[jacquelinekay]

I KNOW THIS IS LONG but if you do read itand have any insight into what I may be dealing with, or have experienced/ known someone who has experienced these things, please tell me about it.
First off, to those who will tell me to see somebody about this--- I have an appointment set with a psychologist but due to crappy insurance and a limited amount of doctors, the soonest appointment I could get is a while from now.
My biggest problem is that I have failed out of school over and over again. I used my chronic illness as an excuse during my sophomore year of high school when I just stopped showing up one day and would basically just do nothing but sleep for months and go see specialists. I was just totally exhausted all the time, and had no motivation whatsoever to get up. I am considered to have a "highly gifted" IQ so the problem has never been an inability to succeed academically, but rather, an outstanding laziness that I can date back to 7th grade. Prior to that I was a perfect student. I don't remember what may have changed things for me other than hormones (puberty I'm sure is the big change that year), but I started to be absent pretty frequently from school just to sleep. I did like school but I have a lot of trouble going to sleep at a reasonable hour and also acheiving restful sleep, so getting up in the mornings has always been a huge problem. Anyways, I now know that I have/ had some type of hormonal imbalance so I now think that may have been showing up around this time. I was found to have elevated testosterone and low estrogen (I'm female). Cysts were also found in my ovaries, but I am very thin and don't have unusual dark hairs so doctors have been on the fence about diagnosing me with PCOS. I also did not get my period until my doctor induced it through birth control during high school. Back to my academic problems, it is nearly impossible for me to make myself do work. I am extremely interested in most academic subjects and once in a blue moon if I am able to muster up any motivation at all the most minimal amount of effort has landed me amazing results on tests, papers, etc. I basically didn't go to school for a year and then ended up getting into college early. I had social anxiety issues at this point, and what I believe must have been some form of depression. Most of the problem was me being absolutely exhausted and unable to motivate myself to do anything. The stress I was causing myself at the time was very high so I was anxious about what I was doing to my life by messing up with school, and I didn't know what could be wrong with me. I did have some sadness but it was rare that I would "feel sad" or want to cry or anything, usually I was at a fairly numb/ moderate baseline. I had a group of friends from school that I would still hang out with so I did have some social contact, but I definitely developed a looot of social anxiety/ made what I have always had much worse from being so isolated. During that time in/out of high school I would try to get myself together and catch up on work and sometimes was determined to fix things, but I always ran out of steam and ended up right back where I started. When I went to college, it was largely due to feeling out of options and honestly, returning to my old school was a very scary and embarassing idea to me considering I'd be behind. I wanted to start over fresh and was very determined to make it work. When I first started and moved in, I had extreme social anxiety and going anywhere alone made me feel like I could have a panic attack. I would hole up in my room and avoid going out most of the time so I didn't have to face things alone. I did have a lot of people try to befriend me at the beginning and for awhile I had a friend group, but I was still so overly nervous about everything that I would never ask them to hang out, people would always have to ask me. I definitely overanalyzed to an insane degree and was constantly terrified of being rejected by those around me. Eventually, I stopped hanging out with my intial friend group (as basically everyone did since they then settled in and found their "real" friends) and would just hide away terrified people would notice I was alone all of the time or not going with a group to dinner. I soon became really close friends with 2 girls and kind of clung on to them for most of the year, trying to branch out and be social but always letting the anxiety get the best of me. This was all so dumb because I later found out that people at my tiny school were pretty intimidated by me, and almost every guy there was hitting on me and trying to hang out pretty consistently. One of the girls I became best friends with later told me that she felt bad because she hated me at the beginning of the year for being 'pretty' and thin. I had friends in high school and was friends with a decent amount of fun, normal people, so I'm not sure where my horrible rejection complex came from. Not everybody notices my social anxiety because I am very good at acting normal and do try to push past it and have a good time. Having a friend I trust with me makes things so much better. My best friend at school definitely became too much of a crutch and we basically hung out 24/7. The first semester I had a lot of trouble staying motivated and missed a lot of classes due to sleeping through them or avoiding them because I didn't finish assignments. Any work I did was extremely last minute but I probably ended up at least half-assing 60-70% of what was assigned. These were all classes I was passionate about, so the motivation and concentration problems were not due