[passionfruit3]

I am not currently suicidal or self harming though i am depressed and lonely .having my little sister here in town keeps me safe cause exploring the house is to supicious.so in a way im glad for that.i realize were all my anger for her comes from and i figured that out today when she said something. About my mom i didn't like.i was able to stay calm though normally i would have blown up at her.i guess im very defensive about them ecspecially my mom.And when someone says something im angry.
Also ive been continually getting weird messages through my family and music.its like i read a word that says dog and then almost instantly that word will pop up somewere else.so my brother was laughing with his friends saying he was going to kill them and on my phone poped up something im gonna kill you i don't remember what song it was and it wasnt exact words but it freaked me out.and i told my brother not to say that cause it was creeping me.this has happened a couple times now.i don't know why.
Then finally ive been sick these last few days which isnt suprising considering all the things i did to harm myself before but i had a pain in my chest doctor barely asked about only my stomach problems.i got no meds nothing. After that we went to a hair shop.my mom left me in the car cause i didnt want to go in. But my legs went out due to conversion disorder in the car and it got really hot and for three hours i. Was stuck ran out of water. Finally i called my mom and she said shed be out.she was almost done i waited 30 minutes and she still wasnt done.i called her told her i had to pee.i was a bit angry when she said i only called a few minutes ago.i hung up and i peed on her seat on purpose.my mom came right after that.i lied to her at first told her i hadnt peed on myself then i told her i had.she wasnt angry as i thought shed be.we drove to get my siblings and i apologized later on cause the fact that she was being so kind to me made it even worse. Funny cause im writing a book on kindness and adult bullying which by the way i now have enough to publish both