[Erecura]

I don't really know how else to call this, I don't even know how to define it or if it's a legit issue, or something that I should not be bothered with.

I've been trying to define myself my whole life... I've been obsessed with who I am. I used to put a lot of pride into the fact that since an early age I've been quite decisive about my hobbies, interests and the direction of my life. I almost despised people who seemed to be insecure about who they were, I always thought, well I have it all figured out...
The thing is that yes... I had it all figured out, but I have never been able to accept who I really was. I've always had this distant idea of an ideal human being that I just should become. I had been obsessed with reaching this goal, and the goal had been about everything...my looks, my carrier, my nature, my personality, my education... I'd planned everything according to an ideal that I'd never been able to reach.

Now when I'm older, I've tried to just let myself be, be who I'm and stop fighting against my nature. The thing however is, that I can't. I still feel like there's something wrong with me, something that I need to fix and something that I should do better. I'm never satisfied with who I am and I'm really obsessed with myself... I've gotten obsessed with the idea of being the true me and I constantly need to analyze who I really am, what I really want from life and define and redifine my very core. Every decision that I make is followed by an extreme analyzis of how it wasn't truely me making it and how I'm never real me, but when I try to think of what the real me is...I just don't know, because I've spent so much time thinking about it, it doesn't make any sense anymore. I always try to define myself based on some sort of a box, I need a category to be able to see what "me" really means.

Real Life Example that will probably explain this whole thing:

I used to be obsessed with the idea of being an artist, I felt like it's my one true calling, to be the one who creates and challenge ideas. Whenever somebody praised my art I got extremely proud thinking that I'm going the right path to success. People who didn't get or like my stuff were for me just uneducated ignorants. The mood of an artist at least for me is the creative melancholic state, a state of nostalgia, sometimes even sadness and/or depression. So in order to feel like an artist I feel like I need to suffer to an extent, so I've made myself into a martyr... A perfect artist needs to dress well too, black, dark aesthetics used to be my thing (and still are to an extent).

The thing is... whenever I get out of that melancholy I feel like I'm not truely an artist anymore and I should define myself as someone else. Whenever I'm not in the mood to wear my black clothing, I'm not an artist anymore, because I do not look aesthetic enough to be one... Whenever I become too bubbly I'm not an artist anymore, because I'm not deep enough and I feel like I should redifine myself...

I know it sounds crazy...but this is how I think...I can't really tolerate being outside of the perfect ideal, I'm either everything that embraces the idea, or nothing at all.

I think most people irl can't ever notice this, because I think the amount if pride I put into my sense of self masks it well. And I do put a lot of pride into the idea of who I'm...to the point it's painful.

How can I overcome this? I don't know if I can though...I feel like my self obession has gone to extremes. Also... Is this a low sense of own identity? Does it seem like an identity issue?

[RainyDay107]

Life isn't static, we are always changing. Perhaps you're putting yourself in a box, metaphorically speaking?

[leejosepho]

I used to have an image of who/what I wanted to be, but I could never get people to use the nickname I had chosen for myself as part of that. It sounds to me like you have done well in playing a role you had scripted for yourself, and now maybe it is time to review all of that and possibly even move to a different stage.

[Sunflower123]

That sounds stressful. Do you think it would help to consult with a tdoc to work this out? I think you'd be happier and more at peace.

[Open Eyes]

A lot of actors are like this, always "exploring" different roles and trying to understand each character they are playing.

The important thing to keep in mind is that you will be evolving your entire life and you are never going to reach some kind of perfection, it is those who look for that that lose their mind in that effort.