to disinterest. Somehow I managed to pull off around a 3.0. I was pretty stressed and depressed at this point because I felt like a failure and I was very unhappy with life in general. I needed to be social to be happy and my anxiety was eating away at me. My grades were poor and I didn't understand why I couldn't just sit and do my work like everybody else, including my very ADHD friends. People would often all sit together and do work, and I would ALWAYS end up just sitting on my computer or zoning out while everyone else slaved away. I know that after almost 2 years of not doing work, my brain was probably way out of shape. By the next semester I had discovered a passion for medicine, and I started it off pretty strong, and thought that if I just used that and pushed myself, I would be able to keep up motivation and do my work. At first I did okay, and even started going to the gym for a few weeks, but surely enough I slowly lost it and literally would not do a single assignment. I was horrified at what I was doing to myself and would occasionally think I could try to fix things but I never ended up following through and ended right back where I started. At the end I did try to see a psychologist at my school, but I was never able to be honest with her about what was going on. I have always downplayed things to an extreme when talking to people. It is extremely difficult for me to allow myself to feel vulnerable like that. I crashed and burned so badly that semester I had to take incompletes after I was unable to get things together by the end of the semester. My professors were very gracious, but of course, once I was home and supposed to finish up the semester's work, I never ended up doing it. Those incomplete grades turned to Fs and I decided not to return to my extremely expensive school the next fall because I thought I needed time to straighten myself out. Every time I have failed it has been under the guise of chronic illness to my family, friends and schools. I look at it as a fair description in some ways, because the way I have been affected by my exhaustion has been exactly as described and the support I have received because of a medical diagnosis has been the only thing saving me from having my academic life completely ruined by my past. I have always wondered if there is something physically wrong with me, but I have been through countless blood tests for things like mono, lyme's, etc. and nothing was ever found except for my old hormone imbalance and very minor scoliosis. Since then I have started two semesters of online college and ended up giving up and not turning in any work and the grades have turned to Fs. I have been avoiding talking to the schools about changing them to medical withdrawals but I need to so I can move on from those grades in the future. I have a lot of career goals that excite and inspire me but getting through school seems like an impossibility right now and I don't know why I am so paralyzed by simple homework. I managed to work full-time for around 3 months this year, with 1 month of crazy over-time hours, before I burned out and had to quit because I couldn't get up to go. I don't understand why I have behaved this way and want a diagnosis so I at least can understand what is going on with me a little better, and seek out solutions. I am not sure if I have ADHD, depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue syndrome, or all of the above. I know I shouldn't have, but I have tried very small doses of my friends ritalin to see if it would help at all, and 20mg SR per day makes me feel physically (not mentally) a bit anxious, my stomach has become a bit unsettled and I almost zone out worse than usual. A higher dose is no better, just more anxiety inducing. I have every single symptom of ADHD but am pretty negatively affected by stimulants in general so far. I have a doctor's appointment soon to get my own prescription so I can give it a try under supervision. Like always, all I want is to get myself together, get a job, apply for/ transfer schools, and get my degree. My social anxiety has improved a bit since that first year of college but it still far from where it should be. I am sick of telling myself I am going to do something about my situation, only to crash after a few days and spend all day and night in bed sleeping or on my computer, zoned out. I have also had problems with derealization/ depersonalization in the past but that has improved a good amount. I haven't told anybody about what is really going on with me so everybody close to me thinks that the only issue is me struggling with chronic illness. I'm 18 years old so I know that my life isn't over yet and I have time, but I really want to start moving forward with things. I think that I could be happy if I was in school again and able to make myself do even 30% of the work my peers do. I know I have a lot more to work on in regards to my social anxiety, but I think I could deal with it as is and be in a fairly good place if my study problems were straightened out.
If anybody has had a similar experience, and understands my ridiculous struggle with laziness, please let me know because I have searched forums for similar stories and haven't been able to find something close enough to relate to. Is this a form of physical depression? I know I can be a very jaded person and I do often feel depressed and hopeless due to the situation I have put myself in, but in general I am not feeling sad, and that confuses me. Thank you if you finished reading this, any input at all is so greatly appreciated. This is the first time I have ever opened up.

