Where do I even begin...

It all began somewhere around the middle of the 1st year of high school; I was about 16 years old (that's how old you are, on average, when you go to high school in Poland). I was sitting down in the hallway, when out of nowhere I began to feel really strange. At the time I couldn't really put my finger on what exactly was going on with me, but I knew it was something really bad. Turns out I've never been more right... The symptoms included feeling incredibly funny (in a very bad way): I felt like I was in a dream, even though I knew I actually wasn't, and on top of that, I started to feel some weird eye irritation whenever my eyes got exposed to any stronger, artificial source of light. Later on, some additional symptoms kicked in; namely, my short-time memory has deteriorated massively... I would literally think about something one second, and the next one, fail miserably trying to recall what it was. Aside from that, I started to zone out like never before: I literally couldn't focus my mind on anything that I wasn't at least somewhat interested in. Needless to say, it was the very beginning of the most anxious and depression-filled period of my life, which is still present today. But the most ridiculous thing of all is... I've never really told anyone about it all in a direct way. Every now and then I'd just hint here and there that something bad is going on with me, but nor my family, nor any of the doctors would make much of it, and just give me the good old 'you're fine, I'm sure it's just the whole puberty thing' response.

Ever since, it started to get worse and worse, and the list of current symptoms got quite a bit longer, too. Rather than make the effort to categorize them in any way, I'm just gonna list them all off the top of my head, and try to make them sound as adequate as they actually are. Those include:

* inability to focus eyesight on anything (like, when I'm looking at something, I can obviously see it, but it doesn't quite feel like I'm actually looking at it... it's really hard to explain)

* incredibly strange, dreamlike sensation at all times (I assume it's due to the depersonalization + derealization package that I inevitably have, but it feels way worse than just that...)

* pretty bad short-term memory

* eye floaters (it's been years since the last time I got significantly more of them; nonetheless, I've been checked for glaucoma at the eye doctor's, and supposedly I don't have it)

* cloudy vision (mainly early in the morning when I suddenly get exposed to some strong light; altho occasionally it also happens in the afternoon hours)

* feeling as if my eyes and the area behind my eyes are kinda swollen and numb; also, it kinda feels like my muscles are really tense in that area (it lasts basically all the time)

* relatively frequent mood wings (over the course of one minute I can easily go from unrealistically happy to clinic depression kinda stuff)

* awkward speech (it mainly concerns my 1st language - Polish. I basically struggle big time to put into words what I'd like to say; strange as it may sound, I haven't noticed any problems when speaking English)

* pulling sensation on both sides of my stomach area (had it checked multiple times, and never got diagnosed with anything)

* mild bladder dysfunction (sometimes if I urinate too quickly, and then shortly after that, sneeze, or cough, or make any sudden move, I pee my pants a little; the thing is, it only happens about 0-20 minutes after urinating; after that time, no matter what, not even a drop will get away)

* constant fatigue (very frequently accompanied by general confusion)

* blank mind (it's one of the most severe ones for sure: I essentially don't even feel like I'm capable of thinking about anything without spending at least 2-3 more time on it as an average healthy-on-the-mind person would. Nearly 100% of the time, whenever I get asked a rather complex question in class, I hardly ever find myself capable of answering it on the spot... I literally just go blank and can't think about anything until I somehow force out something hardly related to the topic)

* emotional instability (I can literally start laughing in the middle of an unstoppable flood of tears)

* focus-related problems (I feel like, especially in social contexts, I'm permanently zoned-out and unable to collect my thoughts... they're all over the place)

* instant drunkenenss (I've basically completely given up on alcohol at this point... all it takes is half a bottle of beer, and the dreamlike sensation and confusion go through the roof)

* intrusive thoughts (without a doubt the most annoying and unbearable of them all... forgetting something unpleasant that has very recently happened to me is essentially impossible, and the more I try to distract myself with something to get my mid off of it, the more it intensifies)

* feeling like the place I've very recently been to (for an extended period of time) is literally right next to me. I feel like I'm still there, even though I could be as far as miles away from it; it's especially bothersome when I just came back from somewhere I hate going to)

* depression (duh...)

* suicidal thoughts (not daily, but hourly)


I know it's a real mess, but I really tried to make it sound as accurate as I possibly could... Any sort of advice or clue towards what it could possibly be, would be greatly appreciated... The sad thing is, after some time I've completely given up on seeking any medical help after being constantly told everything's fine with me, and as a result it got to the point every day feels like a Way of The Cross... Lately, I've also noticed that my receding hairline got quite a bit worse (my hair used to be one of the few things I really liked about myself appearance-wise), and seeing it gradually getting worse and worse even further intensifies my anxiety and depression, and deprives me of all the left-over joys of this wretched life...

One day I naively thought I could actually make my dream of going to & living in Korea a reality, but once I realized those symptoms will never go away, and, if anything, could only get worse... I've basically given up on everything at this point, and I'm just waiting for the day I can finely work up the courage to end it all... I just truly hope it happens soon...

If I recall any additional symptoms I forgot, I'll just edit them in at the bottom of this post.

I'm sorry about your struggles. I'm really hoping things will get better for you too.
Have you seeked professional help for all this? Thats what i really suggest you should go and do. Stay strong and im sorry i cant be much of a better help...

I think you should be referred to a neurologist if you haven't already. Many symptoms you've listed sound like migraine, and migraines can really make you feel out of sorts in a variety of ways. I think you should have an MRI done to rule out any physical reasons for these issues and I also feel that seeing a psychiatrist and therapist are in your best interest. If the doctors aren't listening, see another one. I know it's hard.....I've given up myself many times but you really need to get to the bottom of what is happening and you deserve to feel better. (((Hugs)))

Seeing a neurologist is an excellent idea. Besides that, I suggest that you check out Depersonalization Community