Just want to say a couple of things...

Something that I don't say enough on here.

Thanks. Thank you.

I don't like to be trivial and, sometimes, "thank you" can seem forced. But as I've been coming here more often (although maybe not posting much) I get a bit overwhelmed by the kindness and don't know how to respond.

I don't trust my feelings any longer; that's my way of saying that I don't trust the way that I think of things (I can't separate feelings from thinking although, God knows, that's a basic tenet of psychiatric or shamanic thought of late).

And I'm shamed that I can only rarely begin a sentence that starts with any word except "I." I am so self-focused and don't see that in the messages written by others. I don't know if it's because I tend to only come here when in crisis mode (every day of late) or why I am so "I" focused now. I've come here and made belittling statements to others and I don't understand where in the world that anger is coming from. The "old" me, the "me" that existed before my first unhinging, only resorted to hurting others when I had been hurt. Now it feels as if I become angry over the slightest imperfection knowing, full well, that I am a mass of imperfection and that I survive only because of the mercy that a handful of people have for me.

Yet I feel as if I'm just as stupid and unfeeling as the kids who would yell "stupid retard" at the clumsy kid when he didn't catch a pass. I've become the kind of kid that I used to abuse, that I used to shame, in front of everyone. I don't think that I realized that hurting others – humiliating them in public – wasn't going change anyone.

What I feel now, the anger that I feel daily, even if only for a couple of days, is a rage. A rage that I don't understand, that I've never felt, and I don't know what to feel about it. Well, yes, I DO know WHAT to feel about it – self-rage in return – but that's not dealing with the issue.

I swear, it feels sometimes that I am the most miserable misanthrope who's ever walked the planet. That my isolation is not a genuine fear as much as a distaste and distrust for everyone. And the things that I find distasteful are the very things that I used to pass on, with the idea that people really do want to do their best. That the people who come here in hurt and need deserve more than (I, at least) we can give. I can only hurt others by going into this, so I'll stop.

I'm not in the zone right now. Feeling rather... blue.

I want to thank you – all of you – who have been so kind to me during the time that I've been here.

I need for someone, one person, to understand that I don't know why I'm having these thoughts and feelings. I had them nicely bundled and cataloged but I was wrong about both the strength of the bundle and the catalog summaries.

I'm sorry that I've been so damned selfish. It's not narcissism. I don't feel any sort of vanity (I feel the opposite of vanity; I feel shame rather than any kind of pride). Going down a list that I found listing the traits of those who are narcissistic, the only 'fit' that I saw was the inability to maintain relationships. But there was another list and, out of the "7 deadliest sins of narcissism" was listed shamelessness and the inability to process shame rather than guilt (which I don't really understand – I feel ashamed of things that I've done, but also feel guilty) and on another list is "vulnerability to shame rather than guilt." That seems to be a tick in the "yes, I'm a narcissist" column but, again, I don't understand, maybe, the psychiatric differences between shame and guilt. I always feel guilty about something, but shame is something greater – the lists seem different? If shamelessness is one of the ingredients of being a narcissist, and I feel shame over the way I've acted in the past, wouldn't I also feel guilt? I'm getting into the "I don't understand" area here.

Maybe my narcissism is self-evident. Perhaps what I call selflessness is narcissism. I can't seem to understand things any longer. Even flipping through the DSM5, I was looking for "feeling like you're going crazy..." and it was under Borderline Personality Disorder.

I'd better get the DSM5 back upon the high shelf. I read one symptom that I can relate to and, suddenly, I have a new disorder.

I need to come to a finish. I'm sorry that I've been selfish. I'm sorry for insinuating that some people here are stupid – I don't know a thing about most of you. I'm sorry for the anger and rage that I feel sometimes. And I'm sorry that hatred of myself is reflected back onto others for no other reason, I think, than to make me feel better about myself. To find one reason to want to feel good. I'm aware that you can't "fix" your own self-esteem by destroying others. I can't find that I've any reason to like myself much less love myself, so this self-esteem thing is an obstacle that I'm not willing to take on at this time.

As usual, I've overrun the time limit. I don't think that's anything that I can do much about except recognize it these days.

Thank you.

I want you to know that I am sorry that you are in so much pain but I do appreciate your posts. You articulate a feeling or something that I can so identify with.

Hello ciderguy: The Skeezyks suspects that you & he have quite a bit in common. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace somewhere within...