her on the way home about something that was bothering me,and she reached up and turned up the radio,and then tried to change the subject.
Well I called her on it, and I asked her why whenever I try to talk to her about something that's bothering me,she changes the subject,is it too much to ask for some motherly advice. And she just calmly said,and I quote,"Because I don't really care!"
So I asked if she didn't care than why would she take me on my shopping trips,and she said it was to make it look like she was being a good Mom to others.
She told me one time I wasn't worth wasting her cell phone minutes on,so I said than waste them on your pedophile son,since you obviosly love him so much!I even told her that he makes fun of me,and that the family just calls me crazy at all the family parties,and gives me a hard time.I think she just enjoys it though,and ignores it at the same time.
But those are good suggestions,and I think they are probably the right thing to do.
Thanks you guys for your help! </font>

[sassypants]

Hi ! I really think you have been through so much abuse,
so I would definitely tell them the truth. You are the person
that needs to be comforted and supported and loved unconditionally. I told my family 2 years ago the truth, why I do
not attend any family functions. I usually get very depressed.
Well, I heard my 2 of my family members saying that
depression was all in my head. So, I decided to avoid them
at all costs. They both have apoloigized after they realized
that I would not talk to them. I finally accepted the fact if
people make fun out of me, because I have depression, well, I do not need to accept this kind of behavior, from anyone. I already have been suffering from this illness.
I wish you the very best. Sending you a bunch of HUGS!

<font color="#000088">My Mom thinks that people that are mentally ill are dangerous,not only to themselves,but to others as well.And most of my brothers think that my illnesses are all in my head as well.1 of my brothers thinks that if I want to be better,I can just think my illness gone, and it will be gone.So he thinks I'm choosing to be ill.And another brother thinks I'm faking it just so I can get Disability checks,and live off the taxpayers money,and not have to work for a living. Another one (the Pedophile responsible for it) says I'm making it up for attention,and that it's just a fantasy life of mine. He didn't shut up until I got his confession of molesting me on paper,and saved to disk,and locked up where he can't get to it! And my Mom likes to blame me for my Dad's heart attack,saying that I broke his heart,because he was a Psychologist,and he had to deal with his own daughter being mentally ill,and it made him look bad in his profession.When that's not true. My Dad loved me,and he was proud of me,in everything I did. He didn't ever get mad at me.He was sad when I would hurt myself,that's why I stopped,so I wouldn't keep making my Dad sad.I did everything I could to make him happy,and as comfortable as possible for the last year of his life! My Mom wasn't there for him,it was just me taking care of him! She didn't come around until after his heart attack,when he was in the hospital,and she saw an opportunity of getting put back in his "Will"! She said if he got out of the hospital alive she was going to re-marry him,it was to get back on his "Will".He died before she could! </font>

[sassypants]

Hi ! I read your post, and it really breaks my heart that you
have gone through so much and no one , but your Dad
understood and loved you. I hope this brings some of kind
of happy memories of your Dad. As, for everybody else in
your family, I really think you should avoid them, because
who are they to judge, what you are going through. A lot of
people don't understand , what depression is. Even Tom
Cruise ( he's a jerk in my mind) thinks that depression
doesn't exist. Or any other kind of mental illness.
Remember you do have friends here, so please take care
of yourself. Good luck and I wish the very best for you.

[(JD)]

(((Justice)))) I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I hope you can gain from the strong support of you here to do what is in your own best interest. When people act out like that (as your mom did with the radio etc) that is their problem, not yours. Making and keeping that barrier, that parameter is healthy for us.

I think you would do well to read and post in the "care giver" forum, and you will receive more support about having to contend with those who need but don't want and often push away help.

I hope you continue to remember that no matter what another person says, that if you are doing your best, that's all that matters.

It does hurt when it's family though, that say mean things. Try to rise above it. Just because they say things doesn't make them true. You have the right to not engage in their antics, and that includes family get-togethers.

The less you give them to complain or throw back at you, the better for you. They won't understand because they don't want to? Just keep saying, I won't be able to make it. That's all you need to say.

