I don't know what's wrong with me.

For the past few months, I've been feeling really upset. I don't feel like I have a purpose. I hate myself. That's all there is to it. I don't like myself. I don't feel like I have any potential, a future, or hope for a better life. My life feels like a big rut, and I don't see that ever changing. I'm so alone, and I don't have anyone to talk to. For three years, it has always felt like I'm walking on egg shells around my family because of certain circumstances in my life, and I've had debilitating anxiety; it's so bad that I can't look at or talk to any of my family without panicking or feeling uneasy.

I have little reminders of traumatic events that occurred in my life at the same time the relationship with my family was ruined. Sometimes I have flashbacks, and I can't stop seeing them unless I force myself. I can't look at my mother or father without remembering what they did. This causes my anxiety to worsen, and sometimes I get so sick that I begin to feel nauseated.

There are some days when I can pull off a smile and get through the day, and then there are others when it takes everything in me to get dressed or eat. Most of the time, I still don't like myself. I can't ever find anything to lift myself up, and most of my interests have diminished. All I ever do in my spare time is lie down in bed or read useless Wikipedia articles. My friends can't stand to talk to me because I'm so bland, and I can't keep them for long because I end up pushing them away or ignoring them because I don't want them to deal with my crap.

I can't eat like a human being. I count calories like a calculator, and I cry every time I eat something that I like. I try to make myself vomit, but I can't. I want to eat normally again, but I can't.

Please, help me. I feel like I'm going crazy and I don't want to.

I am sorry you are struggling. �� Are you currently in any kind of therapy?

Can't afford therapy by myself and family doesn't want me to go. A teacher in my sophomore year of high school suggested that I get help for anxiety, and my parents said they weren't going to put me on medication or send me to a doctor.

Can you sit down and have a heart to heart with your family about reconsidering a therapist, psychiatrist and medication? Emphasize how you are suffering. If this doesn't work you can check into free or low costs mental health facilities in your area. As a last resort, you could get self help books. There are 3 phone apps that help me with my anxiety: calm, virtual hope box and mindshift. Good luck and best wishes.

I don't know what sophmore means. It's not a term we use here. Does this mean you will be returning to school this Fall? If so, be persistent with that guidance counsellor and ask them for help. Most school divisions have on staff psychologists.

There are self help books out there. I recommend ones pertaining to CBT. Try to stick to books and workbooks that stress worksheets and assignments. These are more engaging than simply reading the information.

Check out your community for support groups. I recommend one that is for Mood Disorders as this will run the gammut of Depression, Anxiety, and even the issues you face regarding trauma. I am no expert here, certainly not on eating disorders but I wonder if improving upon your mood would in turn affect your relationship with food.