[OblivionIsAtHand]

I'm not quite sure where to start here. Usually everything's pretty visually organized in my mind, but now things are a bit scrambled. I'm not even really sure why I'm posting this. I'm not sure if I'm posting for validation or help or just the mild catharsis of airing out my current feelings.

I'm also looking for a shred of relatability, somewhere out there. I don't connect with anyone deeply anymore. I'm incredibly detached from people.

I live mostly off the conversations in my mind which often consist of playing out future conversations, arguments, etc. I feel like I experience things well before actually experiencing them due to this rich internal world I have swirling around in my brain at all times. I can barely start a thread because I'm seeing the probable responses beforehand, and it takes a lot of time to preemptively address anything. Sometimes I'll edit and edit and edit endlessly till a post becomes pages and I'll never get around to posting because I want to explain the staggering complexity of everything. I've written about this before: I detest conciseness. Sadly, the abstruse/the complex does not resonate with people so I can on occasion expect a dearth of responses. I'm used to being ignored (but I'm not ignored frequently) to the point where I no longer give a **** anymore. I don't care if I'm the only person in the room anymore talking to myself.

But here I go---I'm just going to force myself to finish a post, however incomplete.

I'm on the brink of deleting the entire post. Because it's not long enough. I feel incomplete. Dissatisfied.

I don't feel sad. I don't feel unhappy per se. Certainly not content. I'm on the cusp of being just fine, but this anhedonia keeps me from fully satisfied.

But I'm also simply disconnected from people because I'm deeply, deeply cynical. I'm a slave to irreverence. I can't relate with people on a meaningful level due to my allegiance to the nihilistic insincerity of comedy. I'm not tied to any group, I'm completely apolitical; I'm anti-sentiment. My only priority is to scrutinize, quietly mock, or look for the sardonic angle in everything. Yet, I am not completely rudderless. I just happen to scoff at everything and find it all impossibly silly. Life's a deeply painful joke that forces itself on me in the vein of a Harvey Weinstein. Or a Bill Cosby.

I get increasingly more bitter each day. And it's an entirely justified bitterness. I detest everyone I meet, though nobody realizes this. It's a very subtle, cancerous anger. Almost microscopic. But it's there on the backburner. Despite experiencing so many different permutations of thought, the most recurring element is disgust for thy fellow man/woman. Misanthropy etc.

My therapists's on break, and I'm usually emptying my thoughts out in the therapy sessions.

I'm so used to figuring out my own problems, listening to my internal dialogue that I'm reluctant to even post for help anymore. I'm at a point psychologically where I feel vulnerable if I'm even soliciting outside advice. For some reason I keep convincing myself that I've exceeded the alloted amount of help one is allowed.

What I'm experiencing is quiet chaos. I am completely atheistic, and as a result of knowing this I see the world as chaotic. It's however not an uncontrollable chaos in my opinion. I witness occasional great strands of meaning and order, here and there. But it's never consistent enough. So everything's very surreal as a result. Everything's neither this. Nor that. It's all in-between and it's all barely describable. I'm so used to extremes. I'm addicted to the extreme. I've choked out all feeling in favor of objectivity. But there are these lingering feelings of wanting to cut loose. To stereotype. To generalize. To simplify. To FEEL, even though raw feelings without filtering are so conducive to inaccuracy.

Anyway, no idea why I'm posting, what this post is for, or anything. I'm just blindly putting it out there, however naked it feels.

[OblivionIsAtHand]

Is it possible to delete a thread? I'd like to delete this thread.

[OblivionIsAtHand]

Eh, **** it. Leave it.

I Probably can't provide good advice for you. I'm generally a disgustingly optimistic person. I see rainbows. Lol.

Still I wanted to let you know I read your entire post and I commend you for posting. I blurt without a filter, so I do have admiration for careful thought and detail.

[OblivionIsAtHand]

Still I wanted to let you know I read your entire post and I commend you for posting. I blurt without a filter, so I do have admiration for careful thought and detail.

Well, thanks for posting. I've posted many more threads than this. This was just a quick one. I'm not even sure how much thought and detail I put in it.

Nonetheless, it's always peculiar to me which threads receive bites and which don't. It's really pretty alienating when you have a mostly empty thread. It's because of such empty threads that I further distrust people. Usually my intuition is right.

And needless to say, I am still definitely not well or good at this point.