[Naos]

Just in case, I’ll leave the trigger warning here.

So, I’m new here. And yes, I know this is not a replacement for actual medical help such as therapy. I’ve had many tell me this. I’d just like perhaps general advice on what to do. So here is a few of my issues I’m having. This will be VERY long, but I will summarize at the beginning for simplicity.
- Depression/suicidal thoughts/nihilism
- Insecurities/struggle with gender roles and body
- Always feeling inferior

The main thing being depression. But really, while some of it is without logical reason, I feel like it’s a bunch of other things that lead to that. I’ve dealt with it since I was probably 10 or 11, and I’ve lived with it ever since. I’m 18 now. And with this, obviously comes suicidal ideation. It’s only really been thoughts, not attempts. However, I’ve neglected life, and not really caring. I run into the middle of a large street to cross rather than using crosswalks. I’ve stopped caring about my health as well. I’ll regularly eat unhealthy food, deserts, and snacks, and only eat 1-2 full meals a day. I feel sometimes fat, so I don’t eat much, but then I feel depressed and stop caring and drown my sorrows in ice cream.

And this does lead into insecurities. I feel short, at 5’7’’. I’m not tiny, but I’m short enough to be made fun of. I do weigh about 120 pounds, although my older brother calls me fat. My voice is on the high-pitched girly side (or a “gay voice”), and I feel like my hips are a bit wide (either that, or my shoulders are small, probably both). But at the same time, I have a lot of body and relatively decent facial hair. Because of these, I constantly accept and won’t accept myself. I pitch my voice almost an entire octave, and my family even thinks I’m faking when I talk in my normal voice. I have this want to shave my legs and arms (which because of judgement from my family, I’ve been postponing), I want to wear a bit of make-up. I'd maybe like to try a dress or more feminine clothing.I use words like "hun" or "girl" in the ways females tend to use it. But instead, I’d wear formal dress shoes constantly because they make me taller, and blazers and suits because they made my shoulders look broad, complimenting a more male look. And I switch in between what I want. I want to be more masculine, and I attempt to make myself that way. But it feels like, I'm just not. My femininity allowed me to get along with females well, but males, not really much luck.

I never feel I’m good enough. When I was young, I was treated as some kind of prodigy because of my high reading levels and vocabulary, along with being extraordinary at every academic subject. I had straight As and everything. But, I never really had friends. Then the depression hit, grades tanked, and I really stopped caring. I made friends though. Because of the way I was raised, I pretty much thought my grades meant I was completely stupid. Interestingly enough, the depression seemed to start around 7th grade. We moved that same year, once summer started, and as such, I lost contact with my therapist I had for years and knew years before that. She was never replaced. I can’t trust anyone enough. And I don’t know why, I just can’t open up to men. At all. So if I got stuck with a male, I wouldn’t really say anything. Haven’t been to any formal doctor (aside from ERs), since then. The horrible academic performance continued, and I graduated high school failing 8 classes (a year’s worth), and a grade point average of 1.5, maybe less. And to continue the inferiority thoughts, I always felt less than tertiary to friends. People I cared about. Always having to go out of my way. If I never did, I wasn’t spoken to much. Same thing with any romantic interests in my life. I never said anything to one in particular because I felt she deserved better.

One last thing - jobs. I never had a particular talent, and when I did, it was something I didn’t enjoy, or I had one aspect that might have been good, but terrible at anything else. For example, I have a vocal range of around 4 octaves, but every other aspect of my vocals isn’t great. I have great observational skills, but I’m terrible with social skills (so I would not be very good at say, detective work, which is another thing I would have loved doing). Along with this, I’m too anxious and shy to even deal with interviews, so how could I ever even get a job in my life?

In conclusion, I’m really concerned for my mental state. I feel like this littlest thing could just cause me to break down. I may sound overly dramatic, but really, it’s how I feel. I do think about the future a lot, and unfortunately, I see myself alone, in a menial job, using video games, music, and food as an escape from reality (something I do now) small little apartment, and just becoming an alcoholic. And that'll be the way it goes till I die.

So... yeah. Thanks for listening.

Edit: And yes, I understand the post about the issue that is bothering you the most, to go there, but to be honest, it's really just a mix of everything.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. I read your story and I hear and empathize with you. You mentioned having a female therapist when you were much younger. I think a therapist now would be a good idea. You need support. We are here to support you also. Sending big hugs.

[Naos]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Hello. Welcome to PC. I read your story and I hear and empathize with you. You mentioned having a female therapist when you were much younger. I think a therapist now would be a good idea. You need support. We are here to support you also. Sending big hugs.

Here's the thing. The only reason I was able to have that therapist, was because I knew her before she became my therapist. Plus, I was a lot more trusting when I was little than I am as an adult. I'll likely not even want to say anything. And, the therapist would have to be female. Don't know why, I guess it's just because I've mainly had female friends, but I generally don't come to men for that kind of talk and support.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to pc. I hope you can find a therapist you can trust. I know from personal experience this is sometimes not at all easy. We're here for you too. I'm sending supportive hugs

PS I think experienced and good therapists are understanding about trust issues...

Maybe make one appointment. You don't even have to go back if you don't want to or feel ready to... The right therapist could really help