[Altarian]

I'm not an open person in general and i'm writing this mostly to get stuff off my mind. Hell i'm not even sure where to start other then, as the title says, i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm not sure where i first heard that phrase but it's not originally mine. It came from a podcast i use to listen to but don't remember which one anymore because it really doesn't matter anymore.

I'm losing it, in more ways then one. The things i use to do for fun i've pretty much given up on doing. When you have kids who want your attention all the time because their mom is always busy with house work or trying to keep her own sanity and a wife who thinks you don't spend enough time with them you tend to walk away from hobbies, friends, things you use to enjoy as a stress relief. Mostly i got frustrated with every time i sat down to do one of the things i enjoy one of the kids is screaming, or my wife is yelling at one of the kids. so what little relief i had vanishes and is replaced by the stress because the peaceful calm is shattered. Oh my wife does try to give me some "me time" but that would only work if there was no yelling or tears or anything else that triggers the part of me that has to protect and make everyone else's life better.

Now on the very rare occasion that our kids actually fall asleep and my wife lets me be, i do get to read, crochet, or play games but that only last minutes because pain will start shooting up my arms. Even typing this is causing the pain to start. It's just the years of working with my hands without protection like leather gloves and what not that has caused nerve damage. So i guess i can't say i never get "me time." But it is far between times.

Well if you've made it this far through my petty *****ing then i guess it's time to go into what's on my mind. The why i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, which is a phrase used by someone to the podcaster to give a hint they were about to give up. I simply liked it and have used it when i get to the point of saying **** it all. Now before anyone ask's no i'm not suicidal right now. It's been almost 2 months since i contemplated walking into traffic at night since i live along a busy street to the stock yard that doesn't have good light.

I'm sick and tired of getting my hopes up, or waiting for an answer for a job i applied to back in November 2015. I know they are still deciding on the job because it's a government job and they send a letter either way. I also called to check on status of application and was told still deciding.

I'm sick and tired of no matter what i do it never feels like it's good enough for anyone. I work for someone who no matter how good of a job i do it's never good enough. He always have to find something to point out that i did wrong. That's fine i guess. Except that many of the things i'm being told i'm doing the wrong way i've seen the third guy who does the job do them the "wrong" way and nothing is said to him.

I'm sick and tired of people not understanding or just telling me to get over the things in my past that i relive in my mind on a daily basis. They don't understand that i don't know how to stop the fact that things will trigger a memory and i'll basically "zone out of reality" because i'm not in the current. In my mind i'm back in that moment and reliving it. Someone once told me maybe i have Atychiphobia, fear of failure, because of growing up with parents who would never encourage me but had no problem getting pissed when i couldn't do something or didn't do it as well as a classmate, family member, or them.

I'm sick and tired of this damn infection i have that causes me to breath and cough like a damn chain smoker. I'm on antibiotics that are helping a little but i can't get the physical rest i need because there are those in my life who think i need to be doing something every second of every minute and sleep or rest is over rated because they never were allowed to have it when they were sick growing up.

On a positive side i start seeing a behavioral councilor tomorrow to try and get help with my anger, Atychiphobia, and general pissed off at the world feelings. Will be interesting considering it's through a service i'm granted the use of because of part of my families racial make up, but i don't look like i belong to the race. Aka i'm a blond haired, blue eyed person with a biological grandparent who was half Native American. Because i don't look native and can not be recognized as a member because i am not enough to matter in the eyes of the US and Tribal governments.

Like i said i'm just writing to get stuff off my chest and not really looking for help. Will listen to what anyone has to say, even if it's telling me to shut my glow in the dark Wasicun, slang Dakota term for white people where i'm from, *** up and stop my *****ing.

yes, it is all quite exhausting.

Keep us up to date - especially with the therapy (is it CBT?)

[Altarian]

Well i got there and was informed that my appointment has been canceled because the councilor had a family issue. This is the second time but i understand things happen. So we will see what happens next monday. If it happens again i'll look at my options.

Rcat: i've not been able to get much info out of the department on their method. Fairly sure with the Ihs i see a councilor who determines if i am needing a therapist. Then i get put on a waiting list for the tele-therapist that is based out of a different part of country.

Going to start looking at my options now. Or go back to bed... Not sure yet

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--->> I dated a woman for a couple of years who was an alcoholic and I attended AA meeting with her. That's where I first heard "When you're sick and tired of Hhh being sick and tired, then..." I just can't remember what comes after the "then..." If I had to guess, though, it would be '...get to a meeting,' or '...call your sponsor.'