[mllelystigre]

I feel like I've been depressed/anxious for so long that I've lost site of who I really am throughout the years. Others have noticed it as well. I just want to be "me," but how can I when it is so difficult to access that authentic part of myself after establishing so many defense mechanisms as a result of prolonged childhood emotional/psychological abuse? I'm so insecure sometimes. My childhood was not all terrible, but it was bad enough that I have never truly felt loved in my entire life. I'm 26. That's a pretty long time to feel emotionally neglected.

A person (who may feel unfavorably towards me anyway because I've "friend-zoned" him) texted to me today: "I honestly don't think you have an authentic self." This stung so much, and hit a little too close to home because it is what I have always feared: spending my entire life being someone who I'm not because I'm either depressed/anxious and coping with my depression/anxiety/C-PTSD.

I'm already working on this in therapy, but I wanted to reach out to those who are older with more life experience or have recovered to offer me any feedback. How were you able to find your authentic self? Did the bad stuff that you had to go through help better strengthen your "authentic self" in the long-term? Is it possible for a person not to have an authentic self? How can I access her? What does "authentic self" mean to you?

[Septembersrain]

I don't know who I am. I mimic pieces of other peoples personalities that I like. Then I incorporate it into myself to appear normal.

I feel like a chameleon who is not able to find their natural color. I'm stuck with the ever trying attempt to hide myself.

I never fully trust anyone, not even myself. I don't even know if my idea of loving someone is healthy.

Authentic self to me does not exist. I've done soul searching and I'm not even sure exactly when I closed the door and threw away the key.

I had a really bad childhood, bad marriage, lost a child, been in jail, used as a medical guinea pig and I think I'm stuck in defensive mode.

Wish I knew how to help you find yourself but I'm just as lost with my anxiety, depression, and dissociative identity disorder.

[brokenwing22]

I'm 56 years old with bipolar & a few others. Been married & divorce 3 times & have lived with a couple of guys. I raised 2 wonderful girls mostly on my own had to fight 10 years to keep my oldest. He was very abusive. Physical & mentally abusive. A few of my other relationships mostly mentally. Everyone of them I had to leave them & start with next to nothing. I think I was myself more when single. I would mimic people to. I knew something was wrong with me got really good at hiding it even when I didn't know what was wrong. I went to every specialist that they sent me to. I worked long hours to put a roof over our heads & food on table. I was 50 years old when I found out I was bipolar. Then it all made sense. Why I felt so different from other kids in school & all my problems in between. I've lost all my jobs my horses the things that made me who I am. Now on disability trying to live on the little bit of money I get. My rent keeps going up & I'm back to square 1. Makes me tired just thinking back on my life & how the hell I got this far. My kids keep me fighting but now I feel like I'm going to be a burden to them. I'm running out of my savings then what??? So be lucky you know early to get the help you need & not end up like me. Just keep getting the help. Your young sorry so long I'm a little manic haven't had any sleep.

[Patagonia]

Thank you OP for this insightful post. I can totally understand it & I think you should congratulate yourself for thinking so deeply at your age.

AFA what your friend said....well you're only 26 & you have plenty of time to find your authentic self!
I'm 47 & still not there. I can understand what the others r saying about copying or latching on to someone else & using those things to complete ourselves. I do think those things help us get thru certain times of our lives.
Now that I'm older I can see how I latched onto other men especially, & liking what they liked & trying to conform myself to what they wanted. I feared rejection & loneliness. I've done that in my marriage too & now I finally see how damaging that philosophy is...& how difficult it is to change.

I always think about the old movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts. She always bailed before ea wedding. The reporter wanted to know why.
He wento ea fiancé & asked "how does she like her eggs in the morning?" And ea man said it was how he liked his eggs.
This idea has always stuck with me.
How we try to change ourselves & I did, to ride on someone's coat tails....bec for me it was safe.
I like my eggs the way my SO does....bec I never really thought about it.
Now I'd like to change that & that change will be extremely difficult bec my "self" has been ingrained to a set person. Mom, wife, housekeeper.
My true "self" that I see & really wanto get to know is just in its infant stage bec it was never allowed to grow.
You have time. Time to explore & make your own experiences on your own. Find yourself....by yourself.
But I do believe that the only thing constant in our lives is change. So be forgiving & flexible with what you find. What self you find now might be totally different in 10 yrs....& that's something to be celebrated!!!
Change makes us evolve & I think you're on the right track.
Best wishes on your journey.

[Open Eyes]

I feel like I've been depressed/anxious for so long that I've lost site of who I really am throughout the years. Others have noticed it as well. I just want to be "me," but how can I when it is so difficult to access that authentic part of myself after establishing so many defense mechanisms as a result of prolonged childhood emotional/psychological abuse? I'm so insecure sometimes. My childhood was not all terrible, but it was bad enough that I have never truly felt loved in my entire life. I'm 26. That's a pretty long time to feel emotionally neglected.

