[lenjan]

I don't know where to put this, it covers so many categories -- please move if necessary.

I just got off the phone with my sister. My mom, who is 78 and really needs to be in assisted living at a minimum, "accidentally" (? not so sure about that) OD'd on Ambien.....took her to the hospital....she is fine but obviously they want to do a psych eval, and a review of her 8 billion other meds -- going to the dr. is practically a sport for my mother, she's long been on a billion things she doesn't need to be, but these drs. don't know what to do with a whiny old lady with a pathological need for attention, so they just medicate her every twinge.

My sister set it up so that Medicare would pay for a home health service to 1) lock up her meds and have someone come in to administer them daily and 2) help her with modifying her apartment to deal with her arthritis; she has 2 bad hips and moderate at best use of her hands.

It was all set to go, and then she had a cow (because she is a control freak, and this is a sign she's losing control) and canceled it all, and now 3 of the 4 of my sibs are on the shite-list --- I'm the only one who's left to help deal with it who isn't in trouble at the moment. (My brother has his hands full dealing with his daughter's psycho ex-bf, long, triggery story there, so never mind.)

My mom was my abuser and I'm barely coping with that lately as it is. She's going in for surgery again (hip replacement #2) in a few weeks and I never dealt with things appropriately from her last surgery, which caused a meltdown I'd rather not repeat, having had my share of meltdowns lately . My sibs are all 1) married 2) wildly more emotionally stable, not having gotten from Mom what I did 3) significantly better paid, and with significant more amounts of time off. But I am being asked to go for a long weekend or something for this next surgery, because nobody else can cope with her anymore.

It's an insane drive, at least 12 hours, my car won't make it and renting one to drive more than 150 miles costs a fortune. I can't really afford a plane ticket either, and I was saving my time off for Christmas (slowest news week of the year is between Christmas and New Year's; great time to take a week off). I feel like I need to see my mom just for MY sake -- she will never in a billion years admit to anything, I just need to see her and try to come to terms with it all before she dies.

My dad's bday was the 23rd; he would have been 79 -- died in 1999 and I miss him every single day of my life, but especially at times like these. He was the sane one (which is not to say he didn't have his own problems, but at least he wasn't batsh*t crazy). I want to give him a hug and tell him I love him and ask for help here, and I can't, and I have no freaking idea what to do or what to feel and UGH.

Thanks for listening....



Candy

[Perna]

Don't let your sibs or anyone (especially your mom) push you into doing what you don't "want" to do or guilt you into anything, especially because you're not married/don't have a family to care for or whatnot. You have to live your own life, can't live your mother's or sibs and you have to give yourself space to do that.

That being said, you obviously know what is "right" (that your mom get professional/assisted care) so stick with that. Get on her shite list if you have to by backing up whoever was brave enough/energetic enough to set up the Medicare thing. If you all "gang up" on her together, it will be much harder for her to do her own thing. If you can find one of your sibs you "agree" most with, kind of hang with them instead of so alone?

My stepmother needed her car taken away but wouldn't listen to a woman so my stepsister and I had to bring in one of my brothers to do the dastardly deed. He flew in from Hawaii to Maryland for a week and we got the car away. But boy, when he went back home. . . different story; my stepsister and I got constant calls from mom telling us how mean, evil, ugly, etc. we were. It was much better for me, knowing my stepsister was getting the same treatment. Can you call/"unite" with your sibs and everybody have a single "party" line and "assign" a couple of you to talk to doctor's, etc.? We were lucky because my mother went to military medical facilities and my stepsister had studied to be an RN, and went to work part-time for an assisted living facility, etc. and things worked out. But it was never "fun"/enjoyable. I recommend treating it like a chore instead of taking it personally; I was really lucky because I was seeing my T the whole time because of my problems with my stepmom so that helped a whole lot working through all the shite :-)

[SeptemberMorn]

AWWW Geeez, Candy! That IS a tough one!

From this side, it seems to me that you can just tell your sibs, "Sorry, but no." No time off, no money, etc. Before your last meltdown, I know I said "confront her." Now I'm not sure that would be wise.

Sweety, I don't have any answers for you, but you and I can sure discuss it! Most times, when you have a sounding board, things become clear on their own.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( Candy )))))))))))))))