[Travelinglady]

Welcome to Psych Central! I am not a professional doctor or therapist, but I think anxiety and depression are likely the causes of your woes. I don't know about any specific diagnoses, though. Could you deep down be worried about failure? You are certainly sabotaging your chances of success. The fact that you wait until the last minute to do assignments suggests you can use that as an excuse if you do poorly. Do you have low self-esteem?

Now that you are 18 you can make your own therapy appointments. You can find out who will allow you to pay what you can afford (a sliding scale). You might also try rewarding yourself when you do what you need to do. Think of something you really like to get (candy?) or places you like to go (to the mall, whatever.) Would your parents help you with such a strategy?

I tried anyway. I hope you can get the help you need and get down to being successful in school and in a career.

Let us know how things are going, so we can be supportive.

[avlady]

your story sounds like mine. in high school and college i got counseling, not which helped.i didn't know what the problem was. after 25 yrs i ended up on a psyc ward and after that got on some good meds which made me stable. i wasn't and still not looking for any high but want to just be stable.

[avlady]

this too shall pass but you have to help yourself and if you can't have someone to rely on.

[passionfruit3]

I to have struggled with school and motivation and feeling like there's something internally wrong with me and not just mentally in the past I had physical now nothing it's a good thing they can't find anything I know you want another way other than its all in your head but your not dying so you still have a chance to fix the things you don't like go for it

[Aardwolf]

Welcome to the forums!
It sounds likely you have a good mixture of depression and anxiety, possibly with a few other things thrown in there. It's good that you have an appointment set up for the future, and also that you've taken the time to analyse what is going on in your head.
Wishing you all the best!

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm 18 too... I can relate... I'm sorry

[rewin]

Once upon a time (a few years back) I was in a similar spot. Before the final exams I literally flamed out (gone to the psych ward). I think I can relate ... and if I may hazard a guess, it could be some illness of the depression theme.
However ... try to get better first, get a regular structure into the day (like a timetable from school). That, in combination with the right meds (which may take half a year or even a year to find) can bring you stability, and then I would dare to recommend to build other things upon it (like school/college/university).

Kindest,
rewin

[amandalouise]

if you are asking for a diagnosis ... sorry thats not what happens here. I think of psych central like getting together with your best friend. we share general information about many mental disorders, we share what our own mental disorders are, what our own treatment providers call our own mental disorders, we make ....suggestions... of things that have helped ourselves that may help others, theres also a forum board for playing games and discussing articles that are in the news. sometimes I click on the thanks and hugs icons to show others that what they posted was something I am interested in, or to show that I care and wish them well.

if you are looking for non professional guessing well I guess what you posted could be any number of normal, mental or physical health problems there are in this world. but to find out for sure you will need to schedule an appointment with your own medical doctor, therapist or psychiatrist. if you dont have one ...I see you are in the USA. the way the health system now works in the USA is you contact your insurance company (its now the nationwide /federal law that all americans must have health insurance), they will tell you who is your medical doctor, and mental health treatment providers covered by your insurance plan.

[*Laurie*]

Welcome to PC.

I'm sorry, but I can't read your post. It is very long and has no paragraph breaks. Very hard on my eyes.

[jacquelinekay]

Originally Posted by avlady

your story sounds like mine. in high school and college i got counseling, not which helped.i didn't know what the problem was. after 25 yrs i ended up on a psyc ward and after that got on some good meds which made me stable. i wasn't and still not looking for any high but want to just be stable.

What ended up being your problem? It seems that depression is the closest condition to what I've described, but when I have traveled or was in 'better/ happier life situations', I felt overall average-happy, but still was abnormally exhausted almost all of the time for no reason.

(Some people replied that I shouldn't look for a diagnosis on here to which my answer is: Of course not, and I have an upcoming appointment with a therapist. However, it is helpful to hear other people's stories, as that information can help people with their own unique experiences. Also, when will people recognize that mental health professionals are not gods who know and fix everything?)

[jacquelinekay]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Welcome to Psych Central! I am not a professional doctor or therapist, but I think anxiety and depression are likely the causes of your woes. I don't know about any specific diagnoses, though. Could you deep down be worried about failure? You are certainly sabotaging your chances of success. The fact that you wait until the last minute to do assignments suggests you can use that as an excuse if you do poorly. Do you have low self-esteem?

Now that you are 18 you can make your own therapy appointments. You can find out who will allow you to pay what you can afford (a sliding scale). You might also try rewarding yourself when you do what you need to do. Think of something you really like to get (candy?) or places you like to go (to the mall, whatever.) Would your parents help you with such a strategy?

I tried anyway. I hope you can get the help you need and get down to being successful in school and in a career.

Let us know how things are going, so we can be supportive.

Thanks! And I think that my fear of failure is probably pretty average. Also, I have never experienced any true failure in academics whenever I have put in even the smallest of efforts, so I am generally pretty confident that doing my work is the key to success.

My family can't help me financially as they are pretty broke, but because of that I have free state health insurance. So upside: I don't pay a penny for most doctors, including psychologists.

I forgot to note: Even though my chronic exhaustion does affect me physically as well as mentally, I find it much easier to make myself do mindless, manual work. Using my brain and challenging myself mentally has been the difficulty, and I barely can concentrate to read anymore. Back in elementary school I would tear through Shakespeare and love it, but now I doubt my ability to get through a few pages without zoning out and wanting to sleep.

[Cyllya]

Your "laziness" issue definitely sounds like initiation impairment, especially in light of your reply to my other topic. Here is something else I recently wrote that has almost everything I know about it, which is unfortunately not much.

I would consider it an ADHD symptom. Mental health professionals will usually mistake it for a depression or anxiety issue. Of course, you could very well have ADHD and depression and anxiety (sounds like that's probably the case based on some other things in your post).

[unaluna]

See a dr. I m just starting to take very low doses of ritalin. Its helping. Other meds have helped me feel much better in the past. I also have very mild epilepsy that i found by taking topamax that stopped it. Life shouldnt feel like youre swimming underwater.