[yagr]

Hello peoples. I realize that you can't diagnose me and truly, I'm not asking you to, but I would be grateful for a little insight into where this is coming from.

I had two heart attacks this week. I had one Monday evening and another on Tuesday in the early morning hours. I went to work Tuesday, deciding to go to the hospital after work. I was admitted immediately after tests confirmed the heart attacks. Due to some other serious health issues (rare auto-immune disease) the surgeon and anesthesiologist did not want to perform surgery until they had spoken to my neurologist which took most of Wednesday to come up with a plan on how to approach the surgery so that I would wake up when it was over.

Anyway, I had heart surgery late Wednesday evening and got out Thursday morning. When I came to Thursday afternoon I checked myself out against medical advice...really hate hospitals. That might earn me the 'stupid badge' by itself but here it is 5:45am on Friday morning and I'm getting ready for work. It's about an hour drive to work, a ten hour day and then I meet with my therapist for our regularly scheduled Friday 5pm appointment and then drive home. I should get home about 7:30pm this evening.

I think that most people might suggest work-aholic but I really don't think this is the case. In fact, I just took three and a half years off of work. My doctor told me that I couldn't work three and a half years ago but I just had a social security disability hearing and the judge basically said I was malingering and to get back to work - disability denied. So I've only been back to work recently but already feel the weight of my responsibilities at work rather acutely. Anyway....thoughts?

are you a healthy person?. like, do you smoke?. do you drink?

these things can be factors- and to be honest, it sounds to me that the problem is more physical rather than mental (and their's a forum here for physical health)

just some thoughts. make of them what you will

[bugbear83]

This is just a speculation, but I wonder if that SSD hearing had an impact on you. Basically if someone told me I was "malingering" I would feel bad. Whether it was true or not. And maybe you're reacting to that judge's assumption that you aren't doing enough and you need to "get back to work" by overcompensating.

In my opinion trying to get back to work 24 hours after leaving early from the hospital for something that would normally put someone on their backs for days or weeks? That's telling me you're trying to prove something. Either to that dang judge or yourself.

This is just speculation though! Either way I do hope your health continues to improve and you can stay away from the hospital as much as possible.

[eskielover]

Hmmmm disability denied then you had 2 heart attacks & surgery, IMO, you may not have the disibility that you applied for but it sounds to me like you definitely have a physical disability or you wouldn't have had the problems you ended up having.

Yep leaving AMA rates as "STUPID" & then going to work....not giving your body even a chance to heal after the surgery before putting it through even more physical & mental stress with the work pressures.

Are you wanting to passively kill yourself by not taking care of yourself with all that has happened to you? Like if it doesn't kill you then at least you will have proof of disability through the damage done not following MD's orders?

I'm not saying this is a bad thing (so don't get me wrong). I have had similar feelings when I couldn't get the help I needed.....I ended up going into a "screw you" mode & it was like if they didn't care enough to help me then why should I care either.....will either end up dying from it or disabled to prove my case. For me, anger with the system can come out in many different ways.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Hmmmm disability denied then you had 2 heart attacks & surgery, IMO, you may not have the disibility that you applied for but it sounds to me like you definitely have a physical disability or you wouldn't have had the problems you ended up having.

*nods* I can see this conclusion based on my woefully incomplete first post, but really, this is what my doctor told me would happen if I went back to work. Just can't continue to have no income because living under a bridge isn't going to help my health either.

Originally Posted by eskielover

Yep leaving AMA rates as "STUPID" & then going to work....not giving your body even a chance to heal after the surgery before putting it through even more physical & mental stress with the work pressures.

Are you wanting to passively kill yourself by not taking care of yourself with all that has happened to you? Like if it doesn't kill you then at least you will have proof of disability through the damage done not following MD's orders?

Actually, the behavior was a representative example of my whole life. In 2008 I had a heart attack at work. I decided to finish my shift before I went to the hospital. After my shift, as I was clocking out, my supervisor informed me that a coworker was going to be late and could I stay until he arrived. I had a second heart attack and then agreed. An hour later I was driving myself to the hospital seventy miles away. From surgery I was wheeled into ICU at a little after 8am. I had a lunch date with my wife who thought I was still at work - I was freshly showered, changed and on time for our date. So...this isn't a reaction to the disability decision but really just my makeup.

[guilloche]

Oh wow. First, I'm really sorry to hear that your disability hearing went poorly. I remember all the stress leading up to it, and I'm really sad to hear that it ended so badly. How frustrating and unfair.

Second... I think there could be a lot of reasons why someone would act the way you're acting (prioritizing work over medical care, if I'm understanding correctly). Do *you* have any little nudges about what's going for you?

I will say, I've worked with 2 people that needed heart surgery. One actually had a heart attack, the other was on the verge of having one (he went to the doctor for a check up to start exercising, and the doctor sent him to the hospital in an ambulance!). BOTH of these people were out of work for AT LEAST a MONTH recuperating from surgery (my memory is foggy, it was probably a bit longer). Both of them were told to not lift anything when they got out, and to avoid climbing stairs and doing anything too strenuous. Even once they returned to work, they had restrictions like this.

It sounds like you're soldiering on, without any type of restricted activities?

Some guesses that you might want to think about:

- My first impression is that you're not taking care of yourself. I do it too. I think it might be common, especially if you had neglectful parents (where you could have picked up the message that you're not worth caring for).

