[eclairparty98]

Okay.

I've come to realise the main reason I'm paranoid, concerned and anxious for my safety and the awful things that could happen to me -- plane crashing, terrorist attack, murdered, kidnapped, tortured -- is to prevent my family given the opportunity to mourn my passing. I've disregarded myself in the past but they reassured me they'll always be there and I want to believe that. I love them so much, I love most of our history so the idea of them being so upset if I were to perish breaks my heart.

Don't get me wrong, I would never be able to endure the pain that comes with torture, a plane crash, drowning in the ocean. I'd likely die of a panic-induced heart attack if someone chose to kidnap me. But one of the main reasons I've ever looked after myself is for my parents. Now I feel that kind of fading.

But on days like today they can be so emotionally abusive and blatantly verbalise how little they care for what I say; it makes me consider my other options besides staying in this (sometimes) toxic environment. Then I crash becoming so achingly depressed and empty, realising that I have nowhere to go besides here. Renting accommodation anywhere would be so stupid as I haven't got an income. I've no one to go to. I can't burden my grandparents, they're retired and deserve their peace.

I've decided to start going out every day after I shower tomorrow. Just to get some time and space away from home. Agoraphobia is killing the relationship I have with my family. With the way things are going, I can see myself in a really bad way in the future. My insomnia keeps everyone awake at night because of whatever I'm doing around the house (I understand this) and then all day I'm either confined to my bedroom or I feel like a burden in any room I go in and assert my presence (no one should have to do this with their family). Home just isn't what it used to be.

Whatever happens, I'm still grateful for everything they did to support me in my teenage years. The care, the support, the concern. No one else has been able to compare (besides my grandparents).

Ugh.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Nobody should feel that way in their own home. We're here to support each other. Please continue to post as needed as you work through this. Sending big hugs.

[eclairparty98]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Nobody should feel that way in their own home. We're here to support each other. Please continue to post as needed as you work through this. Sending big hugs.

Jennifer, your kind, warm, caring words mean a lot to me

Thank you - I hope all is well with you