This War Inside My Mind

Been depressed for several months straight, long enough for me to quit counting. On this roller coaster of mine, I believe the kart is moving upward on a steep upswing. This wouldn't be the first time this has occurred in this past year, let alone my life. With these facts, my T has discussed the possibility of having classic bipolar disorder. Through attempting to see if this was the proper diagnoses, it has been discovered that I suffer from hallucinations, paranoia and mild delusions. The pdoc put me on olanzapine to rid myself of these symptoms. The hallucinations are still here but have become mild in comparison to how they were beforehand. The brand new diagnoses I have received is DID. Who am I to argue when it explains so much; though I still want to deny it. All of the above distracted my T, pdoc and myself from the subject of bipolar disorder.
I missed a couple doses of olanzapine due to choppy memory and sleep. The results: Happiness (actual happiness), vivid hallucinations non-stop and mild paranoia. Now, I took it last night because I really don't crave having all of the confusion and terrifying experiences of delusion back in my life. After a long backstory, here's my problem: Off of the medication I feel so damn happy, like nothing's holding me down and I can do anything. To top it off, I've had hallucinations most of my life and honestly, things are pretty boring without seeing and hearing the things I see and hear without it. I don't want to be depressed anymore, I want to cycle out of it like I used to (I use cycle because that's how it feels, again, I do not know if I have bp disorder).

I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe, I'm hoping for there to be someone else out there who gets this so I don't feel alone. Maybe, I'm just looking for some kind of advice. I don't want to be depressed anymore, I want that euphoric happiness that I used to cycle into. How do I get that, but keep the delusions and terrifying hallucinations at bay?

Taking the medication regularly (I think). Back to feeling down. So much for that upward swing, right?

This medication is a blessing and a curse. Blessing because I'm less paranoid and such. Curse because it's a downer and damn does it keep me down. I'm so tired of living like this.