- How do you feel about your body? Any feelings of resentment (maybe for having the auto-immune disease?) I think that sometimes hating our bodies can make us not take good care of them, as if they deserve to be hurting/broken.

Similarly, I think that sometimes if we don't like our bodies and tend to live in our heads, we might try to... overpower (for lack of a better word?) or dominate them, show that we're MORE than these stupid meat-bags, by ignoring the physical and powering through. [Edit to add: Or to transcend the physical limitations that are placed on us? If that makes sense?]

Those are the things that first come to mind for me. Basically:
- Did you learn to not take care of your self, your body, and/or your needs at some point? Did you get the message that you weren't important enough to be cared for, and that you had to sacrifice for others?

- And, do you have issues with your body that might make you act out against it, not care for it, or try to prove that you're more than/better than your physical self?

I'm not sure if either will really strike a chord for you though, I suspect there are tons of possibilities here.

Please, do try to take care of yourself though! Heart surgery seems to be universally recognized as a really big deal, and I don't think there's anyone who would begrudge you time to heal. Does your job provide any sort of health leave?

Good luck

[yagr]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Oh wow. First, I'm really sorry to hear that your disability hearing went poorly. I remember all the stress leading up to it, and I'm really sad to hear that it ended so badly. How frustrating and unfair.

Thank you.

Originally Posted by guilloche

Second... I think there could be a lot of reasons why someone would act the way you're acting (prioritizing work over medical care, if I'm understanding correctly). Do *you* have any little nudges about what's going for you?

Yes, although I didn't mention it because I didn't want to influence anyone else's thoughts, but I will share them now. I have dissociative identity disorder (multiple personality disorder). We have two distinct personalities. Anyway, that certainly answers your questions about childhood abuse/neglect. I know you didn't mention abuse specifically but if neglect tells a person that they have low value, then abuse would also do so and in spades. But back to the DID...

I recently discovered that I am not the original host of this body and that my alter is. Suddenly, so much makes sense. Every DID system I am familiar with has at least one protector. Well, I am that guy. I am a genius and member of Mensa. I have degrees in mathematics and physics and speak five languages. I was with Force Recon during my military days and even within my unit of extraordinarily unstoppable men, was considered the most unstoppable force in the Corps.

So yeah, I'm thinking that perhaps the same drive to power through any adversity that kept us alive once, might kill us now.

Originally Posted by guilloche

It sounds like you're soldiering on, without any type of restricted activities?

In my defense, which is all internal and wasn't prompted by your post, the truth of the matter is that I didn't feel any worse, weaker or in more pain on Tuesday when I went to work after the heart attacks - or Friday when I went to work after heart surgery, than I do every other day since I've become disabled. I feel completely and utterly beat up every day. When you are past your limits and operating on heart or guts...it's pretty much all the same. I've been past my limits for three and a half years now.

Originally Posted by guilloche

Please, do try to take care of yourself though! Heart surgery seems to be universally recognized as a really big deal, and I don't think there's anyone who would begrudge you time to heal. Does your job provide any sort of health leave?

Good luck

Well, it was my first, second and third day on the job and so, even if they had health leave (which they don't) I wouldn't qualify after three days on the job - or one if I had acted somewhat reasonably and never gone in past Monday.

[mugwort2]

I kind of think you may be in denial about your physical health .Okay I stated that rather cautiously. Seems to me you getting back to work so soon, may be a way of forgetting about your physical health. I feel sorry you were denied disability. Here where I live in S.E. PA its very common to not get on the first, second and even third time until one finally gets on disability. One denial doesn't necessarily mean its a lost cause. Good luck

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I said it on one thread, and I'm going to say it again: HOW THE LKAHDF ARE YOU ALIVE???

Seriously, your story makes me rage the more it goes on.

But then again, maybe perfect people really can do anything, and the judge's call was out of envy. I could see that.

This might get me banned.

[guilloche]

I really wish that I had some insight for you, Yagr. It sounds like... with your illness, you're in enough pain that the heart attack (and surgery) doesn't even register - your body is on overload, and the pain signal is already turned up to max, so adding more pain isn't noticeable. That sounds like such an awful way to live...

Did your lawyer have any advice when you got turned down for disability? It seems like.. if your doctor says "you'll likely have a heart attack if you try working", and you go to work, and have a heart attack after just a couple of days - that would be a really strong indication that you shouldn't be working at that your doctor was correct.

Is the medical stuff alone not enough for disability? (I remember that you struggled with the psychologist/psychiatrist wanting to give you the MMPI.)

It feels like the system is so broken, honestly, when I hear about experiences like this - I feel completely hopeless. It seems like a bad joke.

I'm sure you've thought about this, but... is the type of work that you're doing contributing to the pain/health issues? Is it possible that you could do something else that would bring in some money/health benefits, but that might not have as much of a negative effect on you? Would working from home be easier on you? (You mentioned speaking 5 languages, I wonder if there's anything online where you could freelance, from home, doing translations, for example?)

One other thing struck me, but I don't know if it's on-point for you. I wonder if you've got another part that was created just to deal with physical pain? That would let you compartmentalize pain really well, push it aside, and still do what needs to be done (it would make sense with a history of abuse, and would be useful in the military work, I'd imagine). Just a thought though, I'm not sure if it applies.

Are you still seeing the therapist? The one who seemed kind and understanding?