[TheEbonyEwe]

My daughter was recently hospitalized for Bi-Polar depression. People from her community youth group/band are calling other people (who know our phone number) and want to find out where she's at.
My daughter doesn't want them to know and we don't want them to know either because it's a small town full of very ignorant, backwards people who don't understand what she's going through.

I'm not sure how to politely tell them to please mind their own business. I don't want to say "she'll tell you when she gets back" because she might not want to. I suppose I could say it's a private matter and if she wants you to know, she'll tell you. But, that will invoke all sorts of gossiping and conclusion drawing.

I've thought about just saying, "She's not been feeling well, but don't worry, she'll be back Friday or Monday at the latest." Which is the truth.

Suggestions? I'm just waiting for the day I go pick up the mail in town, or go to the store and someone stops me. I have Aspergers and I'm liable to blurt out something unintentionally rude. To me, PRYING is rude. I understand people are curious and want to know where someone has been, but what's a polite way to avert disclosing too much detail with tact?

Thanks

[CANDC]

You have a situation many of us have been in. I have tried telling my family about HIPAA and that has not gone over well. I guess I could have told them nothing she is still resting at home. It would not have mattered. In your case it may not be that easy because they may want to visit no matter how sick she is.

Have you considered asking your daughter to come up with a story that works for her? That would be best to get her to make it up if she feels up to it.

The other thing you could tell them she has a brain disease and they are keeping her in isolation to make sure no infection happens. This is true in that all mental illness is a brain disease. She won't be able to have visitors for approximately 1-2 weeks. You probably don't want her overwhelmed with visitors the first few days back.

In any case clear it with your daughter if you are able to.

[elevatedsoul]

can she be on a little camp trip? maybe a prize she won and was able to go with them for some time, its no ones buisness and they shouldnt be poking nose in there like that...

when i went, i dunno what they told everyone - probably just straight up told them i was in the hospital but thats how my family is...
i woulda told them that i was goin on a trip with someone or group or something though...

I'm one for being honest. No need to tell anyone whe's in the hospital. You could simply say she is having a health issue and wants her privacy respected.

[googley]

TI agree with rcat. Saying that she is ill and needs quiet so isn't taking visitors would be appropriate. If someone continues to ask (which at that point is rude) you could say that it is a private family matter and if she wants to share it when she is able to talk to them she will. If they continue to harass you just walk away.

I would suggest not coming up with a lie. That would require her remembering it. If you say she went on a trip or something people are going to want to hear stories. People don't want to hear stories about being sick.

[unaluna]

how about "minor surgery"? That way she always has an excuse to go back in. Or they are running tests, or doing bloodwork. She has low energy.

[possum220]

I agree with what others have already said. Telling people "She'll tell you when she gets back" is very reasonable.

Hate to say it, but I am going to..... youths groups, social groups, bands can be notorious for being very intrusive. Maybe it's the age or the climate but your privacy is not your own even when you should be entitled to it. They will say and do things because they 'care' and maybe they do. But many will not have had experience in the mental health arena and may end up saying things out of sheer ignorance. Grrr.

For your daughters sake please urge her to be wise in who she talks to. Maybe be not to say much at all. When well meaning people may just turn up at the hospital without her consent. This can be easily fixed by asking the staff not to allow visitors in general and she can give the staff name of family or friends that she would like to see. Even then there may be days when no visitors are too much.

If there is a youth leader maybe they could be asked to get a message to the "youth" to please respect her privacy.

It isn't everybody's business at all. Protect yourself and your daughter. Turn off the phones and listen to what the doctors are saying. Take Care.

[Rose76]

I don't think I have any better suggestions than the several very good ones offered above. I just wanted to say it is a shame that people can be so thoughtless and inconsiderate. Some people offend without meaning to. Some truly are just wanting to stick their nose where it doesn't belong. You might try and discern which group the persons who bother you for info are in. Then you can attempt to gently redirect the well-meaning ones to a different topic of conversation. The others you can be more dismissive of. They don't deserve more than a brusque reply.

[unaluna]

"Do we look like the kardashians?!"

[bipolar angel]

Everyone has given great ideas,I agree with maintaining her privacy-just say she has been sick/needs quiet. People do get very nosy..some is good way /want to help-others very gossipy. And,I do find for me-people hear bipolar/depression-and forget everything else they know about me...they think I turned into an alien! I want to tell them-im still me!just like if they told me they are now diabetic- would still like them /treat them the same but understand they have to just make some dietary changes! As someone posted with HIPAA-HOSP is not to give out any info! She can Def have list of who can/cannot visit. The one time I was in pt ,once out- just told people was so fatigued, overworked, stressed out,I had gotten dehydrated- needed rest and quiet and low stress. -so then people knew no vosits/calls- needed quiet/rest. Where I was inpt,psych facility would never even acknowledge I was there if people called!

[CANDC]

It is not so much as the needs of the patient for rest as to shield the patient from the stigmas that children are conditioned with that makes them idealize a concept of perfection that life keeps undermining with surprises. Well meaning friends do not realize they are unprepared to cope with the mental illness their parents have subtlely told them can never happen to them.

[Perna]

I would just leave it at a polite, "she'll be back X day". I tend to look at both sides and when I join a group or am part of something ongoing, just suddenly not showing up would be unsettling to others whether they care about me or not, especially young adults, it would go beyond just curious or gossip I think; there'd be a hole there in there lives; I would have literally disappeared. I don't think it is so much about the mental illness (that they don't know about) but just the sudden gap that is disturbing to all of us on a basic level? If "it" can happen to someone else, maybe "it" will happen to me.

A general reassurance that she will be back, is not gone for good, should be sufficient. If they get nosy and ask additional questions, change the subject. Weather works well for that :-)

[venusss]

I would suggest not coming up with a lie. That would require her remembering it. If you say she went on a trip or something people are going to want to hear stories. People don't want to hear stories about being sick.

Plus, it will be suspicious if she comes from camping trip and looks sad and pale, instead of happy, tan, rested and full of stories.