[MtnTime2896]

(I'm putting this in this forum because I'm covering multiple diagnoses and my struggle with them.)

I just begun to accept the not-quite-official diagnosis of DID. I'd finally decided, "Alright. These people in my head are real." FINALLY. Come to find out, that that's no longer even being considered. Instead, my new list of diagnoses are: Schizophrenia, PTSD/C-PTSD, MDD and GAD.

The thing is, as far as I know, I've never had a long lasting psychotic episode. Yes, I've had brief ones many, many times, but nothing that didn't get resolved with some therapy and a med change a few times. So, how the hell is this schizophrenia? The doc says it's because my hallucinations and delusional thoughts are tethered to the traumas. So, essentially my PTSD is keeping me sane-ish. Right up until I treat the psychotic stuff and then I have a bunch of flashbacks and intrusive memories along with some great old-fashioned hypervigilance. Oh, and don't forget the memory dreams. Whoo-hoo for those. All of which leave me a quivering mess on the floor, or just flat-out completely convinced that I'm under attack. So, in order for me to feel better from the psychotic stuff, I have to deal with the PTSD. And in order to feel better about the PTSD, I have to deal with the psychotic stuff. Out of the two, I'm more afraid of the PTSD. I'm more afraid if that because I feel trapped and caged to it, leaving only one avenue of escape.

Sorry for this rant, I'm just a little stressed at the moment. I got answers and I hate them. I don't know what to do here. I'm hanging on by a thread.

Possible trigger:

My suicidal thoughts are pretty bad and I have plans and the means to go through with them.

I'm just waiting. I don't know what for, but I am. I hate this.

I am sorry. Hugs.

[MickeyCheeky]

You're having it really bad. I'm so sorry you have to struggle with all of this.. not the best way to start the New Year. please, don't give up. We're here to listen at anytime...

[MtnTime2896]

Thanks, TheSadGirl and Mickey.

I'm trying to give up. I just am losing sight of why I'm still fighting.

[CepheidVariable]

For what it's worth, it doesn't sound like a rant. It sounds like you're trying to sort out what this new stuff means. I know that's not much. I have some idea of what you've been through.

I am so sorry.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by CepheidVariable

For what it's worth, it doesn't sound like a rant. It sounds like you're trying to sort out what this new stuff means. I know that's not much. I have some idea of what you've been through.

I am so sorry.

Thank you for that. I'm having a hard night and reading that helped some.