Does this sound like a mental illness or something people normally deal with?

I'm just looking for a second opinion here and I know this is not an official diagnosis tool or anything like that.

My whole life I've felt like I'm at war with myself. I've sat goals for myself extremely high and I've always been obsessed with the idea of a perfect me. Anything less than perfection feels like a betrayal of my own existence. I've always felt disgusted by people who weren't ambitious or wanted the ordinary things in life. To me, ordinary has always felt empty and boring and I've tried really hard to differ myself from the average. I've always tried to become the best possibly version of myself according to my gifts and talents. I feel an extreme force inside of me that pushes me towards becoming better and better all the time. To set more goals for myself and push my personal limits.

This need for perfection is in the right opposite with my rather... careless, lazy, comfort seeking and irresponsible character. I have no actual will power or inner strength to accomplish most of my goals. And most of the time I feel like the biggest failure that doesn't deserve to live. I hate myself, I feel like I'm an awful, gross person and I've felt like this ever since I can remember.

When I was a teen I used to settle goals and plans for myself to accomplish and when I didn't, I used to self harm as the means of punishment. I also went through eating disorders, binge eating, bulimia and later anorexia. I used all of these mechanisms to punish myself for being imperfect and bad.

Now I'm older and I don't do any of these. I haven't self harmed in more than 5 years and I've been eating normally for over 5 years now as well. Still I often experience a great hatred for myself and I can't fight really awful feelings of guilt and inner shame. Nothing that I ever do actually feels good enough and the more I push myself, the more discouraged I feel.

I have phases that usually last for few weeks, sometimes a month when I feel balanced, happy and I have a higher self confidence. During these phases I actually believe in myself and am better at finishing and starting new things as well as staying more focused on my workout routine and career goals.
Then I have other phases, when I think about my life and whether it has any meaning at all. I feel lost, hopeless and absolutely undeserving of anything good. I feel lazy, corrupted, evil, disgusting.

Sometimes I feel a lot of anxiety, because I feel like I've wanted a lot from my life and myself and I haven't reached any of these goals. I feel like my life's going nowhere, it's empty and I'm soon going to die and disappear just like all the other people who have never accomplished anything. And that feeling of nonexistence completely gets me and I sometimes get a panic attack.

I know a lot of people deal with similar feelings and I just want to know if this sounds like something that is a mental health issue or something that is normal to a certain degree for everyone.

In many ways, I feel it's normal. So many of the greatest philosophers and authors delve into this way of viewing life. At the same time melancholy and depression ran deep with them. It could perhaps go either or.

I don't know if it is a mental illness or not. Are you in contact with a psychiatrist or psychologist? If not please do so. Seems like you are still struggling and maybe need a little clarity about what is happening.

I think its possible to be extraordinarily ordinary..meaning.. you can be very special and unique while leading a seemingly ordinary existence.

I don't think you have a mental illness, but you could use some therapy right now based on what you wrote, Erecura. You do seem to have a problem with self-esteem and perfectionism. Perhaps that way you'll be more at peace with yourself. I hope you'll feel better soon. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

I agree with others have posted- and also agree- perhaps therapy (of any sort)may assist with a better life that your working towards.. if you are struggling with the war inside, there may be many things that could assist
((and I am a believer that a lot of things can be "therapy" not just an office with another human)).

I think some times, one misconception of "going to therapy" is One may believe is that everyone that goes to therapy - has a severe mental illness; and that would be untrue... therapist can help people that may need someone to talk to about some struggles in life, or making a move in life (like break ups, moving on in jobs, going back to school, etc)..
And If One gets label(s) while being in therapy, it is "just a label" that will assist with a "treatment plan" (and this coming from a person- that does not do "the mainstream treatment plan"; but at the same time understands why it is done- and chooses a different path while using their model to a certain extent).

This may sound "cheesy" to some but I am throwing this out there- we all have triumphs that no matter how small or big they may feel to One- they are growth.

When reading your post, I believe one of your achievement of stop self harming and self care with eating says so much and (I believe) holds so much value. But I also know and realize, me saying that- may not hold much merit for you.

I think some people are often too self critical (as I can be with me), and miss some important triumphs that mean so much, that some times are crucial with continuing on with our dreams and lives.

humans by default are not perfect; or perhaps that's (and every thing above that I typed out) is an opinion--- which stinks?

Life has no play book, and life -- we just do not know what is to be for the future ((unless One has a way to look into the future right?).

I am a strong believer that humans grow, continue to grow as long as we continue to be open to it....

I can relate to some of what you have posted, and I do believe a vast majority of humans relate to a degree/spectrum of your struggles at some point of their lives, if not continuous .. however, your post- I interpreted that there is deep struggles for you(?) and perhaps some of those struggles, are blindsided/ hinders what greatness you have and accomplished (?). IDK I am rambling, aren't I?

I do wish you well, and hope this was well received.

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

I would reccommend reading this and possibly even taking the quiz it offers.

6 Signs of Perfectionism That Aren't About Trying to Be Perfect | Happily Imperfect