Unfortunately, the reality for a lot of people/human beings is lack of feeling appreciated and valued as an individual. Unfortunately, parents and other adult authority figures tend to ignore the things that are important in healthy child development that can leave so many with low self esteem and even a life long struggle to gain their own sense of personal value. That is really what this other person was saying to you in how he/she felt you lacked an authentic sense of self.

However, our sense of "self" is something that develops and changes all our lives. What you can take away from that comment however is instead of allowing that to affect your self esteem, it's more of a part of how someone else may notice that about you and take advantage of that. Actually, this is already taking place in that human beings are SO malleable that that alone is incredibly marketable. All human beings are vulnerable. That is because the one thing no human being can ever be is "perfect", yet human beings are genetically designed to be competitive in nature and to strive for that ultimate sense of safety.

Some of the most gifted people are actually on the introverted and shy side did you know that? At age 26, even though a person that age thinks they should be at the level of being self aware to the point of "knowing" exactly who they are and what they want, that is not the age when that summit is reached and a sigh of "I am all grown up actually happens". The reality of being human is that we are "growing up" our entire lives.

[Cyllya]

I don't think about the status or nature of my "self" much. I don't really know what my "self" is, in the sense that people sometimes talk about it on here. (Not sure if that's just because a have a reasonably secure self, like the way financially comfortable people worry less about money.)

But after I had a long depressive episode in the past, even when the episode was over, I had trouble figuring out how to act not-depressed. I had been in "survival mode" so long that I didn't know how to do other modes.

[Fuzzybear]

Great question.. thanks

[yakmom]

Good topic. I don't know if I'll ever be the real me again. 20 yrs married to man who had Pers. d/o, NOS (narcis,paranoid,you name it). I lost the real me somewhere in there. She tried to come out when I was single. I wanted to make my own decisions, to be responsible for no one but myself, be warm (loved), safe (no danger) and dry(no crying). For a while I was. Then I remarried 2003 and am with a loving man, but d/t traumatic events, bi-polar depressed tendencies were set off in him. (depressive). So here I am now dx'd. Major Depression Recurrent, Panic d/o, PTSD (from 1st marriage). Somewhere the real me. The fighter for myself, the person who still wants warm, safe and dry lives down inside me. She will re-emerge at some point. Like a Phoenix rising. I long for that day when I can be the me I am in my head and not wear masks. Thanks for letting me put this down in words.

[mllelystigre]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

Thank you OP for this insightful post. I can totally understand it & I think you should congratulate yourself for thinking so deeply at your age.

AFA what your friend said....well you're only 26 & you have plenty of time to find your authentic self!
I'm 47 & still not there. I can understand what the others r saying about copying or latching on to someone else & using those things to complete ourselves. I do think those things help us get thru certain times of our lives.
Now that I'm older I can see how I latched onto other men especially, & liking what they liked & trying to conform myself to what they wanted. I feared rejection & loneliness. I've done that in my marriage too & now I finally see how damaging that philosophy is...& how difficult it is to change.

I always think about the old movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts. She always bailed before ea wedding. The reporter wanted to know why.
He wento ea fiancé & asked "how does she like her eggs in the morning?" And ea man said it was how he liked his eggs.
This idea has always stuck with me.
How we try to change ourselves & I did, to ride on someone's coat tails....bec for me it was safe.
I like my eggs the way my SO does....bec I never really thought about it.
Now I'd like to change that & that change will be extremely difficult bec my "self" has been ingrained to a set person. Mom, wife, housekeeper.
My true "self" that I see & really wanto get to know is just in its infant stage bec it was never allowed to grow.
You have time. Time to explore & make your own experiences on your own. Find yourself....by yourself.
But I do believe that the only thing constant in our lives is change. So be forgiving & flexible with what you find. What self you find now might be totally different in 10 yrs....& that's something to be celebrated!!!
Change makes us evolve & I think you're on the right track.
Best wishes on your journey.

Hi Patagonia! Your reply makes me very hopeful. You sound very enlightened as a result of your ability to now be able to look inside yourself. I forgot about that scene from Runaway Bride, but can now really relate after some self-realization... It's hard work but I'm sure that the people who love you will want to support you in your journey as well. Thanks again, and take care

[mllelystigre]

Originally Posted by Cyllya

I don't think about the status or nature of my "self" much. I don't really know what my "self" is, in the sense that people sometimes talk about it on here. (Not sure if that's just because a have a reasonably secure self, like the way financially comfortable people worry less about money.)

But after I had a long depressive episode in the past, even when the episode was over, I had trouble figuring out how to act not-depressed. I had been in "survival mode" so long that I didn't know how to do other modes.

Cyllya,
Glad that you were able to find yourself again despite the time following your depression. Thanks for reaching out