[Ladytmt]

Feeling very unstable. One person can cause so much damage in your life. After Dealing with an opportunistic emotionally abusive person that i loved, I've read in several places that silent treatment is abuse. I got angry because this person didn't spend enough time with me or because of lies he told false promises, etc. Our relationship started because he lied but I didn't find that out until i was already involved with him. But anytime i voice my concerns i got silence for days. Calls and texts went unanswered. A normal person with true love in his heart wouldn't do this. Days later he'd text hi or good morning like nothing ever happened. When someone does this disappearing and ignoring only to pop back up and not attempt to talk about the problem is very hurtful. No problem ever seemed to get resolved, everything was my fault, he never took responsibility for anything. Even if things were going well I'd often still get the silent treatment for days. I hear its a control and manipulative tactic to lower someone. Is this true!? Because it works. Anyone ever deal with this? Whats the purpose of it because it really made me feel less than as if I wasn't good enough.

[Sunflower123]

There's nothing wrong with you. He's being manipulative, passive aggressive and immature. He could use some improvement in his communication skills. What I'd like to know is what you are doing while he gives you the silent treatment and then what you do immediately after when he is talking again.

[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

There's nothing wrong with you. He's being manipulative, passive aggressive and immature. He could use some improvement in his communication skills. What I'd like to know is what you are doing while he gives you the silent treatment and then what you do immediately after when he is talking again.

At first when i got the silent i often would beat myself up and feel guilty thinking its my fault, but after talking to my therapist and reading online I don't beat myself up as much as i feel i had a right to be angry and to voice it but it still made me feel anxious and less than. When he'd start talking again if I brought up the issue he'd either get silent again or blame me as if I overreacted and he does nothing wrong ever. I just feel like instead of trying to improve he does more of what i tell him bothers me. If i say his ignoring me bothers me it seems i'll get ignored longer and if i ask why he says it's because he's been busy. It feels like being in a washing machines spin cycle. Knowing and wanting to believe something is wrong with the person but yet keep questioning myself.

[Sunflower123]

I was just wondering if you had an attitude when he ignores you of oh well he's the problem, not me. He'll come back around. What I'm suggesting is that you not try to contact him when he is acting this way and no matter what don't let him see it's bothering you. He'll eventually stop when he sees he can't control you this way. It's not you so please don't beat yourself up. It's him not you.

If he keeps triggering you maybe you should rethink the relationship. Best wishes.

[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I was just wondering if you had an attitude when he ignores you of oh well he's the problem, not me. He'll come back around. What I'm suggesting is that you not try to contact him when he is acting this way and no matter what don't let him see it's bothering you. He'll eventually stop when he sees he can't control you this way. It's not you so please don't beat yourself up. It's him not you.

If he keeps triggering you maybe you should rethink the relationship. Best wishes.

Yeah it triggers me a lot

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Ladytmt

Yeah it triggers me a lot

I'm sorry. That must be painful. Please be gentle with yourself and take good care of you.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm really sorry you're being treated this way. Honestly, I don't think this relationship is doing you any good..

This is not appropriate behaviour for any relationship.

Ask your self what you are getting out of it? Then ask yourself what is he? It seems to me it is likely to be one sided.

There is another thread here about abuse. This qualifies as that is exactly what this is. Tell people in your real life and garner yourself some emotional support. You need to leave this relationship and having people there for you will make it easier to do so. Make yourself a plan.

[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

This is not appropriate behaviour for any relationship.

Ask your self what you are getting out of it? Then ask yourself what is he? It seems to me it is likely to be one sided.

There is another thread here about abuse. This qualifies as that is exactly what this is. Tell people in your real life and garner yourself some emotional support. You need to leave this relationship and having people there for you will make it easier to do so. Make yourself a plan.

It is very much abuse. Someone that is genuine and has a heart wouldn't dish out silent treatment. I think of all the other people in my life who aren't like this and they wouldn't do this. They'd attempt to talk about the situation. He is very much selfish and seems to often forget his bad behavior. Thanks for this advice because making myself a plan is what i've been trying to do. I just have to stick with it.

[nicoleflynn]

That is a form of abuse (Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans); it saved my life. Everyone is responsible for their own behavior;knowing the difference between YOUR stuff and THEIR stuff is a big key in life. It does no good to respond to an abuser; they do not care what you think or feel.

[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

That is a form of abuse (Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans); it saved my life. Everyone is responsible for their own behavior;knowing the difference between YOUR stuff and THEIR stuff is a big key in life. It does no good to respond to an abuser; they do not care what you think or feel.

Thanks for the book info. I often wonder if silent treatment is intentional or if its just a wek person who can't deal with someone reacting to their behavior so they just become silent because they don't know how to respond or deal with it or is it a combination of both? Any thoughts?

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Ladytmt

Thanks for the book info. I often wonder if silent treatment is intentional or if its just a wek person who can't deal with someone reacting to their behavior so they just become silent because they don't know how to respond or deal with it or is it a combination of both? Any thoughts?

Could it be one or the other? Somebody, like your boyfriend, can be using it to manipulate you. Others may be such poor communicators that when they get angry, hurt, upset they need time to process their emotions.

[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

That is a form of abuse (Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans); it saved my life. Everyone is responsible for their own behavior;knowing the difference between YOUR stuff and THEIR stuff is a big key in life. It does no good to respond to an abuser; they do not care what you think or feel.

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Could it be one or the other? Somebody, like your boyfriend, can be using it to manipulate you. Others may be such poor communicators that when they get angry, hurt, upset they need time to process their emotions.

Right, i would think if it was a "normal" person he may need time to process but also i think a normal person may say look I don't want to talk right now as opposed to just nothing which would be poor communication. But in my case I don't think he is "normal" and its more than poor communication

[Sunflower123]

I think you are right.