<font color="#000088">Thanks! My family is definately ruthless,and cruel. They don't except me also because I won't join thier religion. I'm strongly against it,and they always try to push it on me. I told them it'll never happen. Thier really strict Mormons,at least they pretend to be! But they sure are not doing what they preach behind closed doors!That's another thing they don't like about me,I won't become one of them(join thier cult)! </font>

[tranquility]

Hi Justice,

It's pretty clear that you certainly don't owe your family any explanations about attending any event. A simple "No, I'm not going" is good enough. If they ask why - "Because I don't want to".

Hopefully you will be able to break away from them. Kind of reminds me of someone I became very close to during one of my hospitalizations - we actually became roommates after for about a year or so. Her family abused her in cult rituals but at the same time pounded a bible. She cut them out of her life, but I think one of her alters (she was MPD) would call them when she was vulnerable and they would show up.

I guess what I'm saying is that as awful as your family is, I wonder if part of you wishes so hard that it was different that you keep trying to reach out to them. I know I banged my head against a wall doing that with my mom for a long time. You just wish so hard that they were what you picture as ideal that you think you might be able to do the one thing to make it right, when in reality there is no "one thing" that will change everything.

I've been telling my nephew that. He's 27 and moved in with me last night for a couple of months. He had gone back to his dad because he "missed having his dad around". Of course, dad was a raging abusive alcoholic and was never around anyway. Well, his dad has been treating him very badly and I couldn't take it anymore. Last night when he told his dad that he had lost the trust of his mom and aunt when he was a teenager but that we told him he's earned it back - his dad said "they are a bunch of assholes, they are just being nice to you because it's easier than telling you what you really are. You're just a loser, a liar, and a thief and you'll never be anything else".

I found it laughable because his father is so incapable of being a good father. But my nephew is mourning that he can't have the dad he wants - it's true and it's sad.

I wish for you to find some people who can replace your family and be the support that you want, need, and deserve.

Tranquility

[Wants2Fly]

I'd like to add one one more descriptive word to those you have used, Justice, about your family: to ruthless and cruel, I would ask that you add ignorant.

Ignorance is not stupidity. It is lack of education and information. They seem not to have much awareness about mental illness, human relationships, and human communication. Like many people, they are so ignorant that they don't know that they don't no, and isolate themselves within that ignorance.

I think seeing other people's ignorance -- including my family's and my own -- has several benefits for me.

First, it lifts me from the role of victim. I can see their actions not as something they are doing to me, but just as something they are doing.

Second, it allowed me to develop strategies with my T for educating my mother. I could see what was happening as a process between my ignorance about how to communicate and other people's ignorance.

Third, in this process, I helped myself by learning a little bit about how to be more effective about communication.

In sum, by depersonalizing other behaviors as due to ignorance, rather than cruelty towards me, I was better able to get un-stuck.

<font color="#000088">That's totally true. Everytime they are around me,they treat me like I just got out of the State Mental Hospital! When I have been completely stable for 7 years,and haven't been in the State Hospital for 10 or 11 years! But they still treat me like I just stepped out the door. There's nothing I can do to show them that I've changed,or that I'm doing much better. It's like they're either blinded to it,or they just don't want to believe that I'm doing better. Even though they know I haven't been there for years,and they know I haven't harmed myself for years. But it doesn't make a bit of difference to them,I'm still just as bad as if I was still cutting,at least thats how they treat me.
They don't trust me around their kids,cause they think I'm a danger to them for being mentally ill, unless they are there to supervise. They call me crazy all the time,and tell the in-laws at the family parties not to listen to me,because I'm just crazy. And when they're not making fun of me,they're just ignoring me,so it's no wonder I don't want to be there,it's just damaging to me! I worked hard to become stable and stop cutting,and to be treated like I did nothing,and am still the same way,just makes me feel like I should just go back to it,like I did all that for nothing.
I just can't be around them,they will end up undoing what I worked hard to accomplish. </font>