[Irine]

I DON`T WANT TO BECOME A SINGER SONGWRITER.

I DON`T WANT TO RECIEVE COMPLIMENTS FROM TEACHERS IN COLLEGE.

I DON`T WANT TO BECOME A WRITER OR A DANCER OR A PSHYCHOLOGIST.

Why do i feel so happy when i think of it?
that`s what i was telling myself as i went to the store and on my way i thoguht
"i am just another human being on this earth. one of a million. "

i always thought of how i could be more successful....and to have a proof for my tallents...and the proof that i am WORTHY (ho where is it? where is it? pain pain pain. am i worthy? or maybe i am not? the darkes hole.....)

but we are BORN worthy.....the success thing is very relative but what theh heck does it REALLY matter?
what do you call a good life? who is the person who has everything?
YOU CAN`T MAKE LIFE MORE THAN IT ALREADY IS!
not by being successful, not by achieving anything. all those things i wanted made me turn away form the REAL life...from appriciating this moment right now, which fills me with anergy, freedom..gives me a good mood.
there is something fresh and innocent like back then, when i was a child. NO WORRIES. no reason to cry.

i remember it from Soil the song "Let Go":

Did you think you`d be alone
Did your life turn out the way you wanted.."

and we all say sometimes: "life doesn`t go my way". so all we think about is "doesn it go MY way?
what if we change the questions and turn it "upside down":
DO I GO IT`S WAY? do go the way life goes? or i resisnt, fight, addicted to searching/ achieving something that i am sure will make me happy (but it actually won`t) feeling a victom and making it all worse when i pity myself?

i can almost always relate to this song "Open Up" by Kron:

"Open up now let it all go
I`m quite certain say it ain`t so
You`re corrupted by some sick %#@&#!
Ho no
Open up now head in the sky
Pierse the tongue that keeps telling lies
Feeling in my mouth
You breath in but can`t breath out"

every time i come to some understanding...is most of the time that i was "corrupted by some sick %#@&#!".
and now that "sick %#@&#!" is all those thing i want to "become" and ambitions and thing i though would make me happy. they won`t.

being free, simple and normal, not letting all that stress really make my life worse brobably will!

[KathyM]

Beautiful post. As a result, I believe you'll be led to where you need to be. Stay true to yourself, and I suspect you'll end up successful in life.

[seeker1950]

Lady...It took me a very long time to reach the point you have described. That is not to say it isn't important to pursue one's dreams, but I was striving for approval, for praise, and trying to prove my own worth by my accomplishments. Finally reaching the point of not needing or caring for approval, I began creating from who I am, what truly interested me, rather than trying to find approval or accolades. It has been much more satisfying and successful on a personal level.
Love
Patty

[eskielover]

Lady,

I think your feelings are similar to mine......I am finally living my dreams.....but they have come to me....I was open to them when they came, but I didn't make them come true. I have found that what I do is for myself & what I get out of something....not for the acknowledgement I get from it.....I have to admit that it is still nice to have some of the things I do be acknowledged, but I don't do things for the acknowledgement....I do it for me.

I have to admit that my ambition to have a career & my college degree was for me & I needed to feel that I had accomplished things not for how anyone saw me, but for my own personal challenges.....I have always lived my life that way.....maybe it was because I was a selfish only child.......but I was the only one that could make myself happy...& I did things because I enjoyed doing them.....I didn't want things because of what I thought others thought of it.....but mostly for my own self.

I still have wants.....but I find that things come to me & I don't have to push it. When the time is right, then I get the things I want....& my life is turning out even better than I could have ever wanted.....even though it isn't the same path it started out being, the path I have ended up on is much better than what it started out to be. I am accomplishing more different things & am enjoying everything that is being put into my life......without forcing anything....& things are working out that I never could have even imagined even 3 months ago. (as some of my posts have been saying).

It is wonderful when people come to the truths in their lives like this....I know for me, this thinking has been the turning point in my life.....hope the same thing works out for you.
Debbie

[Irine]

it`s cool that people can indentify with this feeling...thanks

Debbie, how